“Enough’s enough!” Multiple Reports of Atlanta Officers Walking Out

Atlanta police to get new protective gear

ATLANTA (CNM) – Atlanta police officers are walking out in protest of the criminal charges filed against former Atlanta police officer Garrett Rolfe.

Earlier today, Rolfe, who was fired after shooting of 27-year-old of Rayshard Brooks, was charged with 11 criminal offenses, including felony murder. There have been numerous reports of officers walking out of departments and calling out. There was one report of an officer running out of his department building in his underwear, screaming “Unfair!” over and over again at the top of his lungs.

Atlanta officer George Darren, while speaking to reporters outside of his home, says he will not return to work unless the charges are dropped and Garrett Rolfe is given his job back.

“Enough’s enough!” Officer Darren said. “This is unfair! He was drunk, and resisting arrest! The man stole a police weapon!  Yes, it was deployed and non-lethal. Yes, the officers knew that. Yes, they had his car and could have impounded it. Yes, they had his address and could have arrested him when he returned home.  Yes, they didn’t provide appropriate medical attention after they shot him. Yes, he had his back turned and wasn’t an immediate threat to anyone’s life. But this is unfair! Unfair!”

Darren promised to call out everyday these officers weren’t reinstated. “Just because it wasn’t absolutely necessary to kill him, doesn’t mean he should face consequences. I wouldn’t have taken this job if that were the case! You cannot do this job without shooting people you don’t have to shoot!”

More walkouts are expected in the next few days. There are rumors that these walk-outs aren’t happening, but we’ve decided to publish this article as is for the people.


But What About…


Protests and demonstrations were unheard of in Sumton, Ohio. Yet in the past two months, Mayor Jane Major had dealt with more protests than the previous ten mayors combined. First came the reopeners. They’d gathered outside town hall, holding guns so big they had to have been designed to kill whales.

Their posturing hadn’t shaken Jane Major’s conviction. The city would remain closed until the time was right to reopen. With their curve not flattening, the right time was not going to be anytime soon. Jane Major did not give in easily. She’d been an underdog her whole life. Born with eight and a half toes, she’d been told by doctors that she’d never be able to be a ballerina. After receiving the top award at the World Ballet Competition in 2003, she’d thanked her doctors for the motivation.

She was the first female mayor in Sumton’s history, having had to overcome sexism, voter fraud, and consistent attacks from the local media on her hairstyle. Her red hair and pigtails had been very controversial and led to her being called, “childish”, “unprofessional”, and “Major Piggy” by the Sumton News Daily. None of that had stopped her from taking office.

Just as those protests had been subsiding, the protests against police brutality began. They’d been spared from such demonstrations in the past. She’d thought last year when an officer had shot a one-legged man in his one leg that an out-roar was sure to happen. It was absolutely necessary. My life was in danger, the officer had said in his police report. Sumton had been quiet then, they weren’t quiet now. This week, the police station hadn’t had one day without a crowd of demonstrators gathering outside it. Traffic had been held up by protesters holding hands in the streets. Something had to be done. Unlike the reopeners, Mayor Major agreed with the current protesters that police reform was necessary.

In a conference room in town hall, she’d assembled the most important people in Sumton to discuss police reform; the governing board, police chief Barnsby, and Norbert Daggerton. Daggerton was a rich owner of many local businesses including Daggerton Construction which had built half of Sumton. Named the unsung hero of Sumtown by the Sumton News Daily (which he owned), Norbert Daggerton had influenced every election in Sumton since Ronald Reagan had been shot. Only one mayor had been elected that he had not endorsed, Jane Major.

Wanting to make peace between the two of them, Jane had included Daggerton on the police reform team. Half her term had been jammed up by Daggerton and his floozies. To enact real change, she’d have to hear out his concerns on this issue.  She did fear he wouldn’t be willing to work with her after all the nasty things that had been said over the years. Still, she wanted to give him a chance to speak.

She couldn’t read the neutral expression on his face as he stared at her from across the other end of the large round table the team was sitting at. He was wearing a tan business suit. His hair dyed black to help him appear younger but it had the opposite effect. She might have been able to read him better without the black protective mask on his face. He’d sold hundreds just like it through one of his manufacturing companies. It hid his sharp narrow nose and thin lips that had often been pursed with disapproval when he saw Mayor Major.

When the last person invited to the meeting arrived, Mayor Major gestured to the police officer in the room. He exited the room and locked the door behind him. She’d instructed him not to open it for anyone without her approval. She was determined not to leave without a practical plan for police reform.

Around the table, everyone was sitting at least six feet apart from each other while wearing protective masks. Mayor Major had told everyone that they should set the example for people to follow, even when eyes were not on them like tonight. Yes, it was annoying to have to wear protective masks. Mayor Major’s own mask made her nose itch and smelled. But if they expected the public to do it, they had to do it themselves.

“Thank you for gathering here today.  We have one order of business, police reform. I know you’re all aware of the on-going protests around the country and in Sumton. Police chief Barnsby can attest to that,” Mayor Major said. Barnsby was off to her right. He was a stout man with a face worn down by decades of police work and intense chain-smoking.

Barnsby spoke up in his gruff voice. “Yes. They’re out there now, kneeling in front of the station. Altercations have happened between police and the public that we’re not happy with. Last year’s shooting of Mr. Sakura in his one leg should never have happened. We’re not perfect.  I’m open to changes so long as they are practical.”

“Practical is what I want this police reform to be. Now I’m going to open the room for anyone to speak on what they feel should be addressed in this new legislation,” Mayor Major said. Daggerton cleared his throat, a classic move he’d done over the years to get attention focused on him. “Mr. Daggerton, you wanted to speak?”

Daggerton placed his hands on the table as a show of dominance. “Jane, your concern for Sumton is so admirable. I love it. I’m all about bettering the city.  I built half of it after all,” he said with a chuckle. “Sumton’s police force isn’t perfect, but why is reform necessary?”

“We’ve had shootings of unarmed citizens that shouldn’t have happened. Unarmed African Americans killed by police, three years ago we had three. two years ago, five. This year, eight. A troubling trend.”

Daggerton mulled over what was said for a moment before speaking again. “I’m all for positive change in the lives of African Americans in Sumton. I’ve donated thousands to black causes in the state of Ohio. But what about black-on-black crime?”

“What?” asked Mayor Major, puzzled.

“If we want to lower the deaths of African Americans in Sumton then we have to address that. More African Americans are victimized by their fellow African-Americans than they are by the police as I’m certain chief Barnsby can confirm.” Daggerton said, gesturing to Barnsby who was not expecting to be called upon.

“That is true,” Barnsby replied. “More blacks are killed by citizens than the police.”

“Should we be talking police reform with black-on-black crime being such a problem for the African American community? That’s a bigger issue,” Daggerton said.

“Mr. Daggerton, We’re not here today to-”

“And what about white-on-white crime? We cannot ignore that. We’d be being racist and that itself is abhorrent. There are more white murder victims in this town than black. We must equally consider the white murder victims. And the other minorities. We can’t forget them either.”

“You want to address all murder in this new legislation?” Mayor Major asked, writing that down in her notebook.

“Yes, but before we can focus on murder, shouldn’t we also talk about other violent crimes affecting Sumton. Rape, burglary, battery. What about those crimes? They don’t leave anyone dead, thank heaven for that, but they are still serious crimes that deserve consideration. More people are beaten than murdered in Sumton. We can’t forget them.”

“So, all violent crime then? I’ll note that down.”

“Violent crime, that’s a concern, yes. But what about the source of violent crimes? There’s a cause there. Wealth disparity. What drives a man to break into a car and not purchase one? Lack of wealth. I’m very concerned that if we just reform policing and go all in on crime, we’re not getting at the source of those crimes.”

“Wealth disparity is our primary concern?”

“Yes and no. Wealth disparity on one level is on the individual, but education plays its role, does it not? People aren’t learning enough to prepare them for life. How to balance a check book. How to budget. How to invest. We’ve got to educate our public. Our school systems need to have a good look taken at them, but before we can do that, we have to consider that a lack of funding could be the cause there. Are we allocating funds properly for the school system…”


Jane Major stirred awake. It’d been twelve hours since Daggerton had started voicing his concerns. Jane had drifted off to sleep halfway through Daggerton explaining that they had to be as equally concerned with the earth being destroyed by an asteroid and being engulfed by the sun one day. Only police chief Barnsby was still awake and writing down the concerns in his notebook which was almost full.

Daggerton was still going. “Should we only be concerned with things that exist? What about things that are not? We should give equal consideration to both. Things that are not currently in the state of existence could be as important as those things that are. We are inherently biased because we exist. Issues that don’t exist could be just as important as those issues that do exist, but because we’re on this plane of existence, we’re not concerned with them.”

“It’s eleven o’clock. Can we please go home?” the city planner asked desperately.

“Mr. Daggerton, are you finished with your concerns?” asked Mayor Major, cleaning up the pool of drool she’d made after falling asleep.

“No, I had more concerns,” Mr. Daggerton said.

“It is late. We can break. We didn’t make the progress I wanted, but we can meet again. Before we leave, Mr. Daggerton, did you have any solutions or ideas on how to go about addressing any of your concerns?”

“No. See you all next time,” he said, standing up and quickly moving toward the door.


Why had she ever invited him? Mayor Major asked herself this on her way to her car. She’d give an arm and a leg to go back and stop herself from inviting him to the first meeting. It was better to waste time fighting him than to waste it listen to him prattle on. Sadly, there was no backing out on him now. Daggerton and his unending concerns were a part of the team. Kicking him out would look worse than never having him in the first place. Mayor Major couldn’t think of a way out of this.

“Jane!” called out Daggerton. With his phone in hand, he ran up to her. His face, one of frustration and anguish. “My nephew, Artie. He’s in the hospital!” he said in-between gasps of air to catch his breath. “He was at one of those protests and some officers attacked him with a baton.”


“Yes! We must reform the police!” Daggerton declared. “Now!”

“What about your concerns?” asked Mayor Major.

“What about them? The police are out of control! Little Artie would never hurt a soul and they broke his face! Doctors are saying his nose is going to have be amputated. He was a beautiful boy who worked as a face model. Now he’s going to lose his livelihood. We can’t go home now!” he said. “You and I, we have to stay up and come up with a plan together.”

“I’m all ears,” she said.

Jeffrey Epstein’s cause of death was totally a suicide, says sweaty nervous medical examiner.


(CNM) – Jeffrey Epstein’s cause of death was definitely a suicide. No funny business to be found here, the New York City Office of the Chief Medical Examiner said Friday, wiping sweat from his forehead and looking for approval from the men in suits seated in front of him.

Epstein was found dead in his cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center, awaiting trial for sex crimes. Multiple breaks in Epstein’s neck and serious irregularities at the facility where Epstein was kept led to questions surrounding his death. The medical examiner assured everyone there was nothing fishy about it.

“This man killed himself. It’s plain and simple,” the medical examiner said at a press conference, gazing at the rooftop snipers located a few hundred feet away. “Everything checks out. Did you see the charges he was facing? Who wouldn’t kill themselves if they were facing that? ”

It was previously reported that the two guards assigned to Epstein had failed to check on him for three hours. The medical examiner stated that did not matter.

“My autopsy revealed those men did their jobs properly and shouldn’t be questioned about anything. Mr. Epstein was a very sad depressed man. He committed suicide,” the medical examiner said, reading off a piece of paper handed to him by a man in a suit.

Epstein’s attorneys have said they will conduct their own investigation which the medical examiner stated was not necessary. He ended the press conference begging people to believe him and to tell his family that he loved them very much.

Five-Week-Old Embryo In Alabama Totally Stoked about Abortion Ban

Image result for one month old embryo

ALBERTVILLE, AL – A five-week-old embryo took a brief moment from his busy schedule of multiplying cells and forming his heart tube to share his joy over Alabama’s controversial abortion law.  The new law bans abortion except in the cases where it threatens the mother’s life. “One less thing to worry about in here. Now I can sit back, enjoy my water-sac, and develop my bottom jaw without any stress,” he told reporters during a sit-down interview. “I have to tell you I was nervous. She was saying she wasn’t ready to be a mom and Googling nearby clinics. Well, mom, ready or not, here I come!” he said, before attempting to laugh out of the blob thing that will one day be his mouth. He expressed that he would be happy to see Roe v. Wade overturned one day. “Between me and you, Roe V. Wade made for some tough times for us embryos. Not my favorite Supreme Court ruling, I tell ya.” When questioned about what he was looking forward to most about being born, he said eating ice cream. “Mom just adores ice cream. I get a nibble here and there through the placenta. It’ll be great to taste it with an actual mouth.” His mother refused to give any comments as she was too busy looking at Google Map directions to New York City.

World Hunger On The Rise Again, Lack of Networking to Blame.

(CNM) – After years of steady decline, global hunger is again on the rise. This increase – 350 million more people than last year – is largely fueled by a deficit in networking skills which has led to larger unemployment rates which has led to increased starvation and malnutrition across the world, according to a report published by the World Health Organization.

550 million work-age adults worldwide are networking-stunted, the report says. 100 million adults suffer from shyness. An estimated 220 million adults are too negative-minded to network without being a total downer. Being weird-looking and creepy is also cause for concern. These trends are the consequences of bad parenting, bad gene pools, chronic depression, and millennial entitlement.

“The number has risen dramatically in the past year. What we had here was a surplus of people who went out into the workforce and thought they could get by with a well-written resume, relevant work experience, and a college degree. The working world is more complex than that,” the heads of the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations (FAO), the US Labor of Bureau Statistics (BLS), and the International Networking Skills Development Committee (INSDC) said in their joint foreword to the report.

“This is not something that the world can afford to ignore. To reach our aim of ending hunger and all forms of malnutrition by 2020, we must address the fact that lacking in networking skills leads to unemployment which leads to starvation. Half of the starving population are perfectly-qualified workers who do not network or have a poorly constructed network. Finding an answer to the networking-stunted question is a necessary condition to end world hunger,” they said.

In response to the report, WHO has plans to open networking education centers where networking-stunted individuals will be gathered to help them become better networkers.

“A person who does not know how to network is a person in need of help. If you or anyone you know is networking-stunted, please fill out the form on our website to add to our list of individuals who require networking re-education. After the opening of the networking education centers, the networking-stunted will be transported to the centers where they will have access to free drinks and networking mixers. It is fully recommended that the networking-stunted individuals not ask questions or resist during their relocation,” WHO said in their public response to the report.

Black boy playing Pokémon killed by police officer, officials say

(CNM) – A 7-year-old black boy was shot and killed by Lieutenant Gregory Surge, a white police officer in Kalos, New Hampshire late Thursday night, Police Chief Gary Mills said on Friday.

The killing occurred when the boy walked by the officer while playing Pokémon Sun, the latest entry in the popular series. The officer stopped the boy, then proceeded to fire every round of his firearm into the young child.

The events were detailed during a news conference with Police Chief Mills and Lieutenant Surge, early Friday morning.

“He had to die,” said Lieutenant Surge at the conference. “I told him to stop and show me some identification. He did as I instructed him. This made me very nervous. At this point, I determined the boy to be a huge threat, in fact the threatiest threat that has ever threated. I feared my life was in danger. I had no choice but to pull out my weapon and end his life.”

Police Chief Mills stated that an internal investigation determined that the boy had been playing Pokemon aggressively near Lieutenant Surge. When asked how a seven-year-old posed a threat to his life, Surge left the press conference with no further comment.

Surge has no other incidents of violence on his record other than the time he flipped off the governor for raising his taxes. Surge is currently suspended without pay and must stay in his room with no television for a whole week.

This tragic shooting follows the recent shootings in Orlando, Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, Houston, Seattle, Cleveland, Chicago, Baton Rouge, San Francisco, Maine, New Hope, Chicago, Columbus, Washington, Dallas, Boston, Detroit, and Chicago. It is expected to prompt Congress to aimlessly discuss gun control for the twentieth time this year.

On a brighter note, Nintendo will be transferring all of the deceased child’s Pokémon to his brother. This will allow the boy to complete his Pokédex and become the very best like no one ever was.

The Academy Responds to #OscarsSoPretty

In a move that shocked the cinematic world, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced today that they will make an effort to nominate more miserable ugly people for Oscars in the future.

Marty Feldman

This comes on the heels of the #OscarsSoPretty movement. After the Academy released their annual list of Oscar nominees, people took to social media to criticize the beauty of those nominated. In the past week, Steve Buscemi, Quentin Tarantino, Will Sasso, and Tommy Wiseau have announced they are boycotting the show to show their displeasure with the Academy.

In a blog post on their website, the Academy addressed the concerns about their biases and promised to do better in the future.

“Eighty percent of Americans are fat, ugly and on anti-depressants. The Academy has committed an injustice by nominating only beautiful people. Our nominations should be reflective of the current make-up of American society. We will take the lead here and hope the rest of industry will follow by creating more roles for the ugly, the obese, and the self-loathing.”

Celebrities and rat-faced people on social media have come out to praise the Academy for the progress they’ve made on attractive/unattractive people relations.

“It’s a good start. Ugly people deserve to recognized. We can act as well as anyone,” posted Steve Buscemi on his personal Tumblr.

“The Academy is making the right steps and becoming more inclusive,” wrote Billy Bob Thorton on the back of a dirty car window.

The Academy has yet to comment on the other Oscar controversy, #PleaseGodIneedAnOscarI’llDoAnything which was started by Leonardo DiCaprio last night.

It remains to be seen if they ever will respond to it.

The Carey Show “The Secret in my Son’s Closet.”



A rambunctious AUDIENCE stands and applauds.

Carey! Carey! Carey!

In front of us, a standard afternoon tabloid talk show interview. CAREY, mediator and host, stands in the audience and talks to the camera.

Today on the show, we have a son hiding a dark secret from his own father.

The audience gasps!

Say hello to Mr. Treble.

Mr. Treble, loving father in a ten gallon cowboy hat, struts his way to the interview area. He waves to the audience. The audience claps for him a bit too enthusiastically. He takes his hat off and finds his seat.

Mr. Treble, tell the audience what secret you think your son is hiding.

I think my son might be a gay.

The audience gasps!

And he’s ashamed of it.

The audience gasps!

Tell us more.

Bout a month or two ago. He got some new posters. Hung em on his wall. Posters of half-naked men.

The audience gasps!

That does sound pretty gay.

I asked my boy about it. He took em down. Looked in his room under his bed other day, found a copy of Playgirl in there.

The audience scratches their heads.

That’s the girl version of Playboy if some of you don’t know. It has a strong following in the gay community.

The audience gasps!

That’s not the strangest thang. I woke up late at night to check in on him. Round two or four a.m. My own son. I seen it with my own two eyes. He had on a woman’s dress!

The audience ooohs!

Was it his mother’s dress?

Don’t know bout that. I don’t give a lick of attention to what that silly woman wears.

Did you talk to your son about it?

No. I don’t know much about the queer folk. Didn’t know what to do. That’s why I’m here.

Put a picture of Lance up on the screen.

A picture of Lance, fifteen-year-old skinny white kid in a wifebeater, pops up on the screen. The audience awes.

Ain’t got no problem with the gays. Not raised that way. They people just like us. They just smells nicer and got sillier haircuts. I want my son be true to himself. Come out of the crawlspace as them queers say.

You mean come out of the closet.

We don’t have closets in my house. Don’t believe in ’em.


I’ll always love my boy no matter what. I just want him to talk to me.

Mr. Treble wipes tears from his eyes.

The audience awes.

Let’s give him the chance! Bring out Lance!

TWO SECURITY GUARDS carry a confused LANCE out by his arms and plop him into his seat.

What the hell’s going on here?! Pop?!

Calm down. We’re here to help you, Lance. I’m Carey. This is the Carey Show.

I’m on TV?!

Your father asked for my help so you could tell your little secret.

Anything you want to tell me, boy?

You had these men kidnap me from school to go on this terrible show?

Boy. That’s not what we’re here to talk about.

Be honest with your father. You got a secret you want to share.


Why won’t you be open with me, boy? I love ya. I love ya with all my heart.

I thought this might happen. That’s why we have an expert here with us today to help. He’s a member of the local chapter for Lebgetiqu? Leebgootkwu? Libgitoo? Am I pronouncing that right? Paulie Dianger.

Paulie, a rotund balding slimeball in an marriage equality shirt, steps forward to an open microphone stand.


It’s L.G.B.T. Not a word. An acronym.

He smiles into the camera and licks his dry lips.

What’s all that then?

L. G. B. T. Lesbian. Gay. Bisexual. Transgender.

Lesbian, a gay, bisexual?What in tarnation is a bisexual?

Pop that’s when-

Sssh. Let the expert in queerology explain. A bisexual is a person sexually attracted to men and women. They know how to have a good time with the ferocity of the male penis and the elegance of flowery vagina.

You telling me, there’s people who like BOTH?! WHAT?!

Pop, you never heard of that before?

No. You kids and your new fangled fascinations. I can’t keep up.

Bisexuals been around for like fifty years pop.

All these letters are too confusing. Can’t you cut it down for the older folk? Lesbians and gay same thang. Ain’t it redundant having both? These “Bisexuals” seem to be a gays too. Make it GT. For gays and those transatlantics whatever them are.

There’s also a Q and sometimes an “I”. Forgot to mention that.

What in the hell do those stand for?!

I don’t know.


Lance, settle down! Let Mr. LMFAO continue.

Lance, you need to come out of the closet. It’s 2015. Have no fear that you’re queer! Scream it to the world! I am gay and you should support me today! All of you here today can support Lance and his queerness by buying a T-shirt! Support the cause! One marriage equality shirt here for a 13.95! Two for 32.65!

He reaches down into a box and starts pulling out shirts.

That’s almost a deal! I’ll take seven!

Be the first on your block to show your support. Spread the awareness. That’s the most important part of any movement. Make everyone aware! Buy a shirt for your mom and your dad! Don’t forget little Jimmy.

Gay marriage is already legal here. What’s this money going toward exactly?

Listen to this one here with his questions. “Where’s the money going?” This is a sophisticated form of homophobia. He’s afraid of gays being equal. Don’t ask where’s the money going. Ask where is this country going. And that’s forward. Ignorant people like you are getting left behind. You should all buy an extra t-shirt just to spite this homophobic bigot.


I’ll buy three more!

I’m not gay!

But son….those posters of naked men. And the playgirl under your bed.

You found that?! Pop. I’ll give to ya straight. No pun intended. I’m working out now. Those Playgirl models are in great shape. I appreciate their aesthetics without deriving any sexual satisfaction. I aspire to be them, not be in them.

What about the dress?

Lance blushes.

What? Pop you talking crazy.

I am your only father. Don’t lie to your own blood. You wear a woman’s dress at night!

It’s not a woman’s dress. It’s mine! My dress!

So you admit it then!

Yea I do! I wear a dress! I love it!

The audience is too preoccupied with buying marriage equality shirts to gasp.

I hate boxers! I hate briefs! I hate boxer-briefs! Pop, I WANT TO BE FREE! From all the restraints of cotton. Free to feel the breeze between my knees! Free to be pretty!

Preach on brother!

I ain’t no queer, pop. I’m as straight as you. Just I like wearing dresses like Carey like wearing those pants.

I hate these pants.

You shoulda talk to me at home. Why on this show? In front of millions of people who can’t afford basic cable and have to watch this crap?

I didn’t know what to do. I saw this show on the TV and I called and they a said they’d help. I’m sorry. Pop did you wrong, boy.

Shows like this exploit pain. Only the scummiest of the scummy make a living off exploiting other people’s suffering.

Carey hides his face. Paulie pockets a wad of cash.

Be sure to get a bumper sticker with that t-shirt. Don’t forget to download the marriage equality app! It’s on Google Play. Only 4.99!

I shoulda talked to ya. I’m sorry, boy.

It’s alright Pop. I forgive ya. You still me pop. I always love ya.

You too good to me, boy.

The two hug. Mr. Treble starts to choke up. The audience awes.

Paulie rubs his double chin sinisterly, then waddles over to the father and son.

Now this is a sight to see. Father and son reunited. I can feel the love. Kid, let me tell your story. We need to spread awareness of cross-dressing. I see shirts, bumper stickers, posters, Facebook profile pictures and more. I’ll talk to some people. Maybe we can add a C between the B and G.

That’s alright, Mr. Gay Man. We don’t need your-

Woah buddy! I’m not gay. Ew. I’m a straight ally.

Pop. I got this one. Cross-dressing don’t need help. You ought to spread awareness of crushed nuts. Not too many folks know bout that.

Crushed nuts? What’s that?

Lance KNEES him in the crotch. Paulie drops.

Now you’re aware!

That’s my boy!

The two walk off stage as the audience claps!

Isn’t it great? Up next we have a couple going through some trouble. She has a foot fetish. He lost the lower half of his fighting for our freedoms overseas. Should they stay together? Can you love someone when they’re only half a person? Stay tuned.

A Beginner’s Guide to Straight Edge

Some people out there are confused about the Straight Edge lifestyle. They are confused and they ask several questions. Don’t worry! I’ll clear up all the confusion by answering questions sent in by people from across the world! My associate, Andy from Salt Lake City will be aiding me in answering these questions!

Question 1 from A. Jarvis: What is straight edge?

Me: This is one thing many people are horribly confused about.

Andy: Straight Edge is defined as no drinking alcohol, no smoking, no recreational drugs, and no promiscuous sex on page one of the Straight Edge handbook. That’s pretty much it. Anything else you’ve heard is just bullshit.

Me: We should probably talk about caffeine too. That’s controversial.

Andy: I don’t touch the stuff but I’m not going to kill someone for drinking coffee. People can be addicted to that  stuff like other drugs. Some need it to wake up in the morning. I don’t need it because I’m never tired. I get the right amount of sleep every night unlike the rest of America.

Me: I drink coffee either but sometimes I forget soda has caffeine in it. So I’m tricked into drinking it!

Question 2 from T. Tang: Where does Straight Edge come from?

Me: Minor Threat. Ian MacKaye didn’t like the way people in the punk music scene treated people who didn’t do drugs. They made fun of them. So in 1980, he wrote the song straight edge talking about he was just a person like all of them except he didn’t do all the drugs they did. This gave straight kids like him an edge. Straight-Edge. Then he wrote Out of Step. You should look up Minor Threat’s discography and listen to get it.

Andy: Ian MacKaye is one badass motherfucker. I hope I can rock the bald look when I’m his age.

Me: I don’t think he’d appreciate how you live your life, dude.

Andy: What are you talking about?

Question 3 from J. Nelson: Why do people need to call themselves straight edge? Why do you need to tell everyone? Why can’t you just keep it to yourself?

Andy: It’s because doing drugs is so absorbed by our culture that when people see you without knowing you, they assume you’re a pathetic drinker just like them. That shit pisses me off. That’s why I got an X tattooed on my face. It’s the only way people will know what I am.

Me: It’s nice to have a name for what you are.

Andy: Yeah. If it wasn’t called straight edge, it’d be called something else.

Me: There are people who don’t take the label and share the beliefs.

Andy: Those people are fucking idiots who think straight edge is a cult.

Me: It’s also an easy way to find other people who share your beliefs. Like in college, this one guy was wearing a Have Heart Straight Edge shirt. It was then I knew we would be best friends forever.

Andy: It almost makes me feel more important because I’m a part of something bigger than me.

Me: It’s like religion without dealing with that god bullshit.  A power that comes from within not outside.

Question 4 from P. Obsessive: Why are Straight Edge people jerks?

Me: This is a generalization. Similar to asking why are all americans fat?

Andy: Because they are sick of the shit thrown in their face everyday by a poisoned majority. Straight Edge is a movement towards human progress. White supremacists thought Martin Luther King Jr was a jerk but he got shit done because he was vocal about it.

Me: Straight edge also breaks down into several groups of beliefs. Not everyone who is straight edge shares the same beliefs.

Andy: Yeah. That’s very common.

Me: There are the only for me people. They are drug free but don’t care if people do drugs around them either because they just don’t like the feeling of drugs or they don’t care what other people do.

Andy: The uncle toms of the straight edge movement.

Me: That’s not nice. I have a friend like that. he plays beer pong and has someone else drink for him

Andy: That’s the most disturbing thing I have ever heard. How can he wear an X proudly when he falls in line with society’s problems. Being tolerant of them is the problem. Intolerance isn’t a bad thing. Your friend needs to learn that

Me: Then there’s people like me. I’d greatly prefer to never see drugs or alcohol again but I have to live with it in my life because my friends do the stuff and going through life with no friends is boring.

Andy: Get new friends who don’t do drugs. Surround yourself with people who share your beliefs. Otherwise you’ll be miserable. Once I became straight edge, I ditched all my old friends and got new ones who were  functioning human beings

Me: That’s not possible. This leads to my last group of Straight Edge, militant.

Andy: You’re just as militant as I am. Being militant doesn’t mean you carve Xes in people’s backs and burn down bars. It just means you care a lot about a movement.

Me: You do carve Xes in people’s backs, man. I’m pretty sure you burned down a bar last week.

Andy: This is a war on drugs, dude. We are the soldiers. Me, you, and your buddy from college. We have to set humanity on the right path. Look at the lives lost per year because people have to have “fun”. The youth of today has to learn the difference between right and wrong. In my eyes, Straight Edge is right. Our mindset is the best one. We’re the only ones that have heart in today’s world. We have to stand up and show that we aren’t a minor threat to society. We must carry on in this battle. I’m sick of it all man. I’m ready to fight everyone and slapshot every druggie I see.

Me: I kinda agree but one day you’re going to go to jail for the things you do.

Andy: Martin Luther King Jr. went to jail. I’m ready, dude. Bring it on. I’ll bust some drug dealer heads in jail

Question Five *Blog Exclusive* from Z. Chong: What is the worst drug out there?

Andy: You’d think it’d be like heroin, but actually it’s alcohol.

Kofi: I completely agree. People think alcohol is harmless and it’s shoved in the face of children. I remember I used to watch TV as a kid and I used to want to drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade thinking it was a better version of lemonade.

Andy: Society makes alcohol worse than everything because it’s accepted. Cigs are bad but smokers are second rate citizens. They are being taxed to poverty. They can’t smoke in buildings or where I eat. Commercials tell you all the time that cigs are bad, but not alcohol. I won’t rest until people who drink are treated as second class citizens.

Me: Okay. Well that’s all the time we got. I hope people out there are less confused about this lifestyle I live.

Andy: Hopefully we convinced some of these spineless losers to put down that beer and make something of their lives. I doubt it though. Social norms have a tight firm grip on the balls of people so I doubt any of them are strong enough to be straight edge. They’ll pussy out and continue to live meaning lives.

Me: Alright bye bye now!