I’m nearing my mid-20s. The time is coming for me to answer a serious question. Will I have kids?
I don’t have to answer that question today but it’s still on my mind. As a man, I’ll be fine to have children for many years. I’d say it is better have a kid while I still have my vitality. I don’t want to be sixty having a thirteen year old bitching at me.

Once you have a kid, you are no longer the center of your life. It’s all them. They are what you leave behind. I take creating a life very seriously. Who am I to bring a new person into existence? Who am I to raise someone to be a part of society? What authority do I have on life? I’m still figuring things out. I’ll always be.

What if I have a child and it’s a catastrophe? Am I not to blame if my child suffers and leads a despondent life? What if my child hurts others? Do I take the blame for being a bad parent? What if they are disabled? What if they are severely disabled to the point where they can’t interact with the world? Should I have a child if I don’t know if I can bare that?

It’s the ultimate responsibility. It is also not all doom and gloom. Children bring light to a life.

Six months ago, I babysat my then seven month year old baby cousin. I sat him down on the floor. He was learning how to crawl. I put Thomas the Tank Engine in front of him then moved it a couple feet away. He started pushing off with his stubby arms. He crawled backwards. I moved him back to his original spot and put the train a bit closer. He pushed off again and ended up farther away. He has never gone forward in his life. He didn’t cry. I moved him back and he went backwards again.

His goal got farther and farther away from him. But he kept going. I found this to be so profound at the time. Now he can walk. He can follow me. Soon he’ll be able to run and be a huge pain in the neck for everyone. And it all started from going backwards a thousand times. Yet he ended up forward in the end. It seriously made me rethink some of my own personal philosophy.

Children have much to give back to their guardians. A year ago, I learned towards never having children. But today I’m not ruling it out.

So long as someone else changes the diapers.


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