The Egalitarians!

Everybody’s fighting for equality. Feminists. Meninists. The NAACP. The GLAAD. The NSA. The BCCA and many more important acronyms. Each of these groups claiming to have the same goal. Equal rights and equal opportunity for all of mankind.

But I bet if you got all these these equality seekers in the same room, they would be at each other’s throats. The room would turn violent very quickly. Because they all have their own definition of equality. Some say the shaming of feminine traits to be the cause of society’s ills. Others think it all comes down to class and economic disparity. More might say it’s down to racial bias. The only thing these groups would agree is that the world is unequal.

But what if they all got along? They let bygones be bygones. They open their fists and close their mouths. They embrace one another. They burn all their t-shirts, posters and bumper stickers they needed to spread awareness of their issues. They cast aside their old labels. They throw away all their silly acronyms and hashtags. They have the same goal so why fight one each other? Why have different names? Their super equality group will be known under one name.

The Egalitarians.

They will eradicate bias and privilege of any sort. They will be the scale-balancers. Seekers of fair.

What is the first thing on the agenda of the egalitarians? Economic disparity. They go after the wage gaps between sexes and race. They gain ground easily with a frustrated public. A bill is pushed through the government that puts an end to unequal pay.

But that’s not enough. Still there are more male CEOs than women. More white engineers than minorities. Too many minorities in prison. People are trapped in circles of poverty with no way out. The egalitarians are now after equal opportunity for everyone.

They create incentive programs for other groups in science. They shovel money into poor neighborhoods. They improve the education system. It takes them over a thousand years to shatter the circles of poverty, but they manage to get the job down.

But equal opportunity is still not there. The extraordinary are ruining it. They have better genetics than the average person. Their faces are more symmetrical so people treat them better. Their minds are naturally sharper. This is leading to them making more money and taking advantage of more opportunities. A painter can create a beautiful painting and sell it for thousands. Not everyone can be a great painter even with hard work and dedication.

These extraordinary people must be dealt with. They need to be knocked from their pedestals and brought down to everyone’s level. Why should they get more out of life because they were born a certain way? That is unequal and the egalitarians are here to snuff that out.

The egalitarians set up checks in hospitals to enact their final solution for unequal opportunity. If your child is extraordinary, strange or different, it will be terminated. There is some resistance at first, but the egalitarians have too much power to be stopped. The genius, the stunningly beautiful, the mentally deficient, and the ugly are all eradicated. There will be no deviation from the group. Everyone will be on the same playing field.

The egalitarians use to science to modify people into one gender. Why should women get to enjoy childbirth and men cannot? Everyone’s skin color is drained from them until they are a pale grey. And with that, the world is finally rid of sexism and racism.

The egalitarians still find bias amongst humanity. People showing more preference and love to family members. They find comfort in people who are from the same culture as them. Why should you enjoy a person more because they share the same blood as you? This is not equal. And so the egalitarians destroy the family unit. Babies are ripped from their mothers. You are not a child to a person. You are a child of the world. You will show the same love to all children, not that of your blood. Everyone is your family. Everyone is your friend. Everyone is your lover. That is equal.

The egalitarians go out and destroy all forms of culture. Where there is culture, there are those who don’t belong. Those who don’t belong are not treated the same. That is unequal. Every church, temple, mosque is burned down. No more identifying as a group. You are all people. That is the only identification that you need. You do not need the comfort of people who think like you. You will find comfort in your fellow man.

People are moved around every couple of months to prevent them from growing attached to their region. If you love where you’re from, you’ll show love to others who are from there. You should feel at home everywhere.

The egalitarians are pleased by the results. Equality has almost been achieved. Everyone is on the same level. No one can achieve more than anyone. They show the same amount of compassion to their fellow man.

But there still remains the problem of thoughts. There are people who are pretending to be equal. They still have bias in their hearts. They are safe inside their minds to be as biased as possible. True equality can’t allow these pretenders.

The egalitarians build a machine that allows them to see the inner thoughts of every person. They know all thoughts. If you are biased in anyway, the egalitarians will know. They will find you. There is no hiding from the egalitarians. You will be terminated for your bias. It’s the only solution. The egalitarians cannot be lax, not when equality is so close to being achieved.

The egalitarians smile at their just equal world. They wish those of the past could have enjoyed it. The first egalitarians are long gone. This was their dream and they aren’t around to enjoy it. In fact the billions of humans can’t. They’re dead. The people of today and the future will be equal but not those in the past. Why should these people enjoy this beautiful equal future when others cannot? The living should not get preference over the dead. That is unequal.

Then the egalitarians see the truth of equality. So long as a person lives, they are privileged over those who are gone. And those who are gone are privileged over those who never had the chance to exist. Why should the losers in the race to the egg remain forgotten and unknown? That is unequal.

The egalitarians build a bomb that will erase every trace of mankind. Non-existence is equality. True equality at its core. The bomb goes off and with it goes mankind. But it does more than decimate the earth. The egalitarians were kind enough to spread equality through the universe. Why should only lifeforms on earth get to revel in equality? It engulfs the universe, leaving nothing.

Because nothing is equal.

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The Way

Even if we knew the solutions to our impossible problems, (racism, sexism, crime, poverty, hunger, illness, violence) we would not be able to solve them. Our system is not built for such radical change.

Picture this. A man sleeps in his bed. He is visited by an omnipotent cosmic creature that wants to help mankind. The creature whispers in his ear the way for man to live together in peace and harmony. Where suffering is minimized and everyone can eat as much cake as they want without gaining weight. The man wakes up.

What can he do with that divine inspiration? How best could he reach the world to show us the way?

The man could try out politics, the game of compromise. But to enter politics, he’d need money and a good reputation. He’d need to appear to be what the people wanted so they would vote for him. If he had a stammer, showed weakness or was born the wrong race, he could fail right out of the gate. He’d have to shake hands and kiss butts for a long time before he could start enacting any change.

He’d have to be able to withstand the media and the mud-slinging from other politicians. His solutions would be radical therefore controversial and dangerous. He’d have to keep them bottled up or he’d end up scaring off voters. Even if he were completely right, he’d end up losing. Being right doesn’t guarantee you votes. He’d have to learn to smile for the camera. He’d have to join one of the two major parties if he wanted to really get anywhere.

Even if he made it to the top and became President, he’d have only eight years at most to stir America the right way. And that would be only America. The rest of the world would be lost to him. If people didn’t see results instantly, he’d be out in four years for someone else pretending to know what he knew. He’d face difficulty from the corrupt for his entire life if radical change did come. He might end up assassinated. Then the way would be lost.

He could try his hand at religion. He could create a church that worshiped the divine creature that visited him. . Persuasion would be a necessary tool to get started. A community would have to be born that believed in him and his way. But without the inertia of tradition, why would anyone listen to him? What separated him from the mentally ill and insane?

If he were charismatic, he might be able to start a cult. H might be lucky enough to build a grand church out of that. But the way would end up lost when he passed away. His disciples would interpret his teachings as best they could. But they would be human and therefore selfish. The way would be stained by their desires. Changing whenever it benefited them.

Academia is another path. He could write down all he knew. He might end up in peer-reviewed journals. His message would reach an elite group of intelligent people but be lost to the public. He’d receive awards for his brilliant writings. He could become so noteworthy that people would teach classes about him and his philosophy. A few students might end up inspired to do their best to carry on his way. Others might see his way as a reason to hurt others.

The man would best be suited to going right back to sleep and pretending he never heard a thing.

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Four Years Gone.

Today marks the fourth anniversary of my blog. How the hell have I been doing this for four years now?

On this fourth anniversary, I’m going to ask myself the most important question a person can ask themselves.

What would make me happy?

Finances

I want to get rid of my student loan. I don’t like debt. I want it dead and gone. I’d be be much happier living in a box with no debt than living in a mansion with debt. I can’t wait to have this weight lifted off my chest. I don’t want a big house. I don’t need a nice car. I want to make enough money to live well and buy some stuff I don’t need. I don’t need a movie theater in my house, but having one would be nice.

Location

I’ve spent enough time in New Jersey. This state is fine to raise a family in, but I want to get out there. Burbank, California is the goal for me right now. I’m hoping that by 28, I’m out of this state. I’ll be happy leaving America too. I’ll see if I can spend some time up in Canada. Maybe I’ll move out to Seattle.

Career

I made a promise to myself. I can fail at every other aspect of my life, but not the writing part. I will publish books and I will break into Hollywood if it takes me the rest of my natural life. If I let that dream go, I will have failed at my purpose in life. I can’t compromise that. Nothing comes before that.

Home
I want to retire to log cabin in the woods and live off the land. I’ve had this want for some time now. I wish I knew where it came from. I don’t know anything about gardening. But I believe I could find some peace of mind away from the world. I don’t want to spend my last days in a city or suburbs. I’ll move to one of the middle states.

I’m thankful that I know exactly what I want out of life at age 23. It’s all about gaining the resources to make those things happen. Baring any accidental death, I’m banking on getting twenty-seven more years out of life. Anything beyond that is extra time in the log cabin. I want to accomplish everything by the age of fifty.

Won’t be easy.

The Carey Show “The Secret in my Son’s Closet.”

WARNING! THE CAREY SHOW MAY CONTAIN MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN OR THE OVERLY SENSITIVE! PARENTAL DISCRETION ADVISED! ALSO THOSE OTHER DISCRETIONS THAT NO ONE TALKS ABOUT!

SECOND WARNING! THIS SHOW DOES NOT PASS THE BECHEDEL TEST! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! TWICE NOW!

A rambunctious AUDIENCE stands and applauds.

AUDIENCE:
Carey! Carey! Carey!

In front of us, a standard afternoon tabloid talk show interview. CAREY, mediator and host, stands in the audience and talks to the camera.

CAREY:
Today on the show, we have a son hiding a dark secret from his own father.

The audience gasps!

CAREY:
Say hello to Mr. Treble.

Mr. Treble, loving father in a ten gallon cowboy hat, struts his way to the interview area. He waves to the audience. The audience claps for him a bit too enthusiastically. He takes his hat off and finds his seat.

CAREY:
Mr. Treble, tell the audience what secret you think your son is hiding.

MR. TREBLE:
I think my son might be a gay.

The audience gasps!

MR. TREBLE:
And he’s ashamed of it.

The audience gasps!

CAREY:
Tell us more.

MR. TREBLE:
Bout a month or two ago. He got some new posters. Hung em on his wall. Posters of half-naked men.

The audience gasps!

CAREY:
That does sound pretty gay.

MR. TREBLE:
I asked my boy about it. He took em down. Looked in his room under his bed other day, found a copy of Playgirl in there.

The audience scratches their heads.

CAREY:
That’s the girl version of Playboy if some of you don’t know. It has a strong following in the gay community.

The audience gasps!

MR. TREBLE:
That’s not the strangest thang. I woke up late at night to check in on him. Round two or four a.m. My own son. I seen it with my own two eyes. He had on a woman’s dress!

The audience ooohs!

CAREY:
Was it his mother’s dress?

MR. TREBLE:
Don’t know bout that. I don’t give a lick of attention to what that silly woman wears.

CAREY:
Did you talk to your son about it?

MR. TREBLE:
No. I don’t know much about the queer folk. Didn’t know what to do. That’s why I’m here.

CAREY:
Put a picture of Lance up on the screen.

A picture of Lance, fifteen-year-old skinny white kid in a wifebeater, pops up on the screen. The audience awes.

MR. TREBLE:
Ain’t got no problem with the gays. Not raised that way. They people just like us. They just smells nicer and got sillier haircuts. I want my son be true to himself. Come out of the crawlspace as them queers say.

CAREY:
You mean come out of the closet.

MR. TREBLE:
We don’t have closets in my house. Don’t believe in ’em.

CAREY:
Right….

MR. TREBLE:
I’ll always love my boy no matter what. I just want him to talk to me.

Mr. Treble wipes tears from his eyes.

The audience awes.

CAREY:
Let’s give him the chance! Bring out Lance!

TWO SECURITY GUARDS carry a confused LANCE out by his arms and plop him into his seat.

LANCE:
What the hell’s going on here?! Pop?!

CAREY:
Calm down. We’re here to help you, Lance. I’m Carey. This is the Carey Show.

LANCE:
I’m on TV?!

CAREY:
Your father asked for my help so you could tell your little secret.

MR. TREBLE:
Anything you want to tell me, boy?

LANCE:
You had these men kidnap me from school to go on this terrible show?

MR. TREBLE:
Boy. That’s not what we’re here to talk about.

CAREY:
Be honest with your father. You got a secret you want to share.

LANCE:
No.

MR. TREBLE:
Why won’t you be open with me, boy? I love ya. I love ya with all my heart.

CAREY:
I thought this might happen. That’s why we have an expert here with us today to help. He’s a member of the local chapter for Lebgetiqu? Leebgootkwu? Libgitoo? Am I pronouncing that right? Paulie Dianger.

Paulie, a rotund balding slimeball in an marriage equality shirt, steps forward to an open microphone stand.


PAULIE:

It’s L.G.B.T. Not a word. An acronym.

He smiles into the camera and licks his dry lips.

MR. TREBLE:
What’s all that then?

PAULIE:
L. G. B. T. Lesbian. Gay. Bisexual. Transgender.

MR. TREBLE:
Lesbian, a gay, bisexual?What in tarnation is a bisexual?

LANCE:
Pop that’s when-

PAULIE:
Sssh. Let the expert in queerology explain. A bisexual is a person sexually attracted to men and women. They know how to have a good time with the ferocity of the male penis and the elegance of flowery vagina.

MR. TREBLE:
You telling me, there’s people who like BOTH?! WHAT?!

LANCE:
Pop, you never heard of that before?

MR. TREBLE:
No. You kids and your new fangled fascinations. I can’t keep up.

LANCE:
Bisexuals been around for like fifty years pop.

MR. TREBLE:
All these letters are too confusing. Can’t you cut it down for the older folk? Lesbians and gay same thang. Ain’t it redundant having both? These “Bisexuals” seem to be a gays too. Make it GT. For gays and those transatlantics whatever them are.

PAULIE:
There’s also a Q and sometimes an “I”. Forgot to mention that.

MR. TREBLE
What in the hell do those stand for?!

PAULIE:
I don’t know.

LANCE:
WAIT! POP! YOU THINK I’M GAY?!!

CAREY:
Lance, settle down! Let Mr. LMFAO continue.

PAULIE:
Lance, you need to come out of the closet. It’s 2015. Have no fear that you’re queer! Scream it to the world! I am gay and you should support me today! All of you here today can support Lance and his queerness by buying a T-shirt! Support the cause! One marriage equality shirt here for a 13.95! Two for 32.65!

He reaches down into a box and starts pulling out shirts.

AUDIENCE MEMBER:
That’s almost a deal! I’ll take seven!

PAULIE:
Be the first on your block to show your support. Spread the awareness. That’s the most important part of any movement. Make everyone aware! Buy a shirt for your mom and your dad! Don’t forget little Jimmy.

SLY AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Gay marriage is already legal here. What’s this money going toward exactly?

PAULIE:
Listen to this one here with his questions. “Where’s the money going?” This is a sophisticated form of homophobia. He’s afraid of gays being equal. Don’t ask where’s the money going. Ask where is this country going. And that’s forward. Ignorant people like you are getting left behind. You should all buy an extra t-shirt just to spite this homophobic bigot.


AUDIENCE MEMBER:

I’ll buy three more!

LANCE:
I’m not gay!

MR. TREBLE:
But son….those posters of naked men. And the playgirl under your bed.

LANCE:
You found that?! Pop. I’ll give to ya straight. No pun intended. I’m working out now. Those Playgirl models are in great shape. I appreciate their aesthetics without deriving any sexual satisfaction. I aspire to be them, not be in them.

MR. TREBLE:
What about the dress?

Lance blushes.

LANCE:
What? Pop you talking crazy.

MR. TREBLE:
I am your only father. Don’t lie to your own blood. You wear a woman’s dress at night!

LANCE:
It’s not a woman’s dress. It’s mine! My dress!

MR. TREBLE
So you admit it then!

LANCE:
Yea I do! I wear a dress! I love it!

The audience is too preoccupied with buying marriage equality shirts to gasp.

LANCE:
I hate boxers! I hate briefs! I hate boxer-briefs! Pop, I WANT TO BE FREE! From all the restraints of cotton. Free to feel the breeze between my knees! Free to be pretty!

BEARDED MAN IN A DRESS:
Preach on brother!

LANCE:
I ain’t no queer, pop. I’m as straight as you. Just I like wearing dresses like Carey like wearing those pants.

CAREY:
I hate these pants.

LANCE:
You shoulda talk to me at home. Why on this show? In front of millions of people who can’t afford basic cable and have to watch this crap?

MR. TREBLE:
I didn’t know what to do. I saw this show on the TV and I called and they a said they’d help. I’m sorry. Pop did you wrong, boy.

LANCE:
Shows like this exploit pain. Only the scummiest of the scummy make a living off exploiting other people’s suffering.

Carey hides his face. Paulie pockets a wad of cash.

PAULIE:
Be sure to get a bumper sticker with that t-shirt. Don’t forget to download the marriage equality app! It’s on Google Play. Only 4.99!

MR. TREBLE:
I shoulda talked to ya. I’m sorry, boy.

LANCE:
It’s alright Pop. I forgive ya. You still me pop. I always love ya.

MR. TREBLE:
You too good to me, boy.

The two hug. Mr. Treble starts to choke up. The audience awes.

Paulie rubs his double chin sinisterly, then waddles over to the father and son.

PAULIE:
Now this is a sight to see. Father and son reunited. I can feel the love. Kid, let me tell your story. We need to spread awareness of cross-dressing. I see shirts, bumper stickers, posters, Facebook profile pictures and more. I’ll talk to some people. Maybe we can add a C between the B and G.

MR. TREBLE:
That’s alright, Mr. Gay Man. We don’t need your-

PAULIE:
Woah buddy! I’m not gay. Ew. I’m a straight ally.

LANCE:
Pop. I got this one. Cross-dressing don’t need help. You ought to spread awareness of crushed nuts. Not too many folks know bout that.

PAULIE:
Crushed nuts? What’s that?

Lance KNEES him in the crotch. Paulie drops.

LANCE:
Now you’re aware!

MR. TREBLE:
That’s my boy!

The two walk off stage as the audience claps!

CAREY:
Isn’t it great? Up next we have a couple going through some trouble. She has a foot fetish. He lost the lower half of his fighting for our freedoms overseas. Should they stay together? Can you love someone when they’re only half a person? Stay tuned.

How To Stand In An Elevator When A Man Farts

You walk in the elevator and press your floor number. It’s a few floors up. You prepare yourself for some self reflection. Or you start send out a morning text to the bae with two smiley faces. Cause she’s worth that.

Then elevator stops on the second floor. And it’s him. You know this guy. You’ve had many awkward elevator rides with him. A man with more width than height. More years behind him than ahead. You’ve greeted him a few times and only got a miserable mumble back.

Today starts the same. You flash a small smile. He presses the button for the third floor. He manages to eek out a sound that’s as close to hello as you’re going to get from him.

And then he eeks it out. A force you did not expect to deal with at seven o’ clock in the morning. A force that will have you taking the stairs from that day on.

Loud. Like a car revving in a swamp. Long. For what seems to be hours, it goes on. You can’t stop it once it’s begun, only hope you can bear the pain. It ends wet. You can try to cover your nose, but you’ll never be quick enough. It shoves itself right up your nostrils.

Don’t bother trying to ask him about what he could have possibly eaten for breakfast to concoct this olfactory violation. He’ll avoid eye contact and get off shortly after his butt burst.

Do not let this get to you. You need to contain your rage. It’s unfair that your eyes may be watering , but let it go. Your co-workers don’t deserve the bad mood you’ll be in if you dwell on this.

Focus on a memory, bad or good. Make it a strong one. One that will take you away from the elevator until the doors open and you’re free. The fate of your day is in your hands. It’s on you if you want to have a bad one.

My American Dream

(Written in April 2009)

This year I will graduate high school and head on to college. I have a variety of options set in front of me. I could be a doctor or join the military. Many people do not plan this out and simply remain stagnant in their lives. They are the same as the day they graduated from high school.

They have no ambitions. I see them all the time. They simply glide through life. They accomplish nothing and let their dreams go to waste. I will not become one of these people. My American dream is a simple and attainable one if I work at it. I want to be a successful attorney.

My short term goal is to obtain my Juris Doctorate and become a criminal justice attorney. An attorney is a person who ensures that justice is carried. It’s not who you arrested, but how. If an arrest is not made properly, then the system is corrupt. Justice must be fair and just. I know that attending Criminology classes at my college will change my perception of right and wrong for the better.

I plan to get my bachelor’s degree as quickly as possible. The bachelor’s degree is my primary objective for the next 4 years. If I fail to get my bachelor’s degree, my American dream cannot come true. The fruits of my labor will be twice as sweet when I gain my Juris Doctorate a few years later.

I used to dream of being married and having kids, but now I realize that to be something I cannot control. If it was a part of my American dream, I would not have a successful marriage. I would not view my wife as a person, but more as a trophy I gained along the way.

Marriage is not something a person should plan to happen when they are younger. You can never plan for love. Love is a construct which no one truly understands no matter how much they want. I’d like to have a wife and kids, but it is not my primary intention.

The American dream has taken many shapes and forms since its conception. It’s a shame that majority of Contemporary Americans don’t believe that it is attainable anymore. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is still alive today in America even with the recent economic downturn. I won’t let something like that interfere with goals and objectives.

People who are so easily put off their dreams never really wanted to obtain them. They allow their dreams to remain in their imagination.

I plan on turning mine in a reality. If a black man can be president, then anything is possible.

Never Give Up.

tragedy and pain