Jeffrey Epstein’s cause of death was totally a suicide, says sweaty nervous medical examiner.

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(CNM) – Jeffrey Epstein’s cause of death was definitely a suicide. No funny business to be found here, the New York City Office of the Chief Medical Examiner said Friday, wiping sweat from his forehead and looking for approval from the men in suits seated in front of him.

Epstein was found dead in his cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center, awaiting trial for sex crimes. Multiple breaks in Epstein’s neck and serious irregularities at the facility where Epstein was kept led to questions surrounding his death. The medical examiner assured everyone there was nothing fishy about it.

“This man killed himself. It’s plain and simple,” the medical examiner said at a press conference, gazing at the rooftop snipers located a few hundred feet away. “Everything checks out. Did you see the charges he was facing? Who wouldn’t kill themselves if they were facing that? ”

It was previously reported that the two guards assigned to Epstein had failed to check on him for three hours. The medical examiner stated that did not matter.

“My autopsy revealed those men did their jobs properly and shouldn’t be questioned about anything. Mr. Epstein was a very sad depressed man. He committed suicide,” the medical examiner said, reading off a piece of paper handed to him by a man in a suit.

Epstein’s attorneys have said they will conduct their own investigation which the medical examiner stated was not necessary. He ended the press conference begging people to believe him and to tell his family that he loved them very much.

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