Marriage Equality?

Everyone hates Comic Sans

What does marriage equality really mean? We’ve all seen the red equal signs as people’s profile pictures.

According to Google, marriage is the formal union of a man and a woman, typically recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife. I’ll stand by the Google definition for this discussion.

Marriage is already equal. Everyone can engage in man and woman formal unions. Nobody is excluded from this other than children because they aren’t real people.

What these false marriage equalists actually want is to change the definition of marriage to fit their agenda. They want same-sex marriage. They shouldn’t hide behind the veil of marriage equality. They’re misusing that term.

I don’t have any problem with gay marriage. There’s no argument against it. Any religious argument is hogwash because we don’t all follow the same religion. The child rearing argument doesn’t hold any weight. We allow old people who can’t have children anymore to marry.

It’s just that if we’re changing the definition of marriage, then we need to make sure it’s equal for everyone.

Why should two consenting adults have all the fun? What about a person who’s all by themself?

Think about ugly people. I’m not talking about people with buck teeth and lazy eyes.

I’m talking about people whose faces are so grotesque that they will never find a partner unless they can trick a blind person. These are people who no one could ever love because they look like hideous monsters.

Nobody cares about what’s on the inside when the outside is vomit-inducing.¬† What if your face makes people turn away and run in fear? Does that mean you don’t get to enjoy marriage? Where is marriage equality for the ghoulish looking freaks in our society?

And what if you hate people? What if you can’t bring yourself to love someone other than yourself? It doesn’t seem fair that you don’t get to have a wedding. That’s a giant milestone in life. Why should people who can’t stand the company of others be unable to marry?

What if you’re just a complete loser with zero self-esteem? What if you can’t handle rejection so you never get close to anyone? What if you’re afraid of intimacy? Or you’re just really awkward? That’s sad. These people need marriage more than two lovebirds who have each other.

We should create a special kind of marriage for these sort of people. Self-marriage. Love is love even if the only person you love is yourself.

And what about people who have more than one partner? What’s wrong with three consenting adults getting married together? Or a hundred? As long as they all consent, I don’t see a problem.

This allows for more mind-blowing weddings. We’ve seen the crazy shit two people do when they get hitched. Now imagine three or four! With more people pooling their money together, we could get some real kickass weddings.

With more people getting married at once, that’s more wedding gifts that have to be bought. Polygamy could be just the boost that the economy needs.

I believe true marriage equality is a great idea. We should change the definition of marriage.

Marriage should be defined as a formal union between one or more consenting adults. That’s the only way to keep things equal.

If you’re a supporter of gay marriage and only gay marriage, please stop using the term “Marriage Equality”

I’m quite serious. Stop.

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