Love wins! Fatality!

Finally marriage equality has come to America! Now too can the queer folk march down the aisle.

Fifteen-year-old me would have loved this. But I am saddened by this.

I had hoped that keeping marriage out of the reach of gay people would eventually lead to a discussion on the current state of marriage and why it even continues to exist.

The questions being asked by most people on the side of marriage equality was “Why can’t gays get married too? What’s wrong with love between two men or two women? ”

When it really should have been “Why does the government have their hand in marriage in the first place? Why are they getting to dictate who can marry who in the first place? Why are there privileges to being married over not?

So this was the last chance to get a look at marriage and why it exists. Unfortunately the easier route was taken. Everyone is placated in celebration so the further look into marriage will not happen.

Hopefully someone tries to marry a dolphin in the future to get us back onto the subject of marriage.

I suppose it is good for gay youth growing up. Now they can feel like their love is as accepted as everyone else’s. So that is one thing I can accept as a victory. That’s cool for them.

But what is next?

The next slip on the slope for people who idolize the past and wish things could go back to how they were.

The next step in progress for people trying to change the world and make life better for people they sympathize with.

There will be more change.

I don’t think it will be for the better like a lot of my peers claim. Nor will it be for the worse like some older people say.

The world will continue to be shit. We’re just spinning around in a circle, pretending we’re going somewhere.

All the problems we say exist we made them all up. They were not here before people decided they were. We’re the only creatures on this planet concerned with progress and slippery slopes.

Dogs don’t give a fuck about rights. House flies don’t live long enough to care who can love who. Lions do not care if they’re properly portrayed in the media. No creature ever had to worry about being in debt to someone before we showed up and said that was a thing.

None of this shit actually matters. We just say it does. It was a cycle of shit before we got here and it’ll be a cycle of shit after we go.

It’s all bullshit! However just because life is meaningless doesn’t mean we can’t have fun while we’re here!

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[ File # csp11681771, License # 2614053 ]
Licensed through http://www.canstockphoto.com in accordance with the End User License Agreement (http://www.canstockphoto.com/legal.php)
(c) Can Stock Photo Inc. / yayayoyo

Or Worse.

I’m always drawn to darker topics. I try to read more positive things, but there’s just nothing all that interesting about good deeds or uplifting stories. Some guy saves a cat in a tree. It’s cute and all but what else is there to it? Some cat mauls a guy. Why did that happen? How is he recovering? Will he ever trust a cat again? What happened to the cat? Why did it attack? What is the history of cats attacking people? There’s much more there.

I had a fascination with last words for about a month. I had to come to the point in a story where I was killing off a character. I had to decide what his last words would be. I had an entire death speech written out. But then I wondered if that was realistic. What are people’s last words? I read a lot of material on the last words of people; suicide notes, airplane crash black box transcripts, emergency room help stories, cancer patient blogs. I made sure to include of various ages. I read the last words of children who didn’t quite understand what death was, the words elderly who were often prepared for it, and then the middle-aged who didn’t see it coming. There would be fear in people’s writings or messages to their family. Some people raved, begging and screaming for more time. I found those suited the character I was writing so that was the death I gave him.

Now my current fascination is divorce. I don’t know what has brought this up. None of my friends are getting divorced. I just love reading articles about what causes marriages to fail and reading the stories of people fighting an uphill battle to keep their marriages together.

A successful marriage takes two people. A successful divorce only needs one. Isn’t that funny? You can get down on your knees in front of your friend and family, then back out of what you said. Not that I advocate people staying in bad relationships. I’m not against divorce. I just think it’s funny that a person can promise their life to another for better or worse but once worse comes, they can just wash their hands of it.

After a divorce, a person has to recover their identity outside the marriage. For years they did everything with their partner in mind. They bought a house together. They might have taken a job that better fit their relationship. They were like flesh and blood. Now it’s torn asunder. They are not the same person that went into that marriage. They have to redefine themselves.

I read a lot about people feeling like they can breath again. They’re free from a bad environment that was making them miserable.

Another fascinating thing about divorce is how alarmingly high the rate of it is. It isn’t the fifty percent that’s been tossed around since the seventies. I believe around twenty-five to thirty percent of first time marriages end in divorce. So about a third of people were dead wrong when they picked their partner. What is the cause of this? Were issues ignored? How many of these people were rushed into marriage by their families? Did they quit too early? Did they just see marriage as a logical next step and didn’t realize the work that had to be put in? Did they find someone that they loved more?

Or was it irreconcilable differences?

No one is at fault. It was just two people who tried and there was no way to make it work. They’re only human after all. There are people who blame themselves for the failing of the marriage. They carry that weight and it hangs over their future connections. They can’t escape that failure. They made a vow that they couldn’t keep. How can they make the promise to someone else?

I’m hoping my next fascination will be something a bit more upbeat. Last year I was all about barren women and how they’ve been treated throughout history. It has not been good for them. Before that it was missing people who were never found. Are they still out there? I do find myself drifting towards the never-ending cycle of poverty. Why can’t you just throw money at that problem?

Divorce
Divorce

Beauty.

Celebrity worship is one of the easiest things a person can aptly criticize society for. You’ll never be wrong if you point it. There are always more important topics that deserve our attention than the latest outing of Miley Cyrus or the condition of Renee Zellwegger’s face. But still these sort of people get 24/7 coverage and are mauled as they leave restaurants. The demand is there. We want to know more. Who is Justin Bieber dating? Is Jennifer Lawrence really that goofy or is it all an act? Why can’t Amanda Bynes get her life together?

What is it about these people that makes us so curious?

They look good. They won the genetic lottery. Their faces are more symmetrical than the average person. They’re more charismatic. They are beautiful!

We love them for it. We shovel money at them. We love to give them money. Beautiful people can get rich just by looking good and walking down the street. We give them love. People send hundreds of love letters to celebrities. Some take it a bit too far. They get so enamored by their facial features that they have to follow them home and find out every little thing about them. People would buy the water that they bathe in.

And people want to emulate them. They want to look like them. They dress like them. And act like them. They’re trend-setters. Miley Cyrus and her stupid fucking video created the twerk. People still twerk to this day. Because she’s one of the beautiful people.

But what is the real value of beauty?

It doesn’t make you a better worker. It won’t make you a better father or mother. It won’t increase your intelligence. It doesn’t give you better reason. There is nothing virtuous about being beautiful.

Only in the world of love and lust does beauty reign supreme in value.

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This woman was kissed by the late Heath Ledger. He was a man like so many others. But his beauty sent this woman into shock with just the touch of his lips to hers. What a crazy power beauty has.

It makes your heart pump in your chest. You might stutter and slur your words when you encounter it. You can just be left in awe of it. It makes men destroy marriages just so they can have a taste of it. It makes smart women endure pain that no one should just so it can be theirs. It makes fools of us all.

We treat beautiful people differently. The rules do not apply to them. Celebrities get slaps on the wrist for their crimes. People trip over themselves trying to make beauty theirs and lock it down. Beautiful people are given better paying jobs. More people want them to be around.

But no one thinks any thing of it. For beauty is not to be criticized. Its treatment is not be rationalized. It is divine. We all just sit tight and worship it, hoping that it rubs off on us.

The Great Bunny Robbery: Episode Bun

And now the time has come for a story about friendship, bunnies, and the nature of man.

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And now the time has come for a story about friendship, bunnies, and the nature of man.

In South Jersey, there was a town called Eggy Township. It was as about as South Jersey as any town could be. The locals were Philadelphia sports fans and spent as much time denying the existence of Central Jersey as politicians did the existence of global warming. It was close enough to the beach that people said they cared about the on-going destruction of the shoreline, but not close enough for any of the residents to do anything about it.

There were many houses in Eggy Township. 1,269 to be exact. One of these houses had a hockey rink in the back. It was guarded by a clinically depressed lawn gnome and a cat that ran at the first sign of danger. Far around that house was a scary dark forest with critters that would freak out even the most hardened man. Inside the house lived the Tail family.

The Tail Family were a family of four, Mama Tail, Papa Tail, and two children. In the basement of the home lived their youngest child, a boy by the name of Reese Tail.

A slim young man with the spirit of stage-dives, kindness and punk in his heart. He was so tall that if he stood next to Yao Ming, he wouldn’t look that tall because he wasn’t super tall. He had the hair of an angel if angels existed. It was beautifully cut every Tuesday night by an expert team of South Jersey barbers. South Jersey barbers were world renowned for their hair cutting techniques. Reese also had a neck stronger than a young giraffe frolicking around in the Serengetti. Some might say he was the most beautiful man in the world.

Okay not some. Only one person in the world really believed he was that beautiful. And that was his fiancé/love rival/wife to be/confidant/financial partner/co-bun owner, Karyn. Reese and Karyn’s features complimented each other. Whereas Reese’s neck was stronger than a giraffe’s, Karyn had ankles of steel. Karyn had as much punk in her heart as Reese did. The color of her hair changed with the seasons. Now it was a blackish brown. Some might call it auburn. I wouldn’t.

Many of their friends speculated that Karyn would win in a fight between the two of them. Reese was favored by a small amount because he was slippery sort of guy. He’d slip his way in and out of holds. But the majority believed Karyn would whup his ass. She had a lot of tattoos and tattoos made a person tough.

Karyn was quite the tattoo enthusiast. She had tattoos of song lyrics and concert tickets. She had a glow-in-the-dark tattoo on the back of her neck. On her left elbow was her scratch-and-sniff tattoo that smelled like popcorn. Karyn loved each of her tattoos but she loved one of them the most. Her tattoo of her two adorable bunnies of the back of her left hand. This woman loved her two buns, Tempter and Siesta.

Reese was not on Karyn’s level when it came to tattoos. He had only one starter tattoo on the back of his leg. It was a disturbingly high detailed one of a rhino giving birth to Jim Carey inspired by the scene from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls. It is said by those in the know that his tattoo artist still sees that tattoo in his nightmares to this very day.

The family home’s basement was where the two resided. One could visit that basement many times and make a new discovery. Reese’s father had not a clue what lay in every nook and cranny and he had built it himself. The basement had taken on a life of its own in the years before Reese and Karyn transformed the place into their home. Voices could be heard inside the walls during the early hours of the day.

Around every corner of that basement was a picture of Jesus. If you headed down the staircase, there was the usual picture of a suffering white Jesus carrying the weight of the cross. In the corner to the right over the old Asteroid Arcade machine was a black Jesus smoking a cigar. No one knew where these pictures of Jesus came from. And they kept turning up. Each of them with tears in their eyes like they were weeping for all of humanity. In an effort to make the basement more homely, Reese and Karyn put couple pictures next to the weeping pictures of Jesus. It did not help.

Today they were saying goodbye to Reese’s great Kwame Darkwah. Kwame was as punk as they were but had no tattoos. Unless you counted the tattoo of darkness that nature had inked into his skin permanently. He was a quiet young man with the accent of his forefathers.

Kwame had come all the way down from the mythical land Central Jersey and slept over for the weekend. It had been a great time for all of them. They suffered through an old eighties horror movie that had no plot. They punked out at a hardcore concert. And then finally spent an evening contemplating whether or not Joe Dirt 2 would be worth a watch.

“Great time as always, Kwame.” said Reese.

“I hope I get to see you guys again before the wedding. How is the wedding planning going, Karyn? “Replied Kwame.

“It’s a lot of work. I can’t wait until this is over and we’re on our honey moon.” said Karyn.

“We’re traveling across the world in eight hours on a fighter jet. We’ll fly through the air at Mach Speed 2!” shouted Reese excitedly.

Kwame put his black hoodie on one arm at a time. He looked down at his cell phone and then at the two bunny cages. He and Tempter met eyes.

Tempter was a black Netherland Dwarf, the cuddliest of all bunnies in this universe. He wrinkled his cute little nose at Kwame. He seemed to speak to the young African man.

“Take me away from this place.” said Tempter with his eyes and body language.

Somehow Kwame understood the creature’s plea. Karyn and Reese didn’t notice a thing. They were too busy debating how fast the plane would have to travel to get them home and back in only eight hours. They were distracted, but Kwame needed them gone to make his move.

Tempter had to be set free from the shackles of his life. Kwame was not a religious man, but he looked to Jesus, Black Jesus in his time of need. He seemed to be the Jesus who got shit done. A miracle had to happen and it had to happen now. Tempter’s freedom depended on it.

“Reesey! Karyn! Bill’s here!” shouted down Mama Tail.

“Bill! I haven’t seen him in forever!” shouted Reese.

“I love Bill!” announced Karyn.

The two of them ran up the stairs! They tripped and pulled on each other as they made their way up. Each of them wanted to be first one to greet their very good pal, Bill.

“Thank you Black Jesus.” said Kwame.

Kwame knelled down and broke the shackles of oppression from Tempter’s cage. The bunny hopped out. He knew the drill. Freedom was at hand. The bunny wrinkled his nose.

“Thank you for freeing me. Now we are bun-buds. That bond is eternal.”

Kwame stuffed his bun bud into his hoodie. He grabbed a bunch of food pellets and shoved them in there too. He pressed his ear to the stairs. Bill, Mama Tail, Reese and Karyn were chit-chattering.

“At that speed, you guys would be liquefied!” explained Bill.

“Nu-uh!” said Reese with all the poise of a man who graduated college at the top of his class.

“Mach 3 ain’t no joke, buddy!” pressed Bill!

Their backs were to the basement door. Kwame poked it open. He became like a statue and moved only his feet. He tip-toed all the way to the front door. No one noticed a damn thing.

“We’re out of here, Tempter.” said Kwame into his hoodie.

“Where do you think you’re going?” asked Reese out of nowhere.

The jig was up. Kwame stopped in his tracks.

“You know the rules. Nobody leaves here without getting their hug.” said Reese.

Reese and his incessant need to show love for his friends had damned the bun buds. Reese started to come over. His arms raised in hug position. Kwame knew if that hug happened, Reese would feel the bun inside him. And then it’d be all over.

Kwame rattled his brains for a solution. But his brain failed him just like it did when he had to explain to his younger brother where babies came from.

He looked inside his hoodie and asked Tempter for advice. The two of them were in it together. If he went down, so did Tempter. Luckily the bunny had a plan. He blinked his little brown eyes and wriggled his pointy bunny ears.

“Take the hug. Be casual about it. I’ve got this.”

Kwame swung around.

“Reese, my very best good friend that I’ve known for so long! I LOVE YOU!” screamed Kwame.

And the two friends shared a passionate beautiful hug of friendship. You could tell it was a friendship hug because they patted each other’s back three times.

Kwame pulled away. Reese walked back to the kitchen, very satisfied. Kwame slid out the front door and sprinted like a maniac to his old Toyota Camry.

He took out his keys, started his car and got the fuck out of Eggy Township. Once the town was long behind them, Tempter hopped out of Kwame’s hoodie.

“Tempter, how’d we get away with that?”

Tempter replied with a wriggle of the ears, a wrinkle of the nose, and a blink of the eyes.

“Reese pats the upper shoulders when he hugs. So I hid in your lower back on top of your big buns. Could you please open the window?”

Kwame did. Tempter jumped close to the open window and felt the wind blow on his fur. He was free!

Meanwhile back at the house, Bill had left the building.

“Bill’s such a great guy.” said Mama Tail. Then she dove right into the nearest couch and went straight to sleep.

This left Reese and Karyn alone to contemplate on where to eat.

“We can get ice cream.” suggested Karyn.

“Nah. That cashier was a huge jerk to us last time.” said Reese.

“That was kinda your fault, babe.”

“I told him I wanted chocolate and watermelon. He came back with strawberry. I didn’t order no strawberry.”

“You didn’t have to throw it at him.”

“But it was very punk to do that.”

“It was very punk.”

“Let’s just go to Mega Double Super Wawa.”

“Cool. I’ll feed the buns and then we can go.”

Karyn opened the basement door.

“Nah babe. I took care of that while Kwame was here. The buns are fine.”

“Awesome!”

“Bet I can beat you to the car!”

Reese raced out the back door! Karyn was right after him.

“No fair! You got a head-start!”

Many hours later, the couple returned to the house with their goodies.

“Why does Mega Double Super Wawa have to close at 5?” complained Reese.

“At least Wawa Supreme was open.”

“Wawa Supreme doesn’t have the Mega Double Super Wawa chocolate milkshake. This milkshake Supreme isn’t cutting it.”

“You left the back door open, babe.” pointed out Karyn.

“Actually it was you cause you got left in the dust!” bragged Reese!

“You cheated.”

Reese shut the backdoor behind them. He peeked into the living room. The television was on, showing previews for a movie that was made to end the career of Kristen Stewart once and for all. His mother was sound asleep.

“Mama Tail’s out. We should try to keep it down. ”

“I’m beat. I think it’s time for some sleep-sleep.”

“I could go for some sleep-sleep too.”

“You can take a shower first. I’ll put the buns to sleep.”

Karyn walked down into the basement. Reese sipped a bit on his Wawa Supreme Milkshake. Then he threw it into the garbage. He opened his fridge and grabbed himself some apple juice. He went to his cupboard and picked out his favorite mug. He poured out half a mug of apple juice. He looked around for a straw. There weren’t any. He needed a straw if he wanted to truly enjoy this mug of apple juice. He opened up his garbage can. The Wawa Supreme Milkshake was there. It seemed to look back at him, asking to be accepted. Reese got the straw and left the milkshake to its grave. Reese washed the straw off in the sink. He placed it into his mug of apple juice. He placed his lips on the tip of the straw.

Karyn screamed. This was not your normal everyday scream of absolute terror. This was the sort of the scream that you didn’t forget because it scarred itself into your brain. Reese had been to hundreds of hardcore shows in his young life. He was usually right there in front next to the speaker. His ears had heard the loudest screams from grunge core metal bands. But none of those bands compared to the sheer magnitude of Karyn’s scream.

Reese stepped down into the basement. His fiancée was tearing it apart! Their bed was on its side. The television flipped over. Books and records flew past Reese’s head.

“What’s going on?” asked Reese.

“Tempter got out of his cage! I can’t find him!”

Reese joined her in her futile task of searching the basement for her missing bun. An hour passed and they were no closer to finding the bunny. Reese watched on as Karyn unscrewed an air vent.

“He couldn’t get in there, babe.” said Reese.

“You don’t know Tempter like I do!”

Then Karyn gasped!

“We left the back door and the basement door open. OH NO!”

She went up those stairs like lightning would if lightning was a person! She swung open the back door!

“Tempter!” shouted Karyn into the night. She jumped over the backyard fence and vanished into the spooky forest! Reese got up the stairs too late to stop her.

“Karyn!” shouted Reese into the forest!

“What, babe?!” yelled Karyn back!

“What should I do to help?!” screamed Reese!

“Look in the house! I’m looking out here!”

“Okay!”

More hours passed. The bun could not be found.

Reese had searched pretty much everywhere in it. There was this one hole he didn’t check, but he’d know if a bunny tried to hide in there.

He went back to the backward. The sun was starting to come out.

“Karyn! Did you find him?”

The woods were silent Reese screamed louder. He climbed over the fence and called out her name into the forest. Then he saw a strange green light. He followed it

It was Karyn’s glow-in-dark tattoo. She was laid out on the ground, unconscious.

“Babycakes?”

She was out. Her skin was clammy. Reese picked her up and shook her. This did not help and likely worsened whatever was ailing her. He called for an ambulance. Karyn was hurried to the emergency room. Reese went along with her.

Mama Tail was still fast asleep on the couch.

Once they arrived at the hospital, Reese had to wait for Karyn in that room where people have to wait. With all those beeps and people looking sad because their loved ones are probably dead or in the middle of dying.

A nurse came for Reese and brought him to Karyn’s room.

“Dr. Menken will be with you in a few minutes.”

Karyn looked awful. She was hooked up to a bunch of imposing hospital machines. She had all sorts of wires and IV drips coming out of her. Reese sat by her side and held her hand.

In came Dr. Menken with a clipboard that had nothing on it.

“Hello. I’m Dr. Menken. Your cousin is in critical condition.”

“Fiancée.”

“Oh. Good for you. No judging here, man.” said Dr. Menken

Dr. Menken played around with the knobs of the hospital machines. One of them broke off. Dr. Menken put it in his pocket like nothing had happened.

“What’s wrong with her?” asked Reese.

“Your cuz-an-cee won’t be waking up for quite some time. The body has a few skin factors that directly pick up on the heat signature produced by rabbits and other rodents. Your cousin had developed a dependency on that bunny for her health and welfare. Her body has gone into shock following the loss of it.”

“How long will she be like this?”

“Maybe forever. I don’t know. It’s pretty bad. I’m having the nurse bring in a variety of cute animals like kittens and puppies to try and replicate the bunny’s heat signature. It’d be for the best if you could find that bunny. ”

“I’ll find that bun if it’s the last thing I ever do.”

Reese lived up to his claim.

He spared no expense to find this bunny. He bought fliers and handed them out in all of South Jersey. He even bought a billboard in West Philadelphia where Karyn was born and raised to try and spread the word. Reese did not sleep. Reese did not eat. His every waking moment was spent trying to find the key to his love’s only return.

He started to take his campaign north.

Meanwhile exactly seventy-five miles away, Kwame and his bun bud were having the time of their lives. They had gone to a carnival and gotten those photo shoot pictures done. They’d been out to the theater to see the new Fast and Furious movie. Tempter was a huge Paul Walker fan so it was a bittersweet endeavor. Kwame had to dry the tears from the bun’s eyes. Now they were finishing up a binge of the first season of Orange is the New Black in Kwame’s room.

Kwame’s room was not a wondrous place. It was a blue room that had originally been pink since his parents expected a girl. There was a pile of clothes and straight-edge books on the floor. Posters of the professional wrestler C.M. Punk in his various iterations took up all the wall space.

“Piper is such a bitch.” wriggled Tempter out through body language.

“I like her. She’s got spunk.” replied Kwame.

Knock. Knock. It was Kwame’s mother.

“Come in!”

“Hey sweetie. Did you get together what you’re going to donate to the old folk’s home?”

“Those clothes over there. The old people can have them.”

“Oh hunny. Old people don’t need clothes. I’ll come back. Try and think of something to give away.”

His mother left. Kwame’s stomach growled.

“I’m hungry. You hungry, bun bud?”

Tempter nodded. Kwame picked up a bag of bunny food. It was empty.

“Looks like I got make a run to the pet store. Don’t start season two without me!”

But Tempter did season two with him. Because he was a prick.

It didn’t take Kwame long to get to Pets Mart. He took a few back roads and ran through a red light.

Inside of Pets Mart were bored workers and much neglected animals. Kwame tried his best not to make eye contact with the greeter at the front. He was always butting his way into conversations because he thought people cared about his vast knowledge of animals.

Kwame went into the rabbit section. He had to look for Tempter’s favorite, Organic Teriyaki Feed. Tempter refused to eat anything processed. Kwame grabbed the bag of organic rabbit junk and put in his cart.

“Kwame!” yelled a familiar voice.

A chill ran up Kwame’s spine. This had to be impossible. It couldn’t be him. What could he be doing in Central Jersey?

But it was. It was Reese! In that store, at that time.

“Hey Kwame.”

Kwame threw a bunch of stuff into his cart to cover up the rabbit food. He noticed that Reese had a bunch of flyers with Tempter on them. Reese’s eyes were bugging out from the lack of sleep.

“Hey Reese. What the heck are you doing all the way up here in Central Jersey?”

“So you didn’t hear? Tempter’s missing.”

“Oh. Is he?”

“Yeah. It happened right after you left. Karyn and I left the back door open. He got out. ”

“Oh no. I guess you’ll just have to forget about him. Buns come and go, you know.”

“Karyn’s in the hospital.”

“Oh my god.”

“She’s in a coma. The doctor says she won’t wake up unless I find the bun.”

“Excuse me.” interrupted the greeter.

Both men turned their attention to him.

“Did you just say bun? Are you’re referring to that Netherland Dwarf or Oryctolagus cuniculus that you’ve plastered all over windows here without asking? Bun is not a scientific term. It should not be used. The word rabbit was made for common people like yourselves who aren’t intelligent enough to pronounce that species of Lagomorpha by its proper name.” said the greeter with far too much pride.

“Oh kay.” said Reese.

“I have got to get going, Reese. Good luck with finding that Lagomorpha.” replied Kwame.

Kwame hurried through the self-check-out.

He got back to his car. Kwame saw Reese walk out of Pets Mart with his head down. Reese was a beaten man. Reese handed out flyers to an uncaring public. People threw the picture of the bunny away right in front of him. Kwame watched on as Reese got the flyers out of the garbage.

The wind blew them out of his hands. Reese chased after them. The wind was too strong and blew him away too. He crashed and scraped his knees on the sidewalk.

Kwame sighed. He couldn’t do this to his friend. He opened the car door.

“Hey Reese. You alright.”

“Yeah. Just bleeding a bit.”

“Any luck with that bunny?”

“No.”

“Would it hurt our friendship if I told you something?”

“What?”

“You have to promise we’ll still be friends no matter what I say next.”

“Okay.”

“I sort of took Tempter. He’s at my house now just chilling. He and I have been hanging out.”

“You’ve had him this whole time?”

Kwame nodded.

“WHAT?! You bun-napped him! Kwame, you’re a dirty bun-napper!” shouted Reese with justified rage.

“Lagomorpha!” chimed in the noisy greeter!

“You lagomorpha-napped him!”

“It was his idea!”

“Not cool, Kwame! Not cool!”

“I know.”

“Where is he now?”

“My house.”

“You drive! I’ll follow! Not cool, Kwame! Not cool!”

And so Reese followed Kwame’s car back to Kwame’s house. Kwame opened his front door while Reese teared into him.

“How could you do that? Karyn’s in a coma!”

“I didn’t know that would happen! I’m sorry!”

“You’re a bun-napper, Kwame! A bun-napper!”

Reese and Kwame ran to his room. And it was in much better condition than when he left it.

“Where is he?!”

“I left him right on my bed.”

Kwame looked at his Netflix account.

“He started watching season 2 of Orange is the New Black without me! Damn it, Tempter. I thought we were bun-buds.”

“I’m going to make your orange the new black if you don’t get me that bun!”

Kwame’s mom looked into the room.

“What are you two yelling about in here?”

“Kwame stole my bunny and now we can’t find it!”

“Oh. That bunny? I thought you were donating him. I gave him to the old folk’s home.”

“YOU WHAT?!” said Kwame with an outside voice.

“Kwame’s mom, not cool!” said Reese with an even louder outside voice.

Kwame’s mother gave them the address to the old folk’s home.

It was on the edge of Kwame’s hometown. It was an old hospital that had a creepy vibe to it. Probably because it was the last place a lot of these old people would live in. They were left there to rot and fester by their children until their untimely demises. It was really their own fault since they did the same to their own parents.

“He better be here.” said Reese as they pulled up to the place.

“He will be.” said Kwame.

“I still can’t believe what you did.”

“He told me to.”

“Don’t say that man. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. Stealing buns is not punk!”

“You promised that this wouldn’t hurt our friendship.”

“Sometimes promises are broken, Kwame.”

The inside of the old folk’s home smelled like the inside of a coffin. It looked kinda like one too. The wooden support beams needed to be replaced as they had gotten moldy. Flies and mosquitoes buzzed past Reese and Kwame as they walked up to the front desk.

Reese rang the bell on the desk.

“I hope it’s not a sassy black woman.” said Kwame.

Reese rang it again. In walked, a sassy black woman. She snatched the bell off the desk.

“Who the hell do you think you are? I heard you the first time! You got to give a woman a chance to get down here! I don’t need to be hearing this ring ring ring when I’m trying to get my ass down here to help you. I’m going to shove that where the sun don’t shine if you ring it again!”

“Damn it.” muttered Kwame under his breath.

“I’m Reese Tail.”

“And I’m his friend, Kwame.”

“Friend?” said Reese without a hint of sarcasm.

“Don’t do this to me.”

“And?” replied sassy black woman.

“We’re looking for my pet bunny. This guy here bun-napped him and then his mother donated him here.”

The sassy black woman pursed her lips.

“Well Old Man Frank is watching Orange is the New Black Season Two with a bun bud right now. That might be your bunny.”

“Where is this Old Man Frank?” asked Reese.

The sassy black woman brought them to Old Man Frank’s room which also happened to be the cafeteria. Old Man Frank didn’t own a thing. All his time went to watching old shows on Netflix on the cafeteria TV. He was usually the loneliest of loners. An outcast even among those who had been abandoned by their own families because father time had turned their brains to mush. He’d sit at his table way in the back and think about why he never could have the joys of life.

But today was not a usual day for Old Man Frank. He had a smile on his face. He greeted the two boys very happily. He had Tempter in his arms. Kwame tried to make eye-contact with Tempter, but Tempter turned his nose at him.

“Hello there! What brings two bright young men like you to my side today? I truly am blessed. I was settling in to watch a show with my new friend, Mr. Klypzxym. Someone out there with a kind heart graciously donated a pet rabbit to this home and for the first time in my life, I got a friend.”

“Well we-” started Reese.

“I’ve never had a friend before. I had a pet dog for a day before he ran away. The kids at school stayed away from me because my father killed a man. He got put away when I was three. Never knew him. My mother was there for a bit but not really. She suffered from dementia. My sister ran herself ragged trying to help my mom out. That is until she hung herself when I was five. I was the one who found her hanging in the attic. Then I became a ward of the state. I moved from foster family to foster family. One of my foster dads was real bad. I don’t want to talk about what happened with him. Being adopted didn’t make me a hit with ladies at the schools I went to except for my only girlfriend. Of course she was only using me as part of a prank to get back at her ex-girlfriend. Guess the joke was on me. But here I am with my first ever friend about to do some binge-watching as I hear the kids say. What can I do for you boys?”

Reese and Kwame were left silent by this diatribe. Then Reese spoke up.

“Give us a second.”

They walked away from Old Man Frank.

“Damn. He’s had a rough life.” said Kwame.

“I feel bad, but Karyn needs Tempter.”

They went back to Old Man Frank.

“I know this is asking a lot and I’m sorry. But that bunny’s name is not Mr. Klypzxym. His name is Tempter and he belongs to my wife-to-be. She’s in the hospital now and needs him. Could you please give him back?”

“No! I won’t give him up. I’ve had no friend in my entire life. You see this on my face. This is a smile. I’ve never done that before. Mr. Klypzxym is the best thing to happen to me. I’m not giving him up. ”

“Old Man Frank. His fiancée is in a coma because of my selfishness. She won’t wake up without that bunny. I didn’t know this was going to happen. Please don’t make her suffer any more because of my choice. I already ruined my friendship with Reese. I don’t want her blood on my hands too.” butted in Kwame.

“You two are friends?”

“We were.” continued Kwame.

“And you stole his bun and put his fiancée in the hospital? Is that what friends do? Maybe I haven’t been missing out on much then.”

“I stole his bunny because I wanted a bun bud to do bun bud stuff with. It was wrong and I accept that now. Please give us back Tempter.”

Old Man Frank looked down at his bun bud. Tempter wrinkled his nose.

“It’s alright. I’ve had my fun.” Tempter said to the Old Man in his special way.

Old Man Frank pet Tempter on the head.

“Go on then. Take Mr. Klypzxym.”

Old Man Frank said goodbye to his one and only friend. Reese grabbed the bunny.

“Thank you so much.” said Reese.

“Friendship is a gift, Mr. Tail. Remember that.”

“I will.”

The two left the old man behind. Old Man Frank went back to his usual ways.

Back in the hospital, Dr. Menken and the nurse were discussing a very important subject.

“Is there any hope for her, Doctor?”

“Nope. I tried those golden retriever puppies. Nothing. The little kittens didn’t register a response. She’s going to die”

“What a shame.”

“This is what happens when you develop an unhealthy love to creatures that aren’t people. The human psyche wasn’t built for love of animals I have a dog at home. I like him. I take him for walks and I enjoy his company. But if he ran away, I would not shed a tear. This girl is going to live the rest of her life like this. If only someone could have stopped her bun obsession before it was too late.”

BAM! Reese kicked door off its hinges!

“Why the hell did you do that?!” asked the nurse.

“For dramatic effect!”

Tempter hopped out of Reese’s arms and flew across the room to his owner. He nested into her belly. The hospital machines started to beep like crazy!

Karyn’s eyes opened! She was back!

“Where am I? Tempter?! My bun!”

Her arms wrapped around the bun like she’d never let go again. Reese pumped his fist in the air! Dr. Menken slipped the bill into Reese’s fist.

“That’ll be three thousand dollars plus an eighteen percent gratuity charge of course. I did a good job here.”

“No. It won’t be. At least not for him. I’ll pay that. This is my fault.” piped up Kwame who had snuck into the room.

“What’s he talking about, babe.” asked Karyn with Tempter still in her grasp.

“I bun-napped Tempter.” confessed Kwame.

“What?!”

“It’s true. I’m sorry, Karyn. I’m a dirty bun-napper.”

“Your honesty has touched my cold heart son. I won’t be charging for this.”

Dr. Menken tore up the bill.

“Can you do that?” asked Reese.

“Of course I can. I’m a doctor! I can do whatever the fuck I want.” yelled Dr. Menken. He then morphed into a pterodactyl and soared out the window.

“Kwame, I just thought up your punishment.” announced Reese.

“Okay. I’m ready.”

“You have to plan a pizza party for Old Man Frank. Then we’ll be even.”

“Is that it?”

“And you have to promise to never kidnap a bun again.” added Karyn.

“But he told me to.”

“Don’t go back to that excuse.” said Reese.

“Nah, babe. Tempter is always doing stuff like that. Remember that time your mom took him to Six Flags cause he made her do it? He might be like evil or something. The vet mentioned it once. We can’t be too mad at Kwame. Tempter’s just a bad bun.”

“So we’re still friends then?” asked Kwame.

Reese raised his arms into hug position and they shared yet another hug of friendship.

A few days later, Old Man Frank awoke to a pizza party in the cafeteria. The excitement of the kind gesture sent his heart racing and then unfortunately Old Man Frank died.

But he died with a smile on his face which is more than most of us will get.

That’s the story.

 

 

Russell Wilson’s Contract Negotiations End!

After months of intense negotiations, Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks have finally agreed to terms on a new contract. And this might just be the biggest contract in professional sports history.

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As part of Wilson’s new contract, he will be given 120 million yen, an electric razor, thirty bags of candy corn, five golden rings and a lifetime’s supply of Hubba Bubba Gum. These items will be dispersed over the next five years. In addition to those items, the city of Seattle will be renamed to Russell and Paul Allen, Seattle Seahawks owner, has agreed to rename the Seahawks to The Wilsons.

The former Seattle Seahawks, now Russell Wilsons held a press conference today in front of Centurylink Field with General Manager John Schneider and Russell Wilson to announce the contract signing.

“I’m so glad to have this opportunity to have not only a city named after me but a team too. Not many players get here. God made me for this. I hope to play for the Russell Wilsons for rest of my career. Go Wilsons!” Wilson said to on-site reporters.

“After Cam Newton’s new contract, I knew there was no way we could possibly pay Russ traditionally and keep this team together. I looked in the rulebook and there was nothing that said a man can’t be paid this way.” Schneider elaborated to the audience.

This could have a tremendous impact on the on-going negotiations between Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts. Sources close to Andrew Luck say he may ask for the city to be named after him. This could be a good move for the Colts as nobody is really quite sure how to spell Indianapolis anyway.

In other Wilsons news, Michael Bennett is not expected to be back for training camp. He is holding out for a better contract. A source close to him says he wants more money and to have his beard be the logo for the Russell Wilsons.