Report: Russell Wilson Fires Orthopedist

In a move that did not shock many, Russell Wilson has decided to fire Michelle Peters, his personal orthopedist.

Bob Condotta of the Seattle Times reports that Michelle Peters, Wilson’s orthopedist throughout his career in the NFL, has been shown the door.

Schefter

After being repeatedly knocked on his ass by NFL defensive lineman during his rookie year, Wilson hired Peters to ensure his butt made it through the rest of his career. Peters utilized a team of chiropractors and masseuse to realign Wilson’s tailbone and skin tissue following games where he was knocked flat on his butt.

From 2012 to 2015, Wilson was thrown violently onto his buttocks 280 times. This was the highest butt collision rate in a four year span since the NFL Merger. Peters has had to do twelve complete reconstructions of Wilson’s butt, each of these followed games against the Los Angeles Rams.

It is speculated that money is the reason behind this recent release. When the Seahawks traded Max Unger for Jimmy Graham in 2015, Wilson was forced to make Peters the highest paid orthopedist in all of professional sports to prevent her from leaving for other pastures. After the Seahawks recent firing of OL coach Tom Cable, Peters became expendable.

Wilson released a statement this moment, addressing the firing.

Wilson

Peters has not been shaken by the firing. She has visits with the New York Giants and the Indianapolis Colts already set for next week.

Sources close to her say that she is keeping an eye on what Tom Cable does next. If an NFL team is stupid enough to hire him to be their offensive line coach, she will give their quarterback a phone call. She has said that wherever Tom Cable is, there is a quarterback in need of her services.

 

Photo Credits:

Ted S. Warren/AP
Twitter

Pride Cometh.

The Carolina Panthers lost Superbowl 50. I had favored them to win by twenty points. On paper, it looked like the great defense and anemic offense of the Denver Broncos would fall to Carolina’s good defense and dynamic offense. But the pressure got to Cam figuratively and literally.

The Panthers were the villains of this game going in. Everyone in The United States except for people in Massachusetts and North Carolina were rooting for the humble Peyton Manning to ride off into the sunset. All season long Cam Newton had danced and dabbed. His celebrations were called excessive and rubbed people the wrong way. He was said to be arrogant and self-absorbed.

I did not dislike Cam for his excessive dancing. I was in the camp that other teams should stop him so he has no reason to dance. The Broncos did in astounding fashion. They made the league MVP look like a frightened child playing football for the first time. I do find the backlash to Cam Newton’s dancing to be worthy of discussion.

There were people who believed it was that Cam Newton was being criticized because he was black. A proud black man celebrating and having fun was too much for some of the NFL’s fanbase.

When Richard Sherman had his rant about being the best corner in the game on live television two years ago, people went nuts. On twitter, he was insulted and called a thug by many people. He did not curse. He did not throw up any gang signs. He was caught up in the heat of the moment and spoke with passion. There was not a thing thuggish about his behavior that night. People characterized him as a thug because of the color of his skin.

Cam Newton is not the same as Sherman. There are those who do criticize him because he is black, but it’s mostly people seeing his confidence as arrogance. I’m a believer that a person can only be arrogant after they have failed. Confidence before the fact is okay with me. If you say you’re going to be the best at something and you do it, that’s confidence. If you say you’re going to be the best at something and you fail, then you were arrogant.

If what you said matches up with what you’ve accomplished, then it can’t be arrogance. People want the humble person who thanks his mom and kisses babies, but not everyone has to be like that. The world would be boring if everyone was the same. Peyton isn’t right and Cam is wrong. If you want to shout to the world that you are awesome, that’s cool with me. So long as you aren’t swearing or trying to hurt someone, say you what want. If that’s what fires you up to succeed, then it shouldn’t be frowned upon. It’s just you will have to deal with the consequences of what you say if you don’t live up to it.

Here’s a video of Tom Brady and Plaxico Burress from before Super Bowl 42. 18-1.

In this interview, Plaxico Burress predicts that the Giants would win 23-17. Tom Brady  laughs at the absurdity of the 2007 Patriots only scoring 17 points. The Patriots scored only 14 points in Super Bowl 42. Tom Brady was arrogant.

When Lebron James joined the Miami Heat, he predicted they would win countless championships. He promised more than seven championships to the Miami Heat fans.

This was really arrogant in retrospect because they only won two.

Football being a team sport contributes to the hate on Newton. His dancing puts a lot of focus on him so to some people he comes off as caring more about himself and not the team. His play in the Super Bowl gave his haters more fire.

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Cam Newton debates diving for ball in Super Bowl

Being prideful is not a reason to be worthy of scorn or dislike. If you can back up what you say, you can talk and dance all you want. But if you can’t, then you have to eat crow. Cam is learning that lesson the hard way right now.

CaqTll6W4AE7IWP

 

Russell Wilson’s Contract Negotiations End!

After months of intense negotiations, Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks have finally agreed to terms on a new contract. And this might just be the biggest contract in professional sports history.

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As part of Wilson’s new contract, he will be given 120 million yen, an electric razor, thirty bags of candy corn, five golden rings and a lifetime’s supply of Hubba Bubba Gum. These items will be dispersed over the next five years. In addition to those items, the city of Seattle will be renamed to Russell and Paul Allen, Seattle Seahawks owner, has agreed to rename the Seahawks to The Wilsons.

The former Seattle Seahawks, now Russell Wilsons held a press conference today in front of Centurylink Field with General Manager John Schneider and Russell Wilson to announce the contract signing.

“I’m so glad to have this opportunity to have not only a city named after me but a team too. Not many players get here. God made me for this. I hope to play for the Russell Wilsons for rest of my career. Go Wilsons!” Wilson said to on-site reporters.

“After Cam Newton’s new contract, I knew there was no way we could possibly pay Russ traditionally and keep this team together. I looked in the rulebook and there was nothing that said a man can’t be paid this way.” Schneider elaborated to the audience.

This could have a tremendous impact on the on-going negotiations between Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts. Sources close to Andrew Luck say he may ask for the city to be named after him. This could be a good move for the Colts as nobody is really quite sure how to spell Indianapolis anyway.

In other Wilsons news, Michael Bennett is not expected to be back for training camp. He is holding out for a better contract. A source close to him says he wants more money and to have his beard be the logo for the Russell Wilsons.

Seahawks Wins/Losses for the 2015-16 season.

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It’s stupid to make predictions now for the upcoming football season. There are five months until the season starts. Who knows what could happen between then and now? Russell Wilson could OD on heroin. Marshawn Lynch could . Bruce Irvin could actually get a DUI. Pete Caroll might invent a time machine and correct his mistake. Certainly no football expert would waste their time trying.

Luckily I’m no football expert. So here’s my predictions.

Seattle Seahawks 2015-2016

Home (8-0)

The Seahawks should go undefeated at home next year. The past two years they dropped one game. I’ll stick with 8-0 even though they did drop one home game the past two years.

Vs. Cardinals (W)
The Cardinals are a good team.I felt so bad for their fans. At one point, they were 9-1. And then everything fell apart so quickly. They made it into the playoffs running on fumes. They won’t be in that condition once the season starts, but I see Seattle beating them here. Of all the teams that could beat Seattle at home, I think they have best shot.

Vs. Rams (W)
This will be a hard game. The Rams are the team that scare me the most when the Seahawks play them. They are a tricky team with a tricky coach. And they’re getting better. If they can get their offense going, they’ll become the biggest threat to the Hawks in west.

Vs. Browns (W)
This is going to be the close game that’s expected to be a blow out going on. Seahawks will eek out a win here. I have no basis for it being close. I just have this gut feeling.

Vs. Steelers (W)
I’m looking really forward to this game. The Seahawks haven’t played the Steelers in the Russell Wilson era. Ben Roethlisberger has never been in Centurylink. And the people of Seattle haven’t forgotten Superbowl 40. The ghost of Matt Hassellbeck will watch over this game with intent.

vs. Panthers (W)
This game will be okay and the Seahawks will win.

Vs. Bears (W)
I have no opinion on the Bears. There’s 32 teams. I can’t keep up with them. I have no opinions on the Titans, Bears, Bengals, and The bears have a great mascot, but the team seems to be struggling. I don’t think they turn it around next year. I hope they do. Bears are awesome and they shouldn’t be represented by a mediocre team.

vs. 49ers (W)
The Niners are in rough shape. Lost their coach. Half their team has retired. Perhaps the quest for six will be a lot longer than their fans expected.

In 2014, the Seahawks owned the Niners. The Hawks ended their Superbowl aspirations with the tip in that NFCC game. They ate turkey on their logo after a blowout in their own stadium.

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Kaep is not good in Centurylink. Sherman has him downloaded. I read some rumors that he’s trying to become a better pocket passer. I don’t see him getting there in Seattle. This will be a win for Seattle. The only way they lose is if Tharold Simon screws up.

Vs. Detroit (W)
The Seahawks should never have let Golden Tate go. It is my feeling that he would be the solution to a lot of their problems on offense. But that’s just me. This will be his revenge game. He ain’t winning though. I wish he could come back.

Away (5-3)

The Seahawks are an excellent team at home. They’re good on the road, but they drop a few game here and there. I expect next year to be no different.

At Packers (W)
The Packers are going to be out for blood in this game, but I don’t think it will be enough. The Seahawks match up really well against the Packers. If Russell Wilson had an average day that NFCC game could have been a blow out. The defense was on fire that game. They played out of their minds to keep it close. Aaron Rodgers will be back to his regular self. This will be a great game.

At Ravens (L)
The Seahawks have to lose on the road. And this is an acceptable loss. It’s a playoff team. Russell Wilson will have one of his funky games.

At Cowboys (L)
The Cowboys are a little worse now. The Seahawks lost to them in Seattle, but that was when Percy Harvin’s bitch ass was still on the team. Still it’s a road game. I expect this to be a loss.

At 49ers (W)
I predict the Hawks to sweep them again.

At Bengals (W)
The Bengals are pretenders.

At Vikings (W)
This game I’m not confident on. I need to read up more on the Vikings. I say this is a soft W. I know they have a young QB who’s not bad.

At Cardinals (W)
I don’t feel too hot about this prediction either. Sweeping the Cards last year only happened because of Ryan Lindley and their defense giving up. I’ll keep the W here, but this is one I would not be surprised to see being an L.

At Rams (L)
The trickery of the Rams beat Seattle last year. Their coach said he had two tricks left to use on Seattle in their Week 17 game. He didn’t get to use them. He’s going to pull them out here in St. Louis where trickery runs wild.

So I’m predicting a 13-3 season. That’s high expectations for this team. They were 7-9 only four years ago. They could drop down there again. A few balls swing the other way last year and they don’t make it to the Superbowl.

The offense should be better next season. Russell Wilson will be another year wiser. Marshawn can continue to do Marshawn Lynch things. Christine Michael might come into his own. If Jimmy Graham is not a bust, that’d be swell for the team too. I can’t tell if struggling early on in games is a part of the design of the Seahawks offense. More blow-outs would be nice to see.

The defense should be around the same. Tharold Simon, who was my least favorite Seahawk last year, will get his shit together. I lost faith in him, but I’m giving him a second chance. That was his rookie year. The only thing about the defense is that if Bobby Wagner or Earl Thomas goes down, the dark times are coming to Seattle.

I hope Mebane is back in time for Week 1. I missed his belly dances throughout the post season.

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I’ll double back on this post right before preseason and before week one. Then depending on the Seahawks playoff situation, I’ll review my preview in December.

That is if I haven’t contracted a terminal disease or been in an unfortunate fatal motor-vehicle accident. Those things could delay my review.

Change of Pace.

Past posts have been too dark so here’s a picture that’s made its way into my heart this week. I hope it finds its way into yours.

He’s controversial. He’s a cheater. I know I’m supposed to hate him, but I can’t quit Bellichick. There’s a comforting warmth behind his eyes. You know not to trust him, but you can’t help but give him the benefit of the doubt.

Billy's Smile

The Birds from Pacific North West

My house was not a sports house growing up. Basketball would be put on but never paid attention to. When the New Jersey Nets were good, I followed them. Then rumors of Jay Z taking them to Brooklyn started popping up. My fandom broke before they moved. I stopped watching basketball. Now I watch football.

I saw only Superbowls growing up. I didn’t have a team to root for in most of them. I didn’t understand a lot of the strange rules they enforced. Many of them I still don’t get.

Lions_Cowboys_Pass_Interference

One of my college roommates ended up being a huge fan of the San Francisco 49ers . So all of us end up watching the 49ers take on the Giants in the NFC Championship game. That was a great game. Unfortunately for my buddy, the 49ers lost after some mistakes by Kyle Williams. That was when I first thought football was fun.

We’re all going nuts over this ball hitting this guy’s knee. People are cursing at him on social media. My buddy was not happy but he kept his chin up. There was always next year.

The next year the 49ers made it to Superbowl 47. That game made me realize I wanted to be a football fan.
I wished that I had a vested interest in this game like my friend did. I wanted to be rooting for a team I followed in the Superbowl. I wanted to the be the one cursing out the television on bad calls and poor play-call choices. I wanted to be looking forward to next year.

The first thing I had to do as a football was pick a team. I lived in New Jersey so I had three local choices; the New York Giants, the New York Jets or the Philadelphia Eagles. In reality it was two choices. I didn’t know much about football then, but I knew the Jets were a joke.

The other two teams felt forced on me. I saw their gear everywhere. I felt like all these places are trying to tell who to root for. I didn’t like that. . So I eliminated all local teams from my selection. This still left me with twenty nine teams to pick from. That was a lot to shift through.

I wanted a team that hadn’t won a Superbowl yet. What could be better than a long arduous journey to the first Superbowl win in franchise history? After years of pain and toil, my team would get to the Superbowl and triumph. No Superbowl Win can be as big as the first one. I wanted to be there for that..

That left fourteen teams.
The Eagles, Panthers, Seahawks, Cardinals, Falcons, Lions, Jaguars, Titans, Browns, Vikings, and Bills. I scratched the Eagles off the list. How could I pick one out of these thirteen teams?

I needed a new angle. I thought about the 49ers. They had to have a rival sports team. My buddy would be annoyed if his team lost to their rivals. That’s bad enough. But what if I was the one who rooted for the team that knocked them out the entire game? That could be a good time for me.

I took a quick trip to Wikipedia and found out the Seattle Seahawks were rivals to the 49ers. I assumed they were the biggest rivals since they appeared first. They were on my list too. The stars had aligned. I was to become a Seattle Seahawks fan solely to spite my own friend.

And it couldn’t be a better fit. I love defense. I loved playing defense in every sport I played during gym class. Defense is an art that is not respected enough in any sport. The point of any sports game is to see who can get the most points. It’s my opinion that it takes more skill and finesse to be a great defender than to be great at offense. The rules favor the offense.

I did not expect the team to be the best team in the league. It’s still funny to me that I had it in my mind of following the Seahawks on this long journey to their first Superbowl win. And then they win it that same year I become a fan. They’re going to be contenders for years to come.

I was so ready for bad times to come when the Seahawks were 3-3 this past year. I was hyped for rebuilding and restructuring. Then they pull another run to the Superbowl out of their asses. That game against Packers had to be biggest ass pull in the Seahawks’ history. They came up a yard short in the big game and it bothered me the entire
day.

I love being a football fan. I’m listening to Seahawks Podcasts and reading up on history during my spare time. I was watching highlights of Superbowl 40 and getting mad at the ref’s calls. I was reading up on the Kingdome. Some of it seats are in Century Link Field. That’s awesome. It’s a good time to be a 12.

By far my favorite thing about sports fandom is sports integrity. Like some guy was yelling at me on a Facebook post for being a Seahawks fan living in New Jersey. He said I’m not allowed to do that. I’m just a bandwagoner. I have three teams to root for in my area. He told me I had to explain myself. I only had two words for him.

Go hawks.

WHY

Today’s blog post about the morality of prostitution and other sex work has been cancelled because of the worst playcall in Superbowl history.

Sherman heart break

Yeah.

Now back to the last minute of the Super Bowl…

Seahawks is driving after the defense let in more points. Everything goes their way. Kearse makes a one-in-a-million catch. Marshawn Lynch is given the ball and stopped at around the 1 yard line. 2nd and goal at the 1.

Everyone in the entire world is waiting for Seattle to feed the beast. For his 25th and game-winning carry of one yard. It’s all about how you finish.

But Seattle didn’t finish.

The No. 1 ranked rushing offense for the 2014-2015 season threw it all away on a pass. Seattle was ranked 27th in passing offense. Russell Wilson was coming off a four interception game. They had a time out. Marshawn Lynch existed. How could this be?

There is no rationale that will make the pain stop for Seahawks fans. Carroll will never be able to explain away this play. Nothing short of Carroll admitting he was paid off will satisfy anyone.

If the Seahawks had been blown out in this game, it wouldn’t hurt so bad. I could say that they didn’t prepare well enough or the injuries took them out of it. If Marshawn Lynch had been stuffed three times, that would have been okay. They stopped the best RB in the league three times. The Patriots defense held when they needed them the most. They deserve the Lombardi. If Marshawn had fumbled the ball, I could chalk it up to bad luck. If they had scored and Tom Brady beat the Legion of Boom in 20 seconds, I’d just admit Brady was the greatest of all time and deserved it.

Seattle had the power of choice. Bevell, Carroll, and Russell chose wrong. They paid the price for not sticking with what brought them to the game.

What is next for Seattle? What does the future bring? Can the team bounce back from this shocking loss?

Will Marshawn Lynch be playing for the Seahawks next year? Will Superbowl 50 be ring number two? Or will Seattle fans have their hearts broken again? Has the window closed for the Seattle Seahawks and their hopes for a dynasty?

None of those questions can be answered now. But there is one thing I know for sure. It’s a fact that helps me feel better about this whole ordeal. It helped me sleep last night after the game.

The San Francisco 49ers won’t be playing in the Super Bowl next year.

The Old Hat.

I used to be in a film club back in college. Our first year we struggled to complete a short film. I must have wrote this script about three to four years ago. The only locations available to film in were the college so I tried to think of a college story that could happen. Out came this script. We didn’t end up shooting this script. I can’t recall what we did instead, but I learned a lot from writing this little script. So I’m posting it.

FADE IN:
INT. SMITHSONIAN HALL – DAY

The inside of a standard college educational building. Recently painted white walls, and bland grey tiles. COLLEGE STUDENTS rush out of classrooms.

STEPH LEAF, 18, a brunette girl, walks a bit behind everyone. She stuffs her notebook into her dull purple purse. Suddenly a HAND grabs her arm!

She is whisked away into a dark, isolated corner where the lights are dim.

A HOODED FIGURE spins her around.

ERIC
It’s gone.

STEPH
Eric?

The man pulls his hood down REVEALING that he is ERIC DERING, 19, a Yankees fanatic who acts half his age.

Steph covers her mouth and averts her eyes! It’s the worst bed head that’s ever been in this or any universe. His hair stands on its edges, like he’s out of a Japanese anime.

Eric pulls the hood back down and starts banging his head into a nearby wall.

ERIC
I’m nothing without that hat. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Eric bangs his head into the nearby wall.

STEPH
Stop!

Eric slumps to the floor. Steph sits down next to him.

STEPH (CONT’D)
Can’t you get another one?

ERIC
Yeah right, Steph! Another 1962 Vintage Yankees hat? Like my grandfather just has another one of those lying around, Steph! Oh gosh. What if my grandad finds out? He’ll kick me out of his will or worse, he’ll tell grandma! And she’ll tell Aunt Tes. And she’ll tell Uncle Riley. And then he’ll say “Not now I’m watching the game!” I HAVE TO FIND THAT HAT, STEPH! WHERE IS MY HAT?! OH GOD! WHERE DID I LEAVE IT!

Eric’s freaking out! Steph grabs him!

STEPH
Chill! Can you do that?! Please. Stay chill and I’ll help you find it!

Eric nods his head. Steph lets go of him. Eric opens his mouth wide. Steph stares him down. Eric shuts his mouth.

STEPH (CONT’D)
Be cool.

ERIC
But-

STEPH
When did you notice it was gone?

ERIC
This morning. I can’t

STEPH
Okay. Run me through your daily routine.

INT. ERIC’S ROOM – THIS MORNING
We see Eric sleeping in his bed. His room is disturbingly filled with Yankees Memorabilia. His walls are plastered with Yankees posters from the franchise’s history. His sheets are Yankee sheets. His chair has a giant Yankee TEDDY BEAR on it. Eric’s fast asleep under the covers with his butt in the air.

ERIC (V.O.)
My usual routine for Monday. First I wake up for my morning class. I get up and make my bed first thing. I wan to start my day off good.

STEPH (V.O.)
Mmm hmm.

An alarm goes off and it scares the bejeesus out of him!

Eric flops out of bed like a fish. He’s only wearing underwear! Derek Jeter’s wide grin smiles from the center of his bum. He panics and runs right into his Yankee Teddy Bear. He holds his back in pain and limps toward the bathroom.

INT. ERIC’S BATHROOM- DAY
Eric’s bathroom is the same as his room, Yankees stuff. There’s even Yankees toothpaste.

ERIC (V.O.)
Then I like put on deodorant. And then like brush my teeth. And try to catch a quick shower.

Eric stumbles into the room, still holding his back. He gazes into the mirror and tries to fix his horrendous hair. He takes out SPRAY DEODORANT with Alex Rodriguez on the side of it.

It’s empty. He shrugs his shoulders and chucks it behind him. It lands on a large pile of empty canisters.

He grabs his toothbrush. He brushes vigorously, so vigorously that it FLIES out of his hands and straight into the toilet!

Eric glances down into the toilet bowl. It’s filthy. Greenish-brown with a yellow tint.

He PLUNGES his arm into the depths of the toilet, splashing water all over himself.


STEPH (V.O.)

Can you get to the hat already?

ERIC (V.O.)
Oh. Okay.

INT. ERIC’S ROOM – LAST MONDAY MORNING

ERIC (V.O.)
I usually keep it in a special safe place. Nobody would ever think to look.

Eric unzips the back of the teddy bear. He checks to see if anyone’s around then pulls THE HAT of it. The hat is beat up and has several stains of questionable origin on it.

Eric breathes in the scent of the hat. Then places it on his head like a crown. It covers his head completely. He looks like a normal person now. Eric walks out of the room, beaming.

INT. SMITHSONIAN HALL – DAY

STEPH
So you had the hat when you left your house today?

ERIC
Yeah! That was the last time I saw it.

STEPH
What was the first class you took today?

INT. SOCIOLOGY 101 – THIS MORNING
Boring lecture. Eric is in the back. His legs are propped up on his desk with his cap over his face. He’s snoring up a storm. He sporadically scratches his crotch to the disdain of the GIRL sitting next to him.

ERIC (V.O.)
My socialism class.

STEPH (V.O.)
Sociology.

ERIC (V.O.)
No. I took that last semester.

Steph sighs.

INT. SMITHSONIAN HALL – DAY

STEPH
Wait! Isn’t that the class with The Chad in it?!

ERIC
Who?

STEPH
The Chad. Eric you don’t know The Chad? He’s the biggest guy on campus! Really big. Not the good kind of muscly big. Not that I like muscles on guys that much anyway.

Steph extends her arms to show his size. Eric’s lost.

STEPH (CONT’D)
He definitely stole your hat!

INT. SOCIOLOGY 101 – THIS MORNING
THE CHAD, a behemoth of a man, waddles in behind Eric. He belly-laughs to himself then swipes Eric’s hat off his head.

ERIC (V.O.)
How can you be so sure?

STEPH (V.O.)
He’s a Red Sox fan, Eric! How could you not know that?

The Chad carefully places a Red Sox Hat on Eric’s head.

INT. HALLWAY- AFTERNOON

Eric gasps!

ERIC
A Red Sox fan?! That explains this!

Eric whips out a Red Sox hat out of his backpack.

ERIC (CONT’D)
That son of a gun! I’ll throttle him! I’ll knock his block off!

Eric pops up from the floor with reinvigorated energy with his dukes up.

STEPH
Do you even know where he lives?

Eric deflates like a popped balloon back to floor.

ERIC
It’s over. I’ll never get it back.

STEPH
(rolling her eyes)
He’s a sophomore so he lives in Parker Hall.

Eric springs back up.

ERIC
To Parker Hall!

Eric kicks open a door in front of him and sprints away!

STEPH
(to herself)
Idiot.

INT. OUTSIDE THE CHAD’S ROOM- DAY
A yellow door with a Boston Red Sox 2004 World Champions poster is seen. Below the poster is “THE CHAD’S CHAMBER” written in red marker.

Eric zooms down the hallway past the door. Steph walks down the hall and stops at the Chad’s door.

STEPH
(panting and yelling)
Eric! His room’s down here!

Eric walks back to Steph. He bends over and pants.

ERIC
Hat. I gotta get it back.

STEPH
You got that figured out?

ERIC
Course I do doll.

STEPH
What did I tell about calling me, doll?

ERIC
Sorry.

ERIC (CONT’D)
So here’s the plan. I’ll knock on the door. He’s a Red Sox fan. He’ll attack me out of sheer jealousy since his team sucks complete balls! Worse than the Mets! And they really suck! Then I’ll put the boots to him. He’ll beg for mercy. I’ll kick him while he’s down and get the hat back.

STEPH
Put the boots to him? Have you seen this guy?

ERIC
The bigger they are, the harder I hit.

Eric rolls up his sleeve and flexes his stringy arms.

STEPH
Right. Go stand over there. I’ll get your stupid old hat.

ERIC
Oh. I see where you’re going with this. You’ll lull him into a false sense of security and then I’ll clobber him.

Eric winks at her and then sneaks down the hallway out of sight.

Steph shakes her head and knocks on the door. Tremendous footsteps shake the hall way. The Chad swings his door open. He’s squeezed into a quadruple extra large Red Sox t-shirt. He glowers down at Steph. Inside of his room, in the middle of his desk is ERIC’S HAT.

The Chad’s voice is deep and booming.

THE CHAD
Who dares to touch The Chad’s door?!

STEPH
I do.

THE CHAD
What business do you have with The Chad, woman?

STEPH
Are you like serious with this third person talking?

THE CHAD
The Chad is eternally serious.

STEPH
You took my friend’s hat.

THE CHAD
The Chad have not a clue what speak of woman.

Steph points at the hat. The Chad tilts his massive body slightly to the left to block the sight of it.

THE CHAD (CONT’D)
That is the Chad’s hat.
You expect me to believe you of all people would own a Yankees hat?

THE CHAD
The Chad doesn’t expect you to believe anything. The Chad expects you to get out of the Chad’s face, stop wasting the Chad’s time and skee-daddle!

The Chad slams the door closed.

STEPH
Right. Okay. I’ll leave.

Steph turns and starts to walk away.

THE CHAD (O.S.)
You better!

STEPH
I’ll go home. Fire up my computer, go online. Maybe hop on twitter! So many people on there these days. Maybe I’ll tweet at the Red Sox. They’ll love to know all about how one of their biggest fans is starting a Yankees hat collection.

The Chad’s door bursts open!

THE CHAD
(Panicking)
No! Not Twitter! The Chad will become a laughingstock in front of all the Red Sox Nation! Woman have mercy on The Chad!

The Chad grovels at her feet.

STEPH
Give me the hat.

ERIC (O.S.)
(yelling)
It’s clobbering time!

Eric runs down the hall, right into a FAKE PLANT! He topples it over and falls flat on his face! The Chad and Steph shake their heads.

THE CHAD
Just like a Yankees fan to get riled up over nothing.

The Chad hurls Eric’s hat out of his room.

THE CHAD (CONT’D)
Here! Take it! I don’t want the hat of a team that hasn’t won a championship in years. Haha! Suck it Yankee Doodle!

ERIC
(picking himself off the floor)
Yeah well, at least I can see my own feet.

THE CHAD
(almost crying)
Hey! Shut up!

The Chad scurries away and slams the door shut. Steph holds her nose and picks up Eric’s hat. She hands it to him.

Eric grasps it like it is his first born son. He kisses the hat then smells it. Steph nearly vomits.

ERIC
I missed you.

He places it on his head. The universal order has been restored.

EXT. OUTSIDE PARKER HALL- LATE AFTERNOON

ERIC
Thanks Steph. I don’t know what I would have done without your help.

STEPH
Just promise me, you won’t lose it again.

ERIC
Sure thing doll.

A strong wind whisks the hat right off Eric’s head.

ERIC (CONT’D)
NOOOOO!!!

Eric runs after it. Steph rolls her eyes and heads off in the opposite direction

FADE TO BLACK.

M7MA9A4405

Destiny.

“Circumstances dictate where you start—a single mother raised Kam Chancellor to become the man he is today—but each individual determines his course.

Where I came from, in Compton, kids were brainwashed into thinking that if they weren’t athletes or rappers or drug dealers they were nothing.

My son will understand that he’s in control of his own destiny and that education, work ethic and discipline will guide him to an even better life than I’ve enjoyed. He’ll be the man who makes this world a better place through positive actions and influence.”

– Richard Sherman, February 2nd issue of Sports Illustrated.

nfl_defense_28

Black Enough

“For some reason we are brainwashed to think, if you’re not a thug or an idiot, you’re not black enough. If you go to school, make good grades, speak intelligent, and don’t break the law, you’re not a good black person. It’s a dirty, dark secret in the black community.”

-Charles Barkley

Last week Charles Barkley dropped this little tirade on the black community. He responded to a rumor that supposedly Russell Wilson, quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks, was considered not black enough by his fellow teammates and that had led to a rift between him and his teammates. Though that rumor was later confirmed to be false by Russell Wilson, I believe Charles Barkley is right on the money with his comments. I’ve been through what he’s talking about.

You speak properly. You do your homework. You don’t make any trouble. And then you get slammed with

“You want to be like them!”

“Think you’re better than the rest of us.”

“You’re not black.”

It got to a point where I would shrug my shoulders in response. I didn’t get what these black people wanted from me. What did I need to prove to them to be really black? What was being “black enough”? I just accepted it. Guess I’m not black then. Guess I’m an Oreo whatever that is.

It took me a long time to realize that those black people didn’t own the black identity nor did they have the right to decide who was black and who wasn’t. They didn’t get to tell me what I am. I defined me.

Barkley’s comments reminded me of Rob Parker’s inquisition into RGIII’s blackness from a few years ago.

For those of you who don’t know Rob Parker, he was a sports analyst on ESPN. One day he went after the quarterback on the Washington Redskins, questioning his blackness. You can see his very ignorant comments in the video below.

Is this only a black thing? Do white people deal with other whites saying they aren’t white enough? Or Latinos? Asians?

Who are these blackness investigators? Where do they come from? Who appointed them to check out and measure blackness? Is there a committee I don’t know about that deals with this? Where do they get their criteria for blackness from?

These investigators always seem to go after any black person having success. Like achieving in life is a sign that you’re likely to stop being black. They never evaluate the blackness of criminals and thugs.

I never heard anything like,

“You just got out of jail for the same shit you went in for? I’m not sure you’re really black then.”

or

“You failed class because you skipped? That’s not very black of you.”

A black man who’s a criminal is accepted. He’s fine. The black community accepts you.

A black man with a white fiance busting his ass everyday trying to live his dream? They’re going to start looking into your blackness. You might not be black enough. You might just be an “Uncle Tom” or “Oreo”. Maybe you’ll be deemed an “honorary white”.

Interesting double standard.

Why do some black people need to make another person’s racial integrity their business? It’s not helping anyone. They’re creating a bigger problem. Smart black children could be dissuaded from higher education because of this sentiment. I’ve overheard children teasing one another about doing homework and studying. Is that what we want?

Why is there this belief that if you don’t fit a certain mold, you’re not black? Is it because certain blacks equate success with selling out their race? Do they think that to be black means you have to suffer? You have to be poor? You have to be married to a black woman?

In the video, Rob Parker gives a vague definition of what being black is. Not having a white fiance, not voting Republican, being down with the “cause” and having dreads.

If some black dude wants to vote republican, then he should be able to without being bothered. If some black guy doesn’t want to have dreads, he shouldn’t have to worry about losing black points. If some black woman wants to marry a white man, there should be no problem. The thing that these blackness investigators forget to realize is that the black experience can’t be ripped away from someone.

You can question their racial integrity but you can’t change how that person feels when they’re pulled over by the police. You can’t take away the eyes staring at their every move when they walk into a 7/11 at night. You can’t make them feel any more comfortable when someone says “you’re better than those other blacks”. You can’t kick them out of the race just because they live their life different than yours.

You can’t.

They’ll always be black and you can’t do anything about it.