The Way

Even if we knew the solutions to our impossible problems, (racism, sexism, crime, poverty, hunger, illness, violence) we would not be able to solve them. Our system is not built for such radical change.

Picture this. A man sleeps in his bed. He is visited by an omnipotent cosmic creature that wants to help mankind. The creature whispers in his ear the way for man to live together in peace and harmony. Where suffering is minimized and everyone can eat as much cake as they want without gaining weight. The man wakes up.

What can he do with that divine inspiration? How best could he reach the world to show us the way?

The man could try out politics, the game of compromise. But to enter politics, he’d need money and a good reputation. He’d need to appear to be what the people wanted so they would vote for him. If he had a stammer, showed weakness or was born the wrong race, he could fail right out of the gate. He’d have to shake hands and kiss butts for a long time before he could start enacting any change.

He’d have to be able to withstand the media and the mud-slinging from other politicians. His solutions would be radical therefore controversial and dangerous. He’d have to keep them bottled up or he’d end up scaring off voters. Even if he were completely right, he’d end up losing. Being right doesn’t guarantee you votes. He’d have to learn to smile for the camera. He’d have to join one of the two major parties if he wanted to really get anywhere.

Even if he made it to the top and became President, he’d have only eight years at most to stir America the right way. And that would be only America. The rest of the world would be lost to him. If people didn’t see results instantly, he’d be out in four years for someone else pretending to know what he knew. He’d face difficulty from the corrupt for his entire life if radical change did come. He might end up assassinated. Then the way would be lost.

He could try his hand at religion. He could create a church that worshiped the divine creature that visited him. . Persuasion would be a necessary tool to get started. A community would have to be born that believed in him and his way. But without the inertia of tradition, why would anyone listen to him? What separated him from the mentally ill and insane?

If he were charismatic, he might be able to start a cult. H might be lucky enough to build a grand church out of that. But the way would end up lost when he passed away. His disciples would interpret his teachings as best they could. But they would be human and therefore selfish. The way would be stained by their desires. Changing whenever it benefited them.

Academia is another path. He could write down all he knew. He might end up in peer-reviewed journals. His message would reach an elite group of intelligent people but be lost to the public. He’d receive awards for his brilliant writings. He could become so noteworthy that people would teach classes about him and his philosophy. A few students might end up inspired to do their best to carry on his way. Others might see his way as a reason to hurt others.

The man would best be suited to going right back to sleep and pretending he never heard a thing.

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Writing Prompt 3/3/15

You’re outside shoveling your own driveway when you decide, as a kind gesture, to shovel your neighbor’s driveway too. Just then a group of teenagers with shovels show up and threaten you, claiming that this is “their turf.” What do you do?

Okay. First off I would never EVER shovel my neighbor’s driveway too. He has a strange unhealthy relationship with his dog and he’s always snooping. I’m not going anywhere near his place. So this scenario would not play out. I wouldn’t even be outside in the first place. It’s dangerous out there. Why would I risk my life going outside to move some snow? Snow is going to go whether I move it or not. If I don’t move it, nature will. I’m not going outside and messing with Mother Nature’s business. Who am I to question Mother Nature? Maybe she put the snow there for a good reason. It might have been to counter act global warming. All this snow shoveling business could be what’s causing global warming if you think about it. Why else would it snow in certain places but not others? It’s all part of the natural process. Maybe if we left the snow where it laid, we wouldn’t have this planet warming problem.

But let’s say I decide to help my dickhead neighbor and play God by shoveling my driveway and his. If a group of teenagers threatened me, I would do the smartest thing that a man can do at any time. Nothing. I’d stand there and pretend to not hear them. I’d become a human statue. You can’t threaten a statue. Sure they could beat me with their shovels, but they would tire out. I would outlast them. I’ve been through many a shovel pummel. This would be their first human statue beating. They wouldn’t be prepared. I have a will of steel. The teens would move on and go watch Adventure Time or whatever it is teens watch these days.

Doing nothing at all solves many more problems than most people expect.

Carey Show “Son of God.”

CAREY: Today we’re going to be talking about a real big epidemic happening in today’s youth. More and more each year, more and more of America’s youth are being caught up in a new dangerous fad. Kids have always talked back to their parents. They have always rebelled but this new form of rebellion may be the most dangerous form of all time. The three kids brought to the show today  claim to be part of a cult group known as “The Atheists”. This group does not believe in the existence of the God. They believe that God does not exist.

(The audience gasps in Horror)

This group is known for several things. They listen to soft rock and engage in

(Long Pause)

Anal sex.

(One women in the audience faints and must be carted away.)

The parents of this children have brought their kids here today to save their immortal souls from the fiery gates of hell. Hopefully we can scare these kids and send them back on the path to the Righteous, Holy, and very Attractive Jesus Christ!

(The audience cheers. One heavyset black woman yells “Praise Him”)

Now first we’ll bring out the mother of Nathan, a devout Christian. Her son is out of control.

(The audience cheers as Ms. Abernathy walks out)

MS. ABERNATHY: Thanks, Carey. My son is out of control!

CAREY: Ms. Abernathy, tell us how this all started.

MS. ABERNATHY: It started slowly. First he didn’t want to go to church. He told me he had better things to do.

(The audience boos heavily)

CAREY: There is nothing bigger than God in this life or the next.

MS. ABERNATHY: That’s what I told him. And he told me.

(Long Pause)

He told me. He didn’t think there was a god. And he said…

CAREY: What did he say, Ms. Abernathy?

MS. ABERNATHY: He said, he was one of those atheists.

(The audience boos. The heavyset black woman yells out ” Aw hell naw!”)

CAREY: That is one of the most disturbing stories I have ever heard in my life.

Please bring out the boy now.

(Nathan walks out onto the stage. He is hit with crosses and bibles as he takes his seat.)

NATHAN: This is stupid!

CAREY: Stupid? We’re here to help you get through this phase in your life, Nathan.

NATHAN: What phase?

CAREY: This cult group you’ve joined, Tte atheists. Do you even know what an Atheist is, Nathan?

NATHAN: A person who doesn’t believe in the existence of god.

CAREY: Where did you hear about this?

NATHAN: I read about it on the internet.

CAREY: Really? When I grew up, I never read anything on the internet. Do you know what I read, Nathan?

NATHAN: Playboy Magazine?

CAREY: NO! I read the Bible!

NATHAN: I’ve read that once or twice. I didn’t like the plot very much. They kill off the main character but then they bring him back. It kills the suspension of disbelief.

CAREY: You should go back and read it again. There’s this guy in it and he wants to save you! Do you know his name?

NATHAN: God?

CAREY: No. His name is Jesus.

NATHAN: Aren’t they the same thing?

CAREY: Well. Uh.

MS. ABERNATHY: That’s not the point! You need to get back on the right path! Back into the succulent bosom of the Lord!

NATHAN: But Mom, you always said I should respectful of other people’s beliefs. Why don’t you respect mine?

MS. ABERNATHY: Because you are young and being led astray out of the herd. You need your Shepard. You need Jesus!

(The Audience hums “Amazing Grace.”)

Atheists aren’t happy! They cause trouble! They kill babies and engage in anal sex! Not my son! Not my son! NOT MY SON!

NATHAN: Mom, you’ve got it all backwards. It’s gay men who have anal sex.

MS. ABERNATHY: How could you know that? Unless you were a gay!

(The audience gasps.)

CAREY: OH MY GOD! We’ll be right back after this quick commercial break!