ALBERTVILLE, AL – A five-week-old embryo took a brief moment from his busy schedule of multiplying cells and forming his heart tube to share his joy over Alabama’s controversial abortion law. The new law bans abortion except in the cases where it threatens the mother’s life. “One less thing to worry about in here. Now I can sit back, enjoy my water-sac, and develop my bottom jaw without any stress,” he told reporters during a sit-down interview. “I have to tell you I was nervous. She was saying she wasn’t ready to be a mom and Googling nearby clinics. Well, mom, ready or not, here I come!” he said, before attempting to laugh out of the blob thing that will one day be his mouth. He expressed that he would be happy to see Roe v. Wade overturned one day. “Between me and you, Roe V. Wade made for some tough times for us embryos. Not my favorite Supreme Court ruling, I tell ya.” When questioned about what he was looking forward to most about being born, he said eating ice cream. “Mom just adores ice cream. I get a nibble here and there through the placenta. It’ll be great to taste it with an actual mouth.” His mother refused to give any comments as she was too busy looking at Google Map directions to New York City.
I am of voting age for this presidential election. I missed out on 2008 by a couple of months, so this will be the first time I use my right to vote. I could have used it in one of those lesser elections, but that’s for losers. Real Americans only vote in the grandest of all elections, the presidential election. I know that the presidential candidates are looking for ways to get people to vote for them. Some will try to make the other opponent look bad. Others will cheat on their wife during their campaign. They’re all trying to get that edge so it can be them in the White House.
Obama. Romney. I know you’re reading this so I’ll make this simple. I have a short and very reasonable list of demands that must be met to ensure my vote. Everything on the list must be given to me. There is no wiggle room. And don’t try to get a lawyer to finickle and change it so I don’t get my way. You won’t get my vote if you pull that stuff.
1. The forgiving of my student loan
I’m not asking you to forgive everybody. That’s crazy talk. They got themselves into debt and they have to deal with it. I, on the other hand, really shouldn’t have to go through with this messy business. Interest rates and other hoobla. It’s all so confusing. It’s also a lot of money. Over $80,000 dollars? How am I ever supposed to pay this back? Get a job as a journalist? Ha! And I was tricked into signing away my life. My parents said it would be worth it to better myself. I didn’t know it cost that much to better myself. I know you two are both rich. You’re getting plenty of money especially Obama. I’ve read all about those gay Hollywood people giving you oodles of cash. You can pay this off easy. It’s a win-win situation for everyone.
2. New Prohibition
We all know alcohol is the root of all evil. It’s been documented and researched extensively. If alcohol didn’t have such a hold on our culture, the world would be a much better place to live in. I also know however that it makes plenty of cash so we can’t just outright ban it across the nation again. So I have a great solution. Just ban alcohol within fifty miles of me. Every liquor store within the fifty mile radius must close down. If I see someone drinking alcohol, they should be enclosed in a barrel with a pissed on monkey, a smelly and angry dog, and a fiscally conservative snake. That barrel should then be thrown into the ocean. If I hear a story about how someone got drunk and did something stupid, the story teller should be beaten with a bat, tasered and then shot out of a cannon into the sun. Or a nearby volcano. It doesn’t matter. You can use whichever is more cost effective and eco-friendly. I also want my television programs to have all alcohol related advertisements removed.
Also extend this to recreational drugs like pot, cocaine, etc. We may not be able to stop people everywhere from using them. But we can stop them from using and talking about them around me.
3. Get rid of the american flag
I’m tired of stupid people putting it on everything. Hats. Posters. Shirts. It’s dumb. I’m sick of this flag. It annoys me. Just get rid of our flag so I never have to see it again. A national anthem is more than enough patriotism.
4. A personal food protector.
I don’t tip at restaurants. My food is constantly in danger of being spit in because of this. This may surprise you but people get really pissed over not getting two dollars. This is scary. I have to regularly check my food for spit and other foreign materials. I have yet to find anything so far, but the fear remains. I want a trustworthy man who will follow the waiter to the back to make sure that nothing happens to my food on its way to my belly. He must be incorruptible to ensure he can’t be paid off. He must be able to become more than a man. He must be able to become a legend. A protector. A Food Protector.
5. A Cake
This cake should be a cinnamon ice cream cake with a picture of my face on it. It should be covered in rainbow sprinkles, twix pieces, and hot fudge.
6. Spectacular Spider-Man gets a third season
It was the best Spider-man cartoon. It was one of the best cartoons in the last ten years. You can’t just cancel that. The ending was too open. Fuck that shit. Bring it back!
7. Find that Kid who stole my Pokemon Silver
He’s ten years older now so he’s an adult, but I don’t care. Find this person. He lied. He didn’t know how to fix the battery problem. He didn’t just keep forgetting to bring it to church. I want him found and thrown into the nearest den of hungry lions even if he still has the game. He lied to me. And that’s unforgivable.
8. The destruction of the game industry
Mr. Romney and Mr.Obama, did you watch E3? Did you see the absolute shit that they are trying to say are video games now? The industry is already dead on the inside. We’re doing it a favor by ending it. This will end a lot of jobs, but we all know it’s needed. Stop the pain. I suggest
9. Bring Michael Jackson Back for a Concert
I don’t want a hologram. I don’t want an impersonator. I’ll know if you try to pull anything. I want the real Michael Jackson! It’s not fair that now that I’m an adult and able to buy things like concert tickets that he’s dead. A zombie Michael Jackson would be fine, especially if you get him to look exactly like he did in Thriller.
10. End Hunger in Africa
These poor bastards have been starving for years. Give them some food already! I was told when I was in third grade that people were starving in Africa! They’re still starving. Do you know how much food I see thrown out by people because they’re full? Just scrounge up that food and shit it over there. Just make it Africa and nowhere else. They’ve suffered long enough and deserve some privileging.
11. The ability to add to this list later on
I can’t think of anything else now but down the line, I might want something. Maybe I’ll want people who tells dumb drunk stories tossed into a piranha infested pool instead of shot out of a cannon into the sun. Who knows what could happen? I’ll cover my bases now and just add this to the list
Good luck to whichever candidate can get in contact with me first so we can further discuss this list and how long it’s going to take for me to get everything I want.