Me and video games are going through a rough patch.

I’m either getting too old to enjoy them or they’re getting worse with each generation. I find myself playing Playstation 2 games on my Playstation 3 more than PS3 games. There was a time I knew every major game release for all the consoles and saved my pennies for months so I could buy them. I infuriated the Gamestop people with my fifty dollars in quarter and dimes every six months. Now I have to ask my brother to keep me clued in.

Me and video games have had such great times together. I don’t want to give up on them. So I’m getting a new console to spice things up. The spark will come back. It has to.

But which will it be? Xbox One, WiiU or Playstation 4?

Nintendo Wii U

When I think of Nintendo, I immediately think of their big must-play franchises.

Mario, The Legend of Zelda, Metroid, and Super Smash Bros.

Legend of Zelda was the video game franchise that made me question the integrity of video game journalists. I bought and beat Twilight Princess. The reviews lied to me. It was supposed to be one of the greatest games of all time. It was not. That franchise is more often average than spectacular. A new Legend of Zelda game does not sell me on the WiiU.

Metroid bores me. Mario is good. They haven’t made a bad Mario platformer yet. But I’ve played a hundred Mario games. A new one isn’t enough to bring back my love for video games. Super Smash Bros. is a big plus. I love that franchise. The fourth entry is lacking in the single player department, but I know my brother and I could have a blast playing against each other.

But I can’t buy a system for only one game. I did that for Super Smash Bros. Brawl on the Wii and ended up selling my Wii to get my Playstation 3.

My gripe with Nintendo is that they’re still searching for their next step. They add these gimmicks that aren’t it and it boggles down the system. Motion controls were adequate at best on the Wii and a hindrance more often than not. I wish they’d release a standard console like the Gamecube and Nintendo 64 were.

Games on WiiU I want now:
Super Smash Bros. for Wii U

Future Games on WiiU I want to check out:
Star Fox

Pickings are slim in Nintendo’s camp.

Microsoft Xbox One

Microsoft never has anything I want and this generation is the same. I haven’t owned any of their systems. And I probably never will. Halo was fun until Halo 3. Now there’s like twelve of them. I wish Sega was still making consoles.

Games I want for Xbox One:

Future Games I Might Want:

The streak of zero Microsoft systems continues.

The PS3 disappointed me. I expected them to take everything that made the PS2 good and beef it up. Instead the prices increased, the graphics looked better, but the games were not as good. The content was lacking or had to purchased in the shop. The focus moved away from making great games and to making cinematic experiences. That trend continues.

I own all of Sony’s consoles besides the Vita which I have no plans on buying. I’m not a huge fan of what Sony is doing these days. They refuse to make Ape Escape 4 and for that they gain my ire. But it will have the games I want.

Kingdom Hearts 3 and Metal Gear Solid V are the only games I’m excited for right now and they’re both coming out for PS4. Also Xbox One, but that’s just a no-no.

Future Games
Tales of Something (They have to make one.)
Kingdom Hearts 3
Metal Gear Solid V
Final Fantasy XV
Final Fantasy Type 0 HD
Ape Escape 4 (If they don’t make it, I’m

So by default, it seems a Playstation 4 is in my future. That’s 400 dollars plus New Jersey State tax.

I’ll start looking for some bundles.


Sony Wises Up! Spike in Playstation All Stars Battle Royale!

When it comes to video games, I have a very peculiar taste. I don’t like playing games online other than Team Fortress 2. I don’t like the majority of the big games that come out these days.  I’m one of very few people who are very happy that Spike from Sony’s Ape Escape series made it into Sony Playstation All Stars Battle Royale.

I’d love to see Sony finally make an Ape Escape 4 but it most likely isn’t in the cards. Catching silly monkeys while traveling through time and space just doesn’t appeal to today’s average gamer who would rather shoot guns at people online. It sucks to have an interest in things that the majority of people don’t. There’s not as much money in making the games that appeal to me.

I’ve been a fan of the Ape Escape series since the first game. A friend of mine brought it over during a sleep over. He told me that we couldn’t just use any old Playstation controller. We had to use the Dualshock, Sony’s new controller. You couldn’t play Ape Escape without it. The controller blew my young mind away. I still think Sony’s DualShock controllers are among the best in the game industry.

We spent the night playing Ape Escape. Boy oh boy. I had so much fun chasing monkeys around levels with a net and using a hula hoop to speed up. That sleep over is one of my favorite child hood memories. My friend moved away shortly after that. I still replay Ape Escape or its sequels at least once a year. It’s an indulgence in nostalgia for me. Seeing Spike end up in one of Sony’s big games for the year makes me glad. It’s nice that the franchise hasn’t been forgotten even though it really doesn’t have a place in Sony’s current plans.

Spike standing next to the likes of Kratos in this new game really shows the contrast between the direction of Sony now and how it used to be. Kratos is a murderous demi-god who killed his own wife and child before setting off on a vengeful journey filled with blood, sex, and gratituitos violence. Spike is just a kid whose job it was to catch monkeys wearing pants.

The Power of Criticism

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess came out in late 2006 for the Gamecube. It was one of the most hyped games for that year. It was going to be a return to form after Wind Waker. Wind Waker changed some parts of the Zelda formula. The game polarized the fanbase. Wind Waker’s cel shaded graphics and sailing weren’t loved by everyone. Twilight Princess was going to be different. There was going to be an adult Link. It brought back an actual Hyrule. It had the visuals that fans had been begging for since the Space World 2000 trailer.

This game was a killer app. The fans couldn’t wait to get their hands on it and love it. Previews of the game caused a buzz in the gaming community. It was going to be the greatest game of all time. It was a miracle brought into the world by the geniuses at Nintendo. It was going to be the pinnacle of video gaming. There would be no topping it. It would wipe the slate clean of Zelda after Wind Waker.  It was gaming’s salvation.

Then a review for the game came in. Jeff Gerstmann of Gamespot.com gave the game an 8.8 out of 10.

8.8! That was lower than the score given to the black sheep of the series, The Wind Waker. That got a 9.3.  It couldn’t be possible. The writer was a false prophet sent by Sony or Microsoft to destroy gaming’s salvation. This was what was going on through the minds of some Legend of Zelda fans during that time.

8.8 isn’t even that bad of a score, but the fans couldn’t accept less than perfection. It just couldn’t be true that a Zelda game could get less than a 9. This critic’s opinion sent the fanbase into a fury. Many didn’t take the chance to actually read the review. They just saw the numbers. If Jeff had just given the game a score of 9.3 or higher with the exact same written review, nobody would have batted an eye.

The power of criticism is no longer in the words. It’s in the numbers. Now sites like MetaCritic and Rotten Tomatoes decide whether a review is positive or not, then they average all reviews giving you a number that shows the average.  Reviewers can write hundreds of words aptly attacking or praising a product but all that really matters to most people is the number. People just cut to the chase.

I’m guilty of doing this. I check Rotten Tomatoes before seeing a movie. I make my decision based on the general consensus. I was iffy on the Avengers until I saw the rave reviews for it. 93% on Rotten Tomatoes. Then I bought my tickets online.

I didn’t read a single review. I just looked at that number. I feel bad for those critics out there. They would be just as well off just posting their score without delving deeper. The numbers are all that matter.


A lot of things piss me off in this world. But there are some very few things that don’t. The list of these things is very short. I am hard to please. I don’t demand any less than the best for me. What I’m trying to say is this thing talked about in this blog entry completely, absolutely, DOES NOT SUCK!!!!

  • What is it: God Hand

A Playstation 2 video game released in 2006. A 3D beat em up game that calls back to classics like Streets of Rage 2 and Final Fight. It’s a hard game.

Developed by now defunct game developing company, Clover Studio. God Hand puts you in the shoes of Gene, a martial artist who gets his hands on one of the legendary God Hands. Gene quickly learns that there’s a big down side that comes to owning the God Hand. People really want to kick his ass!

  • Why It Doesn’t Suck:

The current generation of video games are plagued by a variety of issues. Developers want to appeal the lowest common denominator so they’ve taken to making games easier and more accessible to the general public. Last summer I grew tired of the video games being put out on the Playstation 3. They didn’t appeal to me. They weren’t made to appeal to me. So I looked back to the last generation of video games.

Then I picked up this glorious game. I was hesitant because the game received a lot of flak in reviews. An idiot on IGN gave the game a 3.0. I almost didn’t get the game because of that. I ended up ignoring that ignoramus and picking it up anyway. That was one of the greatest decisions I ever made in my life. But let get down to what you really need to know. Why doesn’t this game suck?

He's actually not a gorilla. He's a demon in a gorilla costume in a wrestler costume.The Presentation.

Thank goodness for a game that doesn’t take itself so seriously. It seems all video games want to do today is be realistic and tell cinematic epics. BORING! What we need is less story and more ass kicking. God Hand delivers this perfectly. Every level is jam packed full of bad guys to pump full of punches, dragon kicks, and other attacks. The levels seem bare and the graphics aren’t breathtaking, but I don’t care. I love how the game doesn’t even bother to explain itself at times.

When I got to the gorilla wrestler mini boss, that was when I knew this game was the game for me. Throughout God Hand, you’ll plow through midgets, rock stars, demons, and tiger striped jerks. The game is like a cheesy kung fu movie. I always find myself chuckling as I play through it no matter how many times I get through it.

You find enemies dancing to the music of the level. You will even find fat ones sitting on people. This is a game where you can spank enemies.

The game is presented in such a bizarre way, I’m not surprised it went over the heads of game reviewers at the time who only wanted serious stuff. Shame on them for giving God Hand less than a ten out of ten! Shame! Shame!

Just look at how silly the debut trailer for it was.

The Music.

The theme song to this game is my top played track on last.fm.


I know all the words to it. I applaud Masafumi Takada for the effort put into this game’s soundtrack. It just sucks you into the experience. It’s wacky, goofy and it can get your blood flowing. I’m no musician but I think it does what it sets out to accomplish. There’s this one track that plays when an enemy randomly transforms into a demon. This one came up while I was listening to my music on shuffle and I felt a chill run down my spine. The music stayed with me long after playing the game. I sometimes hum it while waiting in places.

The Gameplay.

This is one of the few games where I replayed it directly after beating it. Sometimes I just randomly pop in the disc and find myself engrossed in it. There’s so many mechanics to the fighting engine. There’s so many moves. A variety of different enemies. And it has this awesome leveling feature, where it gets harder the better you do at it.

This game is hard. This game is ball-bustingly hard! It will kick your ass over and over again. You will die. But it’s fair. The level drops as you do worse. This leads to an exhilarating feeling as you get better and play on the harder levels. You can get in the zone and just whup a bunch of ass, but get humbled once it reaches Level Die. You have to watch gameplay videos to fully grasp it.
Here’s one for ya.

This game is everything that I want from video games. Loads of bosses. Loads of asskicking. A taunt feature. Different ways to go about a situation. There’s nothing I like more than taunting during a fight. The dodging feature puts a smile on my face. I love watching enemies’ blows hit the air as Gene weaves back and forth. I’ve woken up to my thumb moving up and down like when I play with my controller. I think I need may need help, but hey this game is still fantastic!

I love singing along with the theme song when I beat it. I love kicking people in the nuts! I love dragon kicking people into the Milky Way! I love punting midgets!  Once you get the gameplay down and start to enjoy it, there’s no experience out there on the market like it. Believe me. I know. I’ve been looking for it.

With Clover Studio being dead and Capcom being jerks, there’s no chance for a sequel. This saddens me but at least I got to play through this game.

This video game is a work of art. I thank everyone included in this for creating something that completely, absolutely DOES NOT SUCK!

Credit goes to the original artist

Gamers are Grade A suckers!

I’m convinced they are the biggest suckers in the entire consumer industry. Ed, Edd, N Eddy should have went into the video game business, they’d be living in a town made of jaw breakers!

The video game industry is making oodles of cash. So much fucking money. More than the movie industry.

Why are gamers suckers?

Exhibit A: Defending the prevalence of locked out content in today’s gaming industry.

I remember back when I was a kid. You played a game and there were this thing

What was it called again? Oh yeah. Unlockable content. You beat the game or did some special mission, and wham bam. You could play as Spider-man wearing a paperbag over his head. Sham Zam! You could unlock Fred Durst. You didn’t have to buy it at a special place during the first week the game came out.

It was in the game already. Now? Your ass better make sure to preorder it at Gamestop. Of course then you won’t be able to get the costume at Amazon. Or the exclusive UK costume. Content you can never have. Is whiny to complain about two costumes? For 60 dollars, they better be jam packing these games to the brim with content.

I hear gamers say that developers need to do this to entice first day purchases. Whatever happened to including a booklet? Or a special figure? Too expensive? When your industry makes so much damn money, you really have to scrap for that preorder bonus money? Or the cash you get when people end up having to buy it when you release it later. The suckers who don’t release it was done and available on the same day as the game but was left out intentionally.

The worst are the dummyheads who buy map packs. Psst. Hey. You. Yes. You. Stop it. Cut it out now. $15 for a couple maps? Why are you such a sucker?

The thing I hate is that years from now all these games with locked out content that you have to download an unlock key will one day have those servers go down. Content forever lost because of the greedy fucks and the sucker consumers who just gobble it up.

Exhibit B: Giving up Consumer Rights

You know how you can sell a car after you buy it? You can sell a fork after you buy it? You can sell a book after you read it? You can sell a movie after you’ve watched it? Well the game industry wants a piece of that cut when it comes to selling used video games.

And people think they deserve it? What class A suckers!! They believe that you only own the license to play one of their games and thus they deserve a cut.

Only in the game industry because gamers just sit back and let the companies push their shit in!

Oh God? New Call of Duty! 60 bucks? Xbox Live went up? Who cares? Just take my money. What’s that? If I buy it used, I can’t get all the content? Who cares I don’t buy it used, I love you forever. Hmm? You want it to be so that once I play a game disc, it can never be played again? Sure. I only play games once.

Such Suckers.

Yo Capcom! Why You Cancel Mega Man Legends 3?

I know it probably wouldn’t have gotten the Call of Duty audience. I know you’re so busy releasing better versions of games just 5 months after they came out. I bet that new piece of shit Resident Evil game is taking up a lot of your resources.

I understand that video games aren’t supposed to be fun anymore, but damn you guys really have a problem with my boy, Mega Man.

He’s not in Marvel vs. Capcom. He’s not even in new one coming out in November that has Phoenix Wright, a lawyer for christ’s sake! (Not that I hate Phoenix Wright). And you cancelled Mega Man Universe!

Look at this face.


How can you not not include this guy? People love classic Mega Man. He’s a little blast of nostalgia.

Now let’s talk about Mega Man Legends 3. I like new things in my video games a lot. also like seeing stories conclude.

Plenty of Mega Man Legends fans were excited when you announced a third title for the 3DS. When a game ends on a cliff hanger, fans really want to know what happened next.

Especially after ten years. They start to lose hope. But then you announced it was in development. But that you could cancel it at any time.

Then you cancelled it, Capcom. I’m trying to figure out why.

Did you cancel it because you couldn’t shove as much overpriced downloadable content on it? I understand Capcom. You want to make a profit. It’s all business.

You know what else is part of business? Marketing.

The 3DS has no video games. So you’d basically be the only game in town.People would buy up your new Mega Man Legends. You could increase demand by releasing a Mega Man Legends collection or some shit so little kiddies could get caught up.

You really spat in the faces of the Mega Man Legends fans when you blamed them for the game not being made. These are loyal fans. Why toy with their emotions like that?

Oh well. I guess it doesn’t matter. You’ll make a shitton of money off the Resident Evil and Street Fighter series so you can just tell your fans of other series to fuck off.

I won’t even ask about a God Hand 2…

Video Game Journalism is a fucking joke.

I’ll tell you why.

So Video Game journalists need information on the games they are writing about. Where can they get this information from?

The companies who make the video games. Companies give out information because they want people to buy their video game. Companies may refuse in the future to give out exclusive information to a publication that has given their games bad reviews.

The creators of Duke Nukem Forever threatened this when their game was getting bad reviews. Publications have more to lose by publishing bad reviews than publishing good ones. They lose their access to exclusive information that gets people reading their sites and magazines.

I learned this as I read some of the reviews for games out there. I stopped looking at the number scores and looked at exactly what the reviewers said. They would praise some games and penalize others for remaining the same.

I don’t think video game journalists can be trusted to tell the consumers the truth about the games they review.