What is it?

You can throw words at it. You can try to explain it away but you never get close enough. You try to use your best analogies but language fails you. You can say it’s like a burning sensation in your chest. Or a euphoric feeling that fills the body. But that just doesn’t seem right.

You can look up what scientists have said about it. They say it’s just a chemical in the brain, but that doesn’t help you gain any further understanding. You lie to yourself and say you understand it now. But you know you don’t.

You can try to read what other people have said but it never seems quite the same once it happens to you. It’s different for everyone. Sometimes you expect it. Other times it just hits you in the face and you’re stuck with it.

You try to figure out what it takes to satisfy this. Is it an urge? Is it just something that passes by? Is it wrong? Should it go away? Sometimes you need it to go away but it doesn’t. And other times it disappears when you weren’t paying attention.

You hate yourself for it when you need it gone. You see yourself as weak. You can’t get this monkey off your back. Is it an obsession? Do you need help? But nobody can help you. It’s different for everyone.

You lie to yourself and say that it is gone or that you never had it. You put on an act to convince yourself. You say it was never there or you misunderstood your feelings. It just sits there simmering in you waiting to pop out.

You either give in or torture yourself. You’ll regret not giving in. You’ll regret giving in. It seems impossible to win.

But what is it? A chemical? A word you should say with caution? A reason to make big mistakes? Just what is this thing?

I’ll never understand.

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