Flash On.

“Just so you know, those camo pants clash with that shirt.”

This girl in ninth grade said this to me. She was mistaken. My clothes weren’t supposed to match. I wanted to wear camo pants to feel like I was in the army. I had a blue shirt so I could be as calm as a clear blue sky.

She should have minded her business.

I’m not a fashion person. I know the dos and don’t because there was a few months where I was doing research for an unoriginal rip-off The Devil Wears Prada I was going to write. I had to come up with wardrobes for all the characters. It was an enjoyable nightmare. I might go back to that script someday.

I have a philosophy about what clothes I buy. I find the most generic bland forgettable cheap clothing and wear them until they are worn out. It’s much easier to get away with not tipping when you’re forgettable.

I also buy clothes to support bands and shows that I’m into. I wear wrestling shirts occasionally as bait to find wrestling fans. It’s worked out pretty well. I was mobbed by people in Summer 2011 when I wore my CM Punk Best in the World shirt.

And I always make sure to buy the most obnoxiousness straight edge shirts.

Like this one.

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This shirt is hilarious to me. My best buddy once told me that it’s fine to be straight edge just don’t throw it in people’s faces and be a jerk. U bought this shirt with him in mind. This shirt is throwing straight edge in people’s faces. I think it’s hilarious. Just the word over and over again then in red font in the middle.

I’ve been looking for a straight edge shirt to top this. It might end up being this one here.

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But this might be funny to other people and not just me. And I don’t know if I want that.

How to get away without tipping.

In my life, I’ve picked up a particular set of skills. These skills allow me to pay only for what I eat when I go out and nothing more. Continue reading if you wish to follow in my footsteps, down the dark path of a person who doesn’t tip at restaurants. It’s not a path for those with a weak heart. People may not like you for it, but you’ll be a few dollars richer.

The first thing a person who doesn’t want to tip needs to do is figure out how to not leave an impression on a waiter. If you are eating alone, you are at your most vulnerable. If a waiter remembers you, you are in trouble. They could get bitter and mess with your food because you didn’t leave a tip. Waiters take that dollar or two extremely seriously. You want to be as bland and forgettable as possible. You don’t want Ted the waiter to hock a loogie in your hamburger.

If you have a distinctive tattoo, cover it up. Take out your crazy piercings. Try to fit in. Mentally imagine yourself as a drop of water in a large pool once you walk in the doors of a restaurant. Shed your individuality.  Don’t stand out. Become a sheep. This is key. If you can master this, you can repeatedly go to the same place and not leave a tip. Your food will not be spit in and you’ll keep all your money. Alternatively if you cannot shed your individuality, rotate the restaurants you visit on a monthly basis. You’ll be forgotten eventually.

When not eating alone, you can run into major obstacles. You’d think that it’d be easier to get away with not tipping in a group. It actually can be quite difficult. One major tip of mine is to ask to split the check. If you pay with everyone, people will notice you not tipping. You don’t want that. So when you get your bill, get up and pay as soon as possible.

When eating with a group of people, you need to keep an eye out for a certain type of person. The person I’m describing believes themselves to be the champion of the waiters. They tip big and ask everyone whether they put in their tip or not. There is a scientific term for this type of person. “Asshole Who Doesn’t Mind His Business”

These people will try to make you feel bad for not tipping.

“The waiters don’t even get paid minimum wage!” or “They have to stand and work hard!”

Don’t fall for their sob stories. You are not the waiter’s employer. You are a customer. Their pay is not your concern. Stay strong. Hold on to your dollars. You need the money. Tipping is optional. Never forget that. That should be your motto.

Dealing with those types of people isn’t easy. They can really get in your face and demand your tip. They’ll try to make you look like a bad guy in front of everyone. If this happens, take a deep breathe. You have several options.

You can lie and say you don’t have any change. Most people will leave you alone. If they ask you to make change at the register or accuse you of lying, it’s time to be a jerk. You tell them to their face that you do not tip and that they should worry about their own money. People dislike confrontation so I doubt it will ever come to this. Always be prepared for the worst.

A better option is to go to the bathroom when people are starting to put in their tips. Drink a lot of water during your meal so people aren’t suspicious when you get up to leave as soon as the bill comes. Take a few extra minutes to dry your hands. By the time you get back, everyone will have forgotten you didn’t put in your tip.

The most controversial option is to put down your tip and take it back later. It’s devastating to your reputation if you are seen doing this. I haven’t done this, so further research is needed on this option. I advise you to exhaust all other options before doing this.

Some places do have mandatory gratuity. I  have yet to visit one of these places. I suggest avoiding these places at all costs. If you cannot, I suppose you could pay and then run away before being hassled for the tip.

If people find out and ask you why you don’t tip. Don’t fret. Just tell them.

“It’s my money. I worked hard and I’ll use it as I see fit.” That should get anyone off your back because it’s true.

Good luck to all of you non-tippers. I hope you’ll be able to make your wallets 15% more heavy.

People who tip are hypocrites.

You wouldn’t tip your doctor. You wouldn’t tip your surgeon. You wouldn’t tip your dentist. You wouldn’t tip your plumber.

You wouldn’t tip your Fed Ex Package Handler. You don’t tip your cashier. You wouldn’t even tip the cook who made the food.

You never look at your electric bill and say “Oh wow. I better add 15% because they deserve it for giving me good service.”

I spoke before about how tipping is ruined by society. What was once a customary thank you has become forced.

I’ve heard people walk away from bad service and say “Ha. I only gave him 10% tip.”

You shouldn’t give him any tip at all.

Now I’ve heard stuff like “But then he or she won’t get paid as much.”

Since when was that the customer’s problem? I don’t give a shit how much a person is being paid to bring me out food.

Don’t like the pay? Get a new job, dipshit.

Another argument I hear is “They stand all day.”

There are harder jobs than being a waiter like being the guy who has to clean out a porta-potty.I don’t see people leaving one dollar bills after leaving a steaming pile of crap.

I know you hypocrites don’t send fucking money to sweatshops for all the underpaid workers making the shoes you walk on.

This is a new form of hypocrisy. I shall deem it Tipocrisy.

You tipocrites are ruining the food industry. You’re creating waiters who will spit in the food of people who don’t tip. They won’t give as good service to someone who doesn’t tip as high as someone else.

It’s time for this to end. I want to enjoy my food without having to taste a loogie the waiter because I didn’t put down an extra five.

Also think about waiters in countries where they don’t tip. They don’t get paid as much. Anybody who’s taken a business class knows that by tipping, you’re destroying the economy. Tippers are the reason that we’re in debt today!

Be Smart. Think of others and don’t tip your waiter.