“Most people waste their youth wishing they were dead and then waste the rest of their lives wishing they were young again. But I will never end up like that. Wishing I was young instead of dead”
-Dominic Owen Mallary (1984-2008)
What of he who belongs nowhere?
Not to any creed, nor any faith?
Not to his companions nor his country?
Not even to his own kin?
Not by his own doing.
A rejected creature.
And how did he come to be?
Is he a defect?
A broken creation?
Or an unsightly mutation?
It isn’t known.
And what is to become of him?
Have he not a home?
No. Forever a stranger to the world.
Should we pity the beast? Or put it out of its misery?
There would be no commemoration for the man, no photographs of him would be placed in campus pamphlets, no plaques would be made for him, no buildings named after him. The degree would be handed off and his parents would scream in delight, but the man would stand there and look off into the distance with a distinct look of emptiness and disappointment.
I grow tired and dreary, of her I grow weary
Hours upon hours of this tremendous snore.
The never ending yapping, the incessant chatting
Oh the incessant chatting, chatting I hear through my open door
‘She’ll leave soon,’ I mutter “Right through the front door”
but this is only a mutter and nothing more.
She remains here for evermore.
You can throw words at it. You can try to explain it away but you never get close enough. You try to use your best analogies but language fails you. You can say it’s like a burning sensation in your chest. Or a euphoric feeling that fills the body. But that just doesn’t seem right.
You can look up what scientists have said about it. They say it’s just a chemical in the brain, but that doesn’t help you gain any further understanding. You lie to yourself and say you understand it now. But you know you don’t.
You can try to read what other people have said but it never seems quite the same once it happens to you. It’s different for everyone. Sometimes you expect it. Other times it just hits you in the face and you’re stuck with it.
You try to figure out what it takes to satisfy this. Is it an urge? Is it just something that passes by? Is it wrong? Should it go away? Sometimes you need it to go away but it doesn’t. And other times it disappears when you weren’t paying attention.
You hate yourself for it when you need it gone. You see yourself as weak. You can’t get this monkey off your back. Is it an obsession? Do you need help? But nobody can help you. It’s different for everyone.
You lie to yourself and say that it is gone or that you never had it. You put on an act to convince yourself. You say it was never there or you misunderstood your feelings. It just sits there simmering in you waiting to pop out.
You either give in or torture yourself. You’ll regret not giving in. You’ll regret giving in. It seems impossible to win.
But what is it? A chemical? A word you should say with caution? A reason to make big mistakes? Just what is this thing?
I’ll never understand.
People say you must have honor in life. What is honor though?
Honor can be defined as distinction, approval, respect
and perhaps as a promise
that one makes to themselves or to others.
It is said that you must honor your marriage vows
The truth is nobody really knows what honor is.
For all you know, I could be honor.
I respect my identity
and my unblemished work
People approve the direction my life is taking
and the success that comes my way.
Nothing in this world can
shatter this will of determination and diligence that I’ve created. All the distinctions
that I have earned, are online, preserved
for future generations to see. I know
my future is as bright as a lit match in a dim cave. Or even the surface of the Sun.
Nothing will ever be enough for me. I want fame and fortune. Honor
is not enough to satisfy the greed
that coats the insides of my heart. I crave. I desire. I want.
With each of its beats, I feel my desires flow
into my veins. They motivate me to expand
the depth of my honor. Even an honorable man
like myself is fueled by greed at times
Honor and Greed seem to be opposites in our society.
The truth is Greed and Honor are not mutually exclusive.
There is honor among thieves after all. Greed is something that we are born with
and must deal with before it consumes us.
Nobody is born with honor. You have to earn it,
but unlike other things in life, you can cultivate
your own honor until it is enough.
to save the world, except the honor will
only be yours because you define it
and desire it.
Honor is nothing more than a word.