How to get away without tipping.

In my life, I’ve picked up a particular set of skills. These skills allow me to pay only for what I eat when I go out and nothing more. Continue reading if you wish to follow in my footsteps, down the dark path of a person who doesn’t tip at restaurants. It’s not a path for those with a weak heart. People may not like you for it, but you’ll be a few dollars richer.

The first thing a person who doesn’t want to tip needs to do is figure out how to not leave an impression on a waiter. If you are eating alone, you are at your most vulnerable. If a waiter remembers you, you are in trouble. They could get bitter and mess with your food because you didn’t leave a tip. Waiters take that dollar or two extremely seriously. You want to be as bland and forgettable as possible. You don’t want Ted the waiter to hock a loogie in your hamburger.

If you have a distinctive tattoo, cover it up. Take out your crazy piercings. Try to fit in. Mentally imagine yourself as a drop of water in a large pool once you walk in the doors of a restaurant. Shed your individuality.  Don’t stand out. Become a sheep. This is key. If you can master this, you can repeatedly go to the same place and not leave a tip. Your food will not be spit in and you’ll keep all your money. Alternatively if you cannot shed your individuality, rotate the restaurants you visit on a monthly basis. You’ll be forgotten eventually.

When not eating alone, you can run into major obstacles. You’d think that it’d be easier to get away with not tipping in a group. It actually can be quite difficult. One major tip of mine is to ask to split the check. If you pay with everyone, people will notice you not tipping. You don’t want that. So when you get your bill, get up and pay as soon as possible.

When eating with a group of people, you need to keep an eye out for a certain type of person. The person I’m describing believes themselves to be the champion of the waiters. They tip big and ask everyone whether they put in their tip or not. There is a scientific term for this type of person. “Asshole Who Doesn’t Mind His Business”

These people will try to make you feel bad for not tipping.

“The waiters don’t even get paid minimum wage!” or “They have to stand and work hard!”

Don’t fall for their sob stories. You are not the waiter’s employer. You are a customer. Their pay is not your concern. Stay strong. Hold on to your dollars. You need the money. Tipping is optional. Never forget that. That should be your motto.

Dealing with those types of people isn’t easy. They can really get in your face and demand your tip. They’ll try to make you look like a bad guy in front of everyone. If this happens, take a deep breathe. You have several options.

You can lie and say you don’t have any change. Most people will leave you alone. If they ask you to make change at the register or accuse you of lying, it’s time to be a jerk. You tell them to their face that you do not tip and that they should worry about their own money. People dislike confrontation so I doubt it will ever come to this. Always be prepared for the worst.

A better option is to go to the bathroom when people are starting to put in their tips. Drink a lot of water during your meal so people aren’t suspicious when you get up to leave as soon as the bill comes. Take a few extra minutes to dry your hands. By the time you get back, everyone will have forgotten you didn’t put in your tip.

The most controversial option is to put down your tip and take it back later. It’s devastating to your reputation if you are seen doing this. I haven’t done this, so further research is needed on this option. I advise you to exhaust all other options before doing this.

Some places do have mandatory gratuity. I  have yet to visit one of these places. I suggest avoiding these places at all costs. If you cannot, I suppose you could pay and then run away before being hassled for the tip.

If people find out and ask you why you don’t tip. Don’t fret. Just tell them.

“It’s my money. I worked hard and I’ll use it as I see fit.” That should get anyone off your back because it’s true.

Good luck to all of you non-tippers. I hope you’ll be able to make your wallets 15% more heavy.

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4 thoughts on “How to get away without tipping.

  1. Tipping is optional, but customary, like may other things; including shaking someone’s hand when you meet them, not smoking in the presence of company that does not smoke themselves, picking up your dog’s poop, and letting the elderly gentleman have your seat on the bus.

  2. You should drop dead and go fuck yourself you piece of shit. Only a complete lose would stoop to these tactics. I hope you sneeze while eating and you stab your throat with your fork

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