Writing Prompt 3/3/15

You’re outside shoveling your own driveway when you decide, as a kind gesture, to shovel your neighbor’s driveway too. Just then a group of teenagers with shovels show up and threaten you, claiming that this is “their turf.” What do you do?

Okay. First off I would never EVER shovel my neighbor’s driveway too. He has a strange unhealthy relationship with his dog and he’s always snooping. I’m not going anywhere near his place. So this scenario would not play out. I wouldn’t even be outside in the first place. It’s dangerous out there. Why would I risk my life going outside to move some snow? Snow is going to go whether I move it or not. If I don’t move it, nature will. I’m not going outside and messing with Mother Nature’s business. Who am I to question Mother Nature? Maybe she put the snow there for a good reason. It might have been to counter act global warming. All this snow shoveling business could be what’s causing global warming if you think about it. Why else would it snow in certain places but not others? It’s all part of the natural process. Maybe if we left the snow where it laid, we wouldn’t have this planet warming problem.

But let’s say I decide to help my dickhead neighbor and play God by shoveling my driveway and his. If a group of teenagers threatened me, I would do the smartest thing that a man can do at any time. Nothing. I’d stand there and pretend to not hear them. I’d become a human statue. You can’t threaten a statue. Sure they could beat me with their shovels, but they would tire out. I would outlast them. I’ve been through many a shovel pummel. This would be their first human statue beating. They wouldn’t be prepared. I have a will of steel. The teens would move on and go watch Adventure Time or whatever it is teens watch these days.

Doing nothing at all solves many more problems than most people expect.

Writer’s Digest Writing Prompt

  • Coffee?

Good things happen to good people and great things happen to great people. I am a great person. How do I know this? Today, the girl that I’ve been nursing a curse on for quite some time came to my house and asked me out. There’s not much more that a man could ask for in life than that. I never thought things like that actually happened to people. It almost makes me want to start believing that the world isn’t such a bad place to live in. But I know better of course.

There’s only one downside. We’re in a Starbucks. I’ve despised coffee since a very young age. Everyone used to mispronounce my name and call me coffee. I’ve never tried the stuff and I never will. I can’t complain though. Just standing in this line next to her gives me that giggly bubbly feeling in my neck. She’s here because she wants to spend time with me and only me. I’m getting so excited. Now she’s turning to face me with those unforgettable eyes. Ooh. My heart is fluttering.

“What are you thinking of getting, Greg?”

Who’s Greg? Is that supposed to be a joke? How cute of her.

“I have no idea what I’m going to get, dude.”

“What’d you get last time? The Caffè Misto?”

There was not a last time. Does she have me mixed up with someone else? Maybe she’s just kidding around since this is our first time out together. I’ll play along.

“You should. It was really good, miss.”

“Yo. Greg, Can you find us a table? This place is filling up. ”

“It must be coffee time. That’s why this place is getting so full. Haha.”

That is an awkward smile on her face. She didn’t find that funny at all. Hopefully she forgets I said that by the time she gets back with her coffee. Now to find a table. There? No. Someone left their blue backpack on it.  That green table by the window over there is empty. It’s the also the only green table in here. There’s probably something wrong with it. I’ll just sit at this brown one next to it. Here she comes and she’s brought two cups of coffee. I don’t remember asking for coffee. I’ll just let it sit here.

“Somebody needs to answer their phone more often.

“What are you talking about?”

This girl has never called me. This can’t be a joke then. She has me mixed up with some other guy. Oh no. That means not only does she not like me, she has no idea who I am. She must like this other guy. Hold up. If she likes him and she thinks I’m him, it’s pretty much the same thing as her liking me because of the transitive property. Basic Algebra saves the day again. I’ll just see where this goes.

“Yesterday. I called you like 5 times.”

“Oh yeah. Sorry. My phone was on silent. Hehehe.”

“So how’s work been going on that project of yours?”

“It’s been uh-great. It’s going great.”

“So you don’t need my help, then?”

“Um. No. Uh. Yes. I don’t know.”

“You seem confused.”

“Could you remind me what kind of help you were going to give me?”

“Sure. By the way you should drink your coffee before it gets cold.”

“You shouldn’t have got me one. I don’t drink coffee.”

“What?”

“I don’t like coffee.”

“That’s what I thought you said. The Greg I know would never ever say anything like that not even as a joke. He worships Starbucks coffee.”

“Uh. Um.”

“Who are you?”

“I-I-i gotta go.”

I never knew I could move this fast. That’s what happens when you screw up a date with the girl of your dreams. This is one of the worst things that could ever happen to me. If I ever see her again, she’ll know me as the guy pretended to be Greg. I can never live this down. I’m not a great person. I’m not even a good person. Darn it. I should have just stayed home and played video games. That sounds like a good idea. Battlefront 2 here I come!