The gift that keeps on…

I am an awful gift giver. I’ve never gotten my mom anything for mother’s day unless she complained the entire day and forced me too. I used to get cards when my parent (the one who wasn’t getting a gift) gave me like ten bucks. Once I got older, they expected me to get them gifts and cards. And I was awful at it.

I couldn’t even give my best friend a good gift for all her birthday parties she invited me with. I once wanted to give her this game I had got called Tales of Symphonia (pretty good game). I put it in a bag and I went off to the party. Then about 3 to 4 hours later, I would leave the party, get back home, and realize I still had the gift.

This happened like two years in a row. I always felt so bad so I would just play the game afterwards in some way rectifying it.

I haven’t gotten my parents any gifts for Christmas in years nor have I even tried to give them anything for their birthday. My mom tells me that because of my attitude I won’t get anything for my birthday.

Then she takes me out for dinner every time.

I never feel that bad though. I say “happy birthday” to them and I try not to bother too much. I don’t like the idea of a physical gift or even a card. It’s just a traditional thing that people expect to get. I feel like it just mean as much. I don’t expect to get gifts from people on special days. An acknowledgement of my birthday is nice but it wouldn’t be the end of the world if nobody said anything.

I do feel bad for my parents. It pains me to do inauthentic things like give gifts when I don’t really want to. They expect these things and are disappointed. It probably part of the major rift between us.

I know some people would say to just do it for the sake of the relationship. Do it to make them feel better.

I just can’t. It violates something in me. I feel horrible when I do gestures without meaning it.

Soon enough…

I can hear the beats of the drum. I can hear the footsteps. I can hear Tragedy making its way toward me. Who will it be? How long until it happens? I can’t say.

I’ve lived my life without going through major trauma. Three of my four grand parents are dead, but I never knew any of them. A cousin of mine passed away about 3 years ago in a car accident, but I didn’t know him that well either. I have yet to have the strength of my will tested. I have yet to have everything shaken up. I have yet to be thrust in the true cold reality of adulthood.

What will it be? Will 0ne of my friends end up in a serious car accident? The chances are high. I know a lot of people.  One of them is bound to end up in one. I’ve had friends who have had Fate take things away from them or put through horrible ordeals. The worst pain I’ve gone through is having my wisdom teeth removed and having the medication not work at all. That’s nothing.  There’s people out there that have their own children die in front of them. That’s true pain. That’s tragedy

Death is coming, but who will it be? Who will it swallow up that I know first? Will they die of a heart attack? Maybe it’ll be an accident.

If everything goes right and everyone I know makes it to a healthy old age, I still have to endure the future deaths of my parents.  I have to weather the storm of losing two people who have been with from the beginning. Will I be able to endure? I’ll see how strong my will really is.

Who knows what tragedies await me and you in the future? It’s sad to think of what could happen to us in the end.  As we move from the blissful ignorance of youth and we slowly realize the world could gobble us up any day. What pain will the next day? When is the next time I’ll see my true strength?

You can’t let this creeping Tragedy bother you however. You’ve got to keep on going with your everyday life. Because if you worry and fret about it all the time, you’re already dead.