Any good villain knows a great recipe or has stolen a recipe from someone who did. I dabble in cooking here and there. I’m not the best, but I do make some stunning meals when I have guests. People keep asking me how I manage to keep my chili so marvelous.
Contrary to popular belief, it’s not orphan tears. It’s ground up puppies. Not just any ground up puppies, the most adorable ones. Now I’ll give away my secret for free! Not like me, but I want to see your attempts out there to make food as magnificent as mine is.
The first thing you’re going to need is pick out a puppy.
You’re going to want to head to an animal shelter. Not a pet store. The puppies at those places aren’t as innocent.
Not the local one for obvious reasons. Try to head out of town. Unless you’re a real” badass villain”.
Then take a look at the puppies. You don’t want them too young when they’re all pink and icky. You want them a bit older than that. Pick out the most adorable puppy. People at the shelter always give you help with this. The last puppy I picked up was missing a leg and had big old eyes. He was so cute! His mother had died after giving birth to him. That’s perfect! Try to get a puppy like that. Golden retrievers are popular but I’ve never been a fan of them ever since that awful Air Bud movie.
Now after you’ve selected one, don’t be a fool and adopt it. I know my real villains out there are rolling their eyes, but I have to put it in for the rookies out there. They get your contact info that way, sillywillies! Come back after dark and steal the little cutsie in the dead of night. I know some of you “big villains” out there will leave your calling card. Do what you want, but remember that means they’ll be on the look out for you.
So now you have him or her. I prefer female puppies but to each his own. Now to take care of the little guy. You can play with them beforehand so they gain a false sense of security. I like to pet them on the back before I do the deed.
Snapping their neck quickly and suddenly is the most effective way to kill. It makes a nice CRUNCH! It really puts me in the mood for chili. Don’t use a knife and stab it like a moron. The flavor’s all in the blood.
I won’t tell you my technique for taking the fur off. Figure it outself. Grinding it is simple enough. Just mix it in with your chili and this will kick it up to a magnificent level!
Tata for now, my villains. Until next time.