A lot of things piss me off in this world. But there are some very few things that don’t. The list of these things is very short. I am hard to please. I don’t demand any less than the best for me. What I’m trying to say is this thing talked about in this blog entry completely, absolutely, DOES NOT SUCK!!!!

  • What is it: God Hand

A Playstation 2 video game released in 2006. A 3D beat em up game that calls back to classics like Streets of Rage 2 and Final Fight. It’s a hard game.

Developed by now defunct game developing company, Clover Studio. God Hand puts you in the shoes of Gene, a martial artist who gets his hands on one of the legendary God Hands. Gene quickly learns that there’s a big down side that comes to owning the God Hand. People really want to kick his ass!

  • Why It Doesn’t Suck:

The current generation of video games are plagued by a variety of issues. Developers want to appeal the lowest common denominator so they’ve taken to making games easier and more accessible to the general public. Last summer I grew tired of the video games being put out on the Playstation 3. They didn’t appeal to me. They weren’t made to appeal to me. So I looked back to the last generation of video games.

Then I picked up this glorious game. I was hesitant because the game received a lot of flak in reviews. An idiot on IGN gave the game a 3.0. I almost didn’t get the game because of that. I ended up ignoring that ignoramus and picking it up anyway. That was one of the greatest decisions I ever made in my life. But let get down to what you really need to know. Why doesn’t this game suck?

He's actually not a gorilla. He's a demon in a gorilla costume in a wrestler costume.The Presentation.

Thank goodness for a game that doesn’t take itself so seriously. It seems all video games want to do today is be realistic and tell cinematic epics. BORING! What we need is less story and more ass kicking. God Hand delivers this perfectly. Every level is jam packed full of bad guys to pump full of punches, dragon kicks, and other attacks. The levels seem bare and the graphics aren’t breathtaking, but I don’t care. I love how the game doesn’t even bother to explain itself at times.

When I got to the gorilla wrestler mini boss, that was when I knew this game was the game for me. Throughout God Hand, you’ll plow through midgets, rock stars, demons, and tiger striped jerks. The game is like a cheesy kung fu movie. I always find myself chuckling as I play through it no matter how many times I get through it.

You find enemies dancing to the music of the level. You will even find fat ones sitting on people. This is a game where you can spank enemies.

The game is presented in such a bizarre way, I’m not surprised it went over the heads of game reviewers at the time who only wanted serious stuff. Shame on them for giving God Hand less than a ten out of ten! Shame! Shame!

Just look at how silly the debut trailer for it was.

The Music.

The theme song to this game is my top played track on last.fm.


I know all the words to it. I applaud Masafumi Takada for the effort put into this game’s soundtrack. It just sucks you into the experience. It’s wacky, goofy and it can get your blood flowing. I’m no musician but I think it does what it sets out to accomplish. There’s this one track that plays when an enemy randomly transforms into a demon. This one came up while I was listening to my music on shuffle and I felt a chill run down my spine. The music stayed with me long after playing the game. I sometimes hum it while waiting in places.

The Gameplay.

This is one of the few games where I replayed it directly after beating it. Sometimes I just randomly pop in the disc and find myself engrossed in it. There’s so many mechanics to the fighting engine. There’s so many moves. A variety of different enemies. And it has this awesome leveling feature, where it gets harder the better you do at it.

This game is hard. This game is ball-bustingly hard! It will kick your ass over and over again. You will die. But it’s fair. The level drops as you do worse. This leads to an exhilarating feeling as you get better and play on the harder levels. You can get in the zone and just whup a bunch of ass, but get humbled once it reaches Level Die. You have to watch gameplay videos to fully grasp it.
Here’s one for ya.

This game is everything that I want from video games. Loads of bosses. Loads of asskicking. A taunt feature. Different ways to go about a situation. There’s nothing I like more than taunting during a fight. The dodging feature puts a smile on my face. I love watching enemies’ blows hit the air as Gene weaves back and forth. I’ve woken up to my thumb moving up and down like when I play with my controller. I think I need may need help, but hey this game is still fantastic!

I love singing along with the theme song when I beat it. I love kicking people in the nuts! I love dragon kicking people into the Milky Way! I love punting midgets!  Once you get the gameplay down and start to enjoy it, there’s no experience out there on the market like it. Believe me. I know. I’ve been looking for it.

With Clover Studio being dead and Capcom being jerks, there’s no chance for a sequel. This saddens me but at least I got to play through this game.

This video game is a work of art. I thank everyone included in this for creating something that completely, absolutely DOES NOT SUCK!

Credit goes to the original artist

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