Things People Never Say

“My favorite movie is Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.”

“I hate democracy.”

“Kissing is disgusting. Why would you put your mouth on someone else’s? Ew. Gross.”

“I only go to church because I’m sexually attracted to Jesus.”

“I’m attracted to ugly men with small dicks and no money.”

“I’m attracted to ugly women with bland personalities.”

“I think I’ll rape my secretary tomorrow after we have lunch.”

“Cyanide is a great topping for pizza.”

“My girlfriend will be six years old this December.”

“My mother beats my father.”

“My sister’s tits were looking great yesterday.”

“I like to bathe in the tears of crippled orphans.”

“I don’t think of drunks as people. Just drunks.”

“I think my favorite race is Latino. But Blacks have been impressing me lately so it could switch soon.”

“My favorite wrestler is Jack Swagger.”

“I don’t want anything. My life is perfect.”

“I eat ground up puppies for breakfast.”

“I have never had sex. I have never kissed anyone. And I’m perfectly fine with it.”

“I don’t watch movies. They’re fake. Why would I watch things that aren’t real?”

“I don’t believe in the existence of water.”

“The American government works perfectly and doesn’t need any reform.”

“My favorite sports team lost due to a bad ref call. I am not aggravated in anyway. I’m just glad nobody got hurt.”

“I can only read every third letter. I have a serious disorder.”

“I can’t be in a relationship with you because you’re ugly.”

“Fat people are the next step of evolution.”

” Say it with me, class. A is for Apple. B is for Banana. C is for Cat. And D is Death which will happen to everyone you know.”

“No one talks about celebrities enough.”

“I trust politicians. They seem like honest people to me.”

” I want to grow up and work in public relations.”

“My pet gerbil lives in my colon.”

“No thanks. I don’t need a drink. I have plenty of spit.”

“I’m done with humans for now. There’s this cute squirrel running around outside my house. I think he could be the one for me.”

“I hate Toy Story.”

“I only eat sugary things to make my semen taste better.”

“I can’t masturbate to porn without good character development.”

“I trust the mainstream media.”

“I donated my hands to charity.”

“That girl has the hottest ears I have ever seen. God Damn!”

“It’s really annoying to breathe.”

“The best part of eating ice cream is the motor oil.”

“I think we should commit more Genocide.”

“I’ve eaten a truffle before.”

“Cell phones taste weird.”

“When I’m not at work. I’m a serial killer. I kill people to collect their toe jam.”

“I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.”

“I actually think the terrorists may have a point.”

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