CAREY: Today we’re going to be talking about a real big epidemic happening in today’s youth. More and more each year, more and more of America’s youth are being caught up in a new dangerous fad. Kids have always talked back to their parents. They have always rebelled but this new form of rebellion may be the most dangerous form of all time. The three kids brought to the show today claim to be part of a cult group known as “The Atheists”. This group does not believe in the existence of the God. They believe that God does not exist.
(The audience gasps in Horror)
This group is known for several things. They listen to soft rock and engage in
(One women in the audience faints and must be carted away.)
The parents of this children have brought their kids here today to save their immortal souls from the fiery gates of hell. Hopefully we can scare these kids and send them back on the path to the Righteous, Holy, and very Attractive Jesus Christ!
(The audience cheers. One heavyset black woman yells “Praise Him”)
Now first we’ll bring out the mother of Nathan, a devout Christian. Her son is out of control.
(The audience cheers as Ms. Abernathy walks out)
MS. ABERNATHY: Thanks, Carey. My son is out of control!
CAREY: Ms. Abernathy, tell us how this all started.
MS. ABERNATHY: It started slowly. First he didn’t want to go to church. He told me he had better things to do.
(The audience boos heavily)
CAREY: There is nothing bigger than God in this life or the next.
MS. ABERNATHY: That’s what I told him. And he told me.
He told me. He didn’t think there was a god. And he said…
CAREY: What did he say, Ms. Abernathy?
MS. ABERNATHY: He said, he was one of those atheists.
(The audience boos. The heavyset black woman yells out ” Aw hell naw!”)
CAREY: That is one of the most disturbing stories I have ever heard in my life.
Please bring out the boy now.
(Nathan walks out onto the stage. He is hit with crosses and bibles as he takes his seat.)
NATHAN: This is stupid!
CAREY: Stupid? We’re here to help you get through this phase in your life, Nathan.
NATHAN: What phase?
CAREY: This cult group you’ve joined, Tte atheists. Do you even know what an Atheist is, Nathan?
NATHAN: A person who doesn’t believe in the existence of god.
CAREY: Where did you hear about this?
NATHAN: I read about it on the internet.
CAREY: Really? When I grew up, I never read anything on the internet. Do you know what I read, Nathan?
NATHAN: Playboy Magazine?
CAREY: NO! I read the Bible!
NATHAN: I’ve read that once or twice. I didn’t like the plot very much. They kill off the main character but then they bring him back. It kills the suspension of disbelief.
CAREY: You should go back and read it again. There’s this guy in it and he wants to save you! Do you know his name?
CAREY: No. His name is Jesus.
NATHAN: Aren’t they the same thing?
CAREY: Well. Uh.
MS. ABERNATHY: That’s not the point! You need to get back on the right path! Back into the succulent bosom of the Lord!
NATHAN: But Mom, you always said I should respectful of other people’s beliefs. Why don’t you respect mine?
MS. ABERNATHY: Because you are young and being led astray out of the herd. You need your Shepard. You need Jesus!
(The Audience hums “Amazing Grace.”)
Atheists aren’t happy! They cause trouble! They kill babies and engage in anal sex! Not my son! Not my son! NOT MY SON!
NATHAN: Mom, you’ve got it all backwards. It’s gay men who have anal sex.
MS. ABERNATHY: How could you know that? Unless you were a gay!
(The audience gasps.)
CAREY: OH MY GOD! We’ll be right back after this quick commercial break!