101 Ways to Live Life

This list not by me, but damn do I wish it was.

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”

3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Daaaa Dit Dit Daaa Dit…”

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X – BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

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Looking Deeper into The Dark Knight Rises

[Spoiler Alert]

Last Saturday I watched The Dark Knight Rises, the concluding chapter of Nolan’s trilogy. The movie was painful for Batman. He watched everything he had built over the past two movies destroyed at the hands of Bane and the League of Shadows. His arsenal was stolen. His money was taken away. His back was broken. And then the criminals that he had sent to prison were released as Gotham was cut off from the world. The stakes were raised and Bruce underwent some major character development to bring closure to the franchise.

As soon as the movie ended, I felt that something was missing. The Dark Knight Rises is a decent movie. It’s just missing something to make it into a great movie. More than just one thing. Today I watched one of my favorite Batman movies, Mask of Phantasm to try and figure out just what was missing from The Dark Knight Rises.

It quickly became apparent to me the things that I didn’t find made sense in The Dark Knight Rises as I finished Mask of Phantasm. There were a lot of things but I’ll just mention one major thing.

  • Motivation

There are parts in The Dark Knight Rises where the characters do things that just puzzle me.

Bane

The villain of the film is Bane or so we’re led to believe for the majority of the film. Miranda Tate turns out to Talia Al Ghul who Bane is working for. Talia want revenge because Batman let her father die in the first movie. Bane is just a pawn in her scheme. The movie does a switcheroo in the last couple of minutes. It leads the audience to believe it was Bane who escaped from the pit and not Talia. Bane who was born in the darkness. Then it turns out that is not true. It’s Talia who escaped the pit. Bane was her protector in the pit. After Talia is revealed, Bane’s motivations become a mystery.

Talia’s plan involved them blowing up with Gotham to just torture Bruce Wayne. Why would Bane want to die when they could easily escape? He had no quarrel dying for Talia nor taking a beating for her in the pit. What is his motivation? What does he stand to gain from the plan? Ra’s Al Ghul cast Bane out of the League of Shadows. Why would Bane want to die just to torture his killer? I thought he and Talia became lovers but before she leaves him to fight Batman, she refers to him as a friend. Is he willing to die for a friend when they can both easily survive and complete their plan anyway? I really felt like there was a missing segment to the movie that was supposed to explain why Bane was doing everything he did. Is he just the best friend ever? Did I missing something?

The Mask of Phantasm also does a switcheroo at the end. The audience is led to believe that Andrea’s father was the Phantasm. Then it’s revealed later that it’s Andrea herself. She is taking revenge for her father’s death. There’s a scene that explains her motivation. This is missing from The Dark Knight Rises.

Miranda Tate/Talia

  What was the point of Talia giving Gotham five months and then blowing it up? If she was just blowing it up, then why not just do it from the start? Did she want Batman to escape and try to stop her? I thought she was getting revenge on him. I can understand her wanting Batman to watch his city collapse from a television screen. Five months is a long time for that.

I also don’t get why she had sex with her father’s murderer. If she was so angry to make a plan that took years to set into motion, why did she feel the need to have sex with him? He already trusted her with his big company. She came onto him. Did she want him to fall in love with her? Did she just find him really attractive? I could understand if Bruce was still on the fence and not wanting to give her the location of the fusion reactor so she tries to use her allure to get closer. But he already gave her all that she needed from him. I was a bit confused about this after the reveal at the end with her being Talia.
In the Mask Of Phantasm, the main antagonist shares passionate moments with Batman because she still loves him. It makes sense that she does this because of love and all. But Talia has nothing to gain from sexing her father’s murderer. It’s puzzling.

This was also this one cop who refused to listen to Commissioner Gordon in the beginning of the movie. Gordon was shot and two other cops were dead yet he refuses to believe Gordon’s story about some guys in the underground. Why was he so stupid? Why wouldn’t he investigate it?

There’s a scene where Bane reveals to everyone that Commissioner Gordon and Batman lied about Harvey Dent. John Blake’s character inexplicably gets angry at Gordon for lying. He has no problem earlier in the movie talking with Bruce Wayne about it. He requests Batman returns. But now he’s all mad at Gordon for lying to keep criminals in jail.

I had some other problems with the movie, there’s one other thing that really pisses me off.

Why did they leave out Batman returning to Gotham from the pit? He goes from halfway across the world with no resources to Gotham off-screen. Why? I would rather have seen how he accomplished that instead of the opening scene with the planes.

I hate The Joker.

Ever since the Dark Knight came out, everyone out there is trying to be like the Joker. They use playing cards and chattering teeth.  They commit crimes while quoting the movie! It’s asinine! The movie is almost four years old and crooks out there are still acting like this nimrod. I’ve never been a fan of the Joker. He’s not marvelous like people want you to think.

The Clown Prince of Crime is one of the biggest disgraces in all of villainy. For all his jokes, murders, and “maniacal” laughs, he’s a bad villain. When I say bad, I don’t mean bad like Michael Jackson but bad like the Super Mario Brothers movie .He gets caught all the time! How can people worship this ineffectual buffoon? Batman catches his dumb ass again and again. The Joker is only able to do what he does because Batman is an idiot and doesn’t just kill him. And the city of Gotham’s justice system for some reason, won’t put this waste of space to death. He’s not crazy. Believe me. I know crazy.

What this baboon does isn’t even that great when you really get to it.

The beginning of the Dark Knight is so highly praised. I’m still getting e-mails from some of my buddies about how we have to do something just like that. I almost vomited when I watched the opening scene. An overly complicated bank heist where he “cleverly” tricks some dumb henchmen into betraying each other so he can make off with the money. What bullocks! No villain would ever do a job with some crazy clown known for pulling stuff like that. After that heist, he would never be able to pull another job. Nobody would work with him. It’s unrealistic! Even if he was offering cash, who’s going to work for a guy who shoots his own coworkers? You’re better off robbing the liquor store down the street for money than working with this guy. That’s what any person with a functioning brain would do.

And don’t get me started on his purple suit and clown make up. I know some guys out there need a gimmick to make them stand out. But clown? Clown? What the hell kind of gimmick is that? Oooh! Look at me! I laugh and tell jokes! Oooh! I’ll make a pencil disappear!

Please. Spare me.

What ever happened to just getting the job done? Is that so hard? This clown guy would have been shot in the face the first time he tried to hold up a gas station. He’d get popped right in the face the second he tried to tell someone how he got those scars.

The Joker is so bad as a villain that I was cheering Batman. Cheering for the hero!

Now there’s this new guy in the next movie called Bane. Judging from the leaked video I saw online, there’s going to be crooks out there soon mumbling and wearing stupid masks. Why can’t Hollywood end this love affair with with Batman! He has no good villains!

I’d love to see a movie with Darkseid in it. Now there’s a true villain.

Until next time my loves!

Gamers are Grade A suckers!

I’m convinced they are the biggest suckers in the entire consumer industry. Ed, Edd, N Eddy should have went into the video game business, they’d be living in a town made of jaw breakers!

The video game industry is making oodles of cash. So much fucking money. More than the movie industry.

Why are gamers suckers?

Exhibit A: Defending the prevalence of locked out content in today’s gaming industry.

I remember back when I was a kid. You played a game and there were this thing

What was it called again? Oh yeah. Unlockable content. You beat the game or did some special mission, and wham bam. You could play as Spider-man wearing a paperbag over his head. Sham Zam! You could unlock Fred Durst. You didn’t have to buy it at a special place during the first week the game came out.

It was in the game already. Now? Your ass better make sure to preorder it at Gamestop. Of course then you won’t be able to get the costume at Amazon. Or the exclusive UK costume. Content you can never have. Is whiny to complain about two costumes? For 60 dollars, they better be jam packing these games to the brim with content.

I hear gamers say that developers need to do this to entice first day purchases. Whatever happened to including a booklet? Or a special figure? Too expensive? When your industry makes so much damn money, you really have to scrap for that preorder bonus money? Or the cash you get when people end up having to buy it when you release it later. The suckers who don’t release it was done and available on the same day as the game but was left out intentionally.

The worst are the dummyheads who buy map packs. Psst. Hey. You. Yes. You. Stop it. Cut it out now. $15 for a couple maps? Why are you such a sucker?

The thing I hate is that years from now all these games with locked out content that you have to download an unlock key will one day have those servers go down. Content forever lost because of the greedy fucks and the sucker consumers who just gobble it up.

Exhibit B: Giving up Consumer Rights

You know how you can sell a car after you buy it? You can sell a fork after you buy it? You can sell a book after you read it? You can sell a movie after you’ve watched it? Well the game industry wants a piece of that cut when it comes to selling used video games.

And people think they deserve it? What class A suckers!! They believe that you only own the license to play one of their games and thus they deserve a cut.

Only in the game industry because gamers just sit back and let the companies push their shit in!

Oh God? New Call of Duty! 60 bucks? Xbox Live went up? Who cares? Just take my money. What’s that? If I buy it used, I can’t get all the content? Who cares I don’t buy it used, I love you forever. Hmm? You want it to be so that once I play a game disc, it can never be played again? Sure. I only play games once.

Such Suckers.