The Best Way To Grind Up Adorable Puppies

The perfect ingredient

Any good villain knows a great recipe or has stolen a recipe from someone who did. I dabble in cooking here and there. I’m not the best, but I do make some stunning meals when I have guests. People keep asking me how I manage to keep my chili so marvelous.

Contrary to popular belief, it’s not orphan tears. It’s ground up puppies. Not just any ground up puppies, the most adorable ones. Now I’ll give away my secret for free! Not like me, but I want to see your attempts out there to make food as magnificent as mine is.

The first thing you’re going to need is pick out a puppy.

You’re going to want to head to an animal shelter. Not a pet store. The puppies at those places aren’t as innocent.

Not the local one for obvious reasons. Try to head out of town. Unless you’re a real” badass villain”.
Then take a look at the puppies. You don’t want them too young when they’re all pink and icky. You want them a bit older than that. Pick out the most adorable puppy. People at the shelter always give you help with this. The last puppy I picked up was missing a leg and had big old eyes. He was so cute! His mother had died after giving birth to him. That’s perfect! Try to get a puppy like that. Golden retrievers are popular but I’ve never been a fan of them ever since that awful Air Bud movie.

Now after you’ve selected one, don’t be  a fool and adopt it. I know my real villains out there are rolling their eyes, but I have to put it in for the rookies out there. They get your contact info that way, sillywillies! Come back after dark and steal the little cutsie in the dead of night. I know some of you “big villains” out there will leave your calling card. Do what you want, but remember that means they’ll be on the look out for you.

So now you have him or her. I prefer female puppies but to each his own. Now to take care of the little guy. You can play with them beforehand so they gain a false sense of security. I like to pet them on the back before I do the deed.

Snapping their neck quickly and suddenly is the most effective way to kill. It makes a nice CRUNCH! It really puts me in the mood for chili. Don’t use a knife and stab it like a moron. The flavor’s all in the blood.

I won’t tell you my technique for taking the fur off. Figure it outself. Grinding it is simple enough. Just mix it in with your chili and this will kick it up to a magnificent level!

Tata for now, my villains. Until next time.


Things People Never Say

“My favorite movie is Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.”

“I hate democracy.”

“Kissing is disgusting. Why would you put your mouth on someone else’s? Ew. Gross.”

“I only go to church because I’m sexually attracted to Jesus.”

“I’m attracted to ugly men with small dicks and no money.”

“I’m attracted to ugly women with bland personalities.”

“I think I’ll rape my secretary tomorrow after we have lunch.”

“Cyanide is a great topping for pizza.”

“My girlfriend will be six years old this December.”

“My mother beats my father.”

“My sister’s tits were looking great yesterday.”

“I like to bathe in the tears of crippled orphans.”

“I don’t think of drunks as people. Just drunks.”

“I think my favorite race is Latino. But Blacks have been impressing me lately so it could switch soon.”

“My favorite wrestler is Jack Swagger.”

“I don’t want anything. My life is perfect.”

“I eat ground up puppies for breakfast.”

“I have never had sex. I have never kissed anyone. And I’m perfectly fine with it.”

“I don’t watch movies. They’re fake. Why would I watch things that aren’t real?”

“I don’t believe in the existence of water.”

“The American government works perfectly and doesn’t need any reform.”

“My favorite sports team lost due to a bad ref call. I am not aggravated in anyway. I’m just glad nobody got hurt.”

“I can only read every third letter. I have a serious disorder.”

“I can’t be in a relationship with you because you’re ugly.”

“Fat people are the next step of evolution.”

” Say it with me, class. A is for Apple. B is for Banana. C is for Cat. And D is Death which will happen to everyone you know.”

“No one talks about celebrities enough.”

“I trust politicians. They seem like honest people to me.”

” I want to grow up and work in public relations.”

“My pet gerbil lives in my colon.”

“No thanks. I don’t need a drink. I have plenty of spit.”

“I’m done with humans for now. There’s this cute squirrel running around outside my house. I think he could be the one for me.”

“I hate Toy Story.”

“I only eat sugary things to make my semen taste better.”

“I can’t masturbate to porn without good character development.”

“I trust the mainstream media.”

“I donated my hands to charity.”

“That girl has the hottest ears I have ever seen. God Damn!”

“It’s really annoying to breathe.”

“The best part of eating ice cream is the motor oil.”

“I think we should commit more Genocide.”

“I’ve eaten a truffle before.”

“Cell phones taste weird.”

“When I’m not at work. I’m a serial killer. I kill people to collect their toe jam.”

“I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth.”

“I actually think the terrorists may have a point.”

Starving Children refuse to eat Eickoff food.

In other countries, some people don’t have food on the table. They don’t even have tables. They must eat anything that they can scrounge up. These people will eat whatever they can get their hands on. However not even those people will not eat the food available at Eickoff, the College of New Jersey’s Dining Hall.

“My lunch at home is whatever I can lick off a rock. That is better than the stuff they try to give us at Eickoff.” said Ung, a starving child from the isle of Samoa. This past Wednesday, a group of children from across the world were brought to America to experience a different way of life on a trip known as “Different Strokes Tour of the US” The “Different Strokes Tour” ended up near the College of New Jersey to show the children what it was like to eat at the most prestigious public university in New Jersey. The children were not impressed.

One child burst into tears and curled into a ball after being shown a slice of Eickoff pizza. Instead of eating Eickoff food, the children gnawed on the leg of a table for fifteen minutes.

“I feel sorry for anyone who have to eat here. Each day I only eat a grain of rice and each night I listen to my stomach howl in hunger. But at least I know I will never have to come back to this place. ” said Jerrybob, a starving child from Britain. The children asked to be removed from the dining hall after one cook brought out a specialty known as Root Beer Chicken. Eickoff’s root beer chicken is banned in seventeen states due to its demoralizing effect. It is believed to be linked with the overall terrible living environment that TCNJ students suffer through.

“I don’t understand why those kids left early. There’s plenty of steamed chicken and root beer for everyone. ” said one Eickoff cook. TCNJ is currently under investigation by the UN for inhumane treatment of college students and improper use of root beer. One student who wanted to remain unnamed is glad that this incident occurred.

“I’ve been here for over ten years. I took one bite of that root beer chicken and lost all motivation to live. They renovated it but that was just a front to get the feds off of them. The quality of the food has gotten worse and worse. I’m forced to eat it because it’s the only thing my body is conditioned to digest. That’s why I’m still here. It’s all I can eat. Please kill me.”

Why I Eat Meat

Animals live on this planet just like humans do. They feel pain. They die. They know what it is to suffer. They are ground up and horribly murdered so humans can eat them. Little baby cows are killed to create a nice tender meat known as veal. We eat all the parts of the animals. From the bones to the eyes, even their organs. Nothing is hands off. I can’t even imagine how many chickens I have consumed in my lifetime.We exploit our fellow animals

For some reason, this doesn’t bother me. No matter how many pictures I see or sound arguments I hear against the eating of animals, I just don’t stop eating meat nor do I ever really care that much. I had one event when I was ten years old. I had gone to Africa and there things are a bit different. The chicken isn’t always already killed and brought to you. It isn’t prepared to be cooked. One day some family members of mine brought a chicken back to the house my father and I were staying , I didn’t know that it was to be a part of our dinner.

I fed the chicken and played around with it for a couple of hours. Then the time came for the chicken to meet its fate. I had left the chicken outside by itself as I played video games. I went outside and I couldn’t find it anywhere. I asked one of my cousins if they knew where the chicken had gone.

I cried when they told me that they had cut off the chicken’s head and it was being prepared for dinner. I told them that I refused to eat the food. Eventually I became hungry and I ate the chicken that I had once considered my friend. Being a vegetarian would never have worked out for me. I hate vegetables.

Now I’m ten years older. I have more power over the food I eat. Yet I still choose to eat meat. I find it hard to  come up with a convincing argument to do so. I’m well off. The food around me is not limited to only the animals around me. I have no need to eat them.

The closest argument I used to have was that if the animals were at the top of the food chain, they would be eating me. I’m just a part of cycle. That’s not very good.
I guess I just think there are bigger problems in the world than chickens being turned into chicken noodle soup. I’ve been conditioned to value human life above all other life.

Why is human life more precious than other animal’s? This is not an easy question to answer because it leads to more questions.  How many chickens equal one human life? Are dog’s lives more precious than babies? If someone has a mental disorder where they act like a chicken, can you eat them? Is eating a cat nine times as bad as eating any other animal? One man stated that his answer to this question was to not answer it and I can get behind that.

Of course another man once stated it would be better to rape animals than to eat them. That I can’t get behind. I think I’ll revisit this question in my mind when humanity is a far better position.

Daniel Bryan Danielson Pt. 2

Continued from

(If you don’t like professional wrestling please proceed to another blog post.)

There is plenty wrong with professional wrestling today. Ratings are down, old superstars are retiring, and the WWE can’t seem to book a compelling show. But why? Why is professional wrestling stuck in a slump? There’s a number of reasons, but Daniel Bryan is not one of them.

I’m a simple consumer who sees something good in today’s program. And I’m going to point this out because I’m enjoying it.

A few months ago, I discussed the career of Daniel Bryan and how I was concerned with his future. I still am. Since the last time I discussed it, the WWE did something I feared they would. They had him cash in the Money in the Bank before Wrestlemania.

I was disappointed that they didn’t do that long build-up, however I accepted after finding out that Mark Henry was injured.

Bryan doesn’t get the strongest reaction. I was hoping the WWE would give him a better chance to connect with the crowd by letting him wrestle on PPVS and win matches before he became champion. This didn’t happen. Now he’s the world champion.

I watched in apprehension the next RAW after the PPV. Bryan had a nice segment with Punk and won the tag team match for his team. He then had a great match with Dolph Ziggler on Smackdown. He looked like a champion. He really did fit the belt. Then the next Smackdown happened.

He showed heelish tendencies. He mocked the Big Show. He overly celebrated. I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to turn heel. From what I have seen, heel turns are stronger when the audience cares for the person more. I feel like Bryan needed to get a stronger reaction. As one wrestler put it, “You basically have to stab the fans in the heart.” It doesn’t mean much if someone starts being a jerk when you don’t care about them.

Another reason I was worried is that he was facing the Big Show. The Big Show is a great talent but he doesn’t have the best track record in helping out young heels. He stopped Swagger’s push in 2010. He destroyed CM Punk’s Straight Edge Society. He’s a big guy. It’s hard for the audience to care about the person he’s beating up. They don’t look to be a threat. Big Show is always better as a heel.

So this week’s episodes of RAW and Smackdown roll by. I watch both of them. RAW wasn’t great. Bryan beat Cody with a roll-up and celebrated like it was the biggest victory of his career. I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

  It all became clear when I watched Smackdown. Bryan faced the Big Show in a pretty good match. I enjoyed  every part of it. I was expecting it to be a straight up massacre but he looked really good. He almost made the  Big Show tap out. He got himself intentionally disqualified and celebrated like he won the main event of  Wrestlemania. I really liked the direction his character was headed. It seemed natural to Bryan. He didn’t come off as looking like a complete pussy. He almost beat a man bigger than him.

Bryan also cut what may be his best promo in the WWE before the match.

I’m still worried but if the WWE lets Bryan run with this it can be great. We’re still on the road to Wrestlemania though. The WWE can cut the legs out from Bryan at any time and give the title to someone else. I’m enjoying Bryan’s development. He’s a great wrestler. He can be a great heel for the company.

Carey Show “Son of God.”

CAREY: Today we’re going to be talking about a real big epidemic happening in today’s youth. More and more each year, more and more of America’s youth are being caught up in a new dangerous fad. Kids have always talked back to their parents. They have always rebelled but this new form of rebellion may be the most dangerous form of all time. The three kids brought to the show today  claim to be part of a cult group known as “The Atheists”. This group does not believe in the existence of the God. They believe that God does not exist.

(The audience gasps in Horror)

This group is known for several things. They listen to soft rock and engage in

(Long Pause)

Anal sex.

(One women in the audience faints and must be carted away.)

The parents of this children have brought their kids here today to save their immortal souls from the fiery gates of hell. Hopefully we can scare these kids and send them back on the path to the Righteous, Holy, and very Attractive Jesus Christ!

(The audience cheers. One heavyset black woman yells “Praise Him”)

Now first we’ll bring out the mother of Nathan, a devout Christian. Her son is out of control.

(The audience cheers as Ms. Abernathy walks out)

MS. ABERNATHY: Thanks, Carey. My son is out of control!

CAREY: Ms. Abernathy, tell us how this all started.

MS. ABERNATHY: It started slowly. First he didn’t want to go to church. He told me he had better things to do.

(The audience boos heavily)

CAREY: There is nothing bigger than God in this life or the next.

MS. ABERNATHY: That’s what I told him. And he told me.

(Long Pause)

He told me. He didn’t think there was a god. And he said…

CAREY: What did he say, Ms. Abernathy?

MS. ABERNATHY: He said, he was one of those atheists.

(The audience boos. The heavyset black woman yells out ” Aw hell naw!”)

CAREY: That is one of the most disturbing stories I have ever heard in my life.

Please bring out the boy now.

(Nathan walks out onto the stage. He is hit with crosses and bibles as he takes his seat.)

NATHAN: This is stupid!

CAREY: Stupid? We’re here to help you get through this phase in your life, Nathan.

NATHAN: What phase?

CAREY: This cult group you’ve joined, Tte atheists. Do you even know what an Atheist is, Nathan?

NATHAN: A person who doesn’t believe in the existence of god.

CAREY: Where did you hear about this?

NATHAN: I read about it on the internet.

CAREY: Really? When I grew up, I never read anything on the internet. Do you know what I read, Nathan?

NATHAN: Playboy Magazine?

CAREY: NO! I read the Bible!

NATHAN: I’ve read that once or twice. I didn’t like the plot very much. They kill off the main character but then they bring him back. It kills the suspension of disbelief.

CAREY: You should go back and read it again. There’s this guy in it and he wants to save you! Do you know his name?


CAREY: No. His name is Jesus.

NATHAN: Aren’t they the same thing?

CAREY: Well. Uh.

MS. ABERNATHY: That’s not the point! You need to get back on the right path! Back into the succulent bosom of the Lord!

NATHAN: But Mom, you always said I should respectful of other people’s beliefs. Why don’t you respect mine?

MS. ABERNATHY: Because you are young and being led astray out of the herd. You need your Shepard. You need Jesus!

(The Audience hums “Amazing Grace.”)

Atheists aren’t happy! They cause trouble! They kill babies and engage in anal sex! Not my son! Not my son! NOT MY SON!

NATHAN: Mom, you’ve got it all backwards. It’s gay men who have anal sex.

MS. ABERNATHY: How could you know that? Unless you were a gay!

(The audience gasps.)

CAREY: OH MY GOD! We’ll be right back after this quick commercial break!

Fat Dogs Don’t Go to Heaven

The door swung open hitting Barrah right in the face. The dog crumpled to the floor and his immense bulk kept the door from opening. Mikael heard a yelp and stopped pushing on the door which was slightly a jar. Mikael peeked inside his house. He could see his car keys on a table that was out of reach. Then he saw the legs of his dog on the floor and realized what he had done.

“Oh no. There’s no way I can move Barrah if he’s in front of the door.” Mikael whispered to himself. Mikael was going to be fired if he was late one more time. He needed those car keys more than anything. He grabbed the dog’s leg and tried to pull it out of the way to no avail. He then pushed on the door to no avail. Panicking, he sprinted to his car and hotwired it as fast as he could. He got to work late and was fired. He arrived home to find Barrah dead still in front of the door. He stood in the doorway shaking his head at the events of the day. The wind blew and the door swung shut.