Who Am I?

The Piece to My Puzzle

I’ll start this off with something very simple. I’ll go with a gender identifier. When I wake up, I feel my beard and stretch out my legs. At my most basic level, I’m a human being but that’s a given. Since I only have an identity amongst other people, there’s no need for that to be my first identifier. The same reason I’m not writing down a two-armed two-legged man. It can be a piece of identity for some, but not for me.

A man.

I have to think about what comes next. I’m a man. Then the next piece that keeps the pieces of me together could be where I grew up. I couldn’t be the same if I wasn’t from Jersey or if I went to the schools I did. But I’m not the biggest fan of New Jersey.. If someone asked me who I was, I wouldn’t mention my hometown. I’d only say that if they asked me where I was from. I wouldn’t ask myself that question. I don’t think that comes next. I’d say my age comes next. I see myself as young.

Young man.

Arrogant and confident both come to mind as something I want to put next. I think I just wish I was arrogant.I have to put down confident because a lot of the time I don’t care what people say or think. I dress how I want. I say what I want. I know that even if all my friends hated me, I’d still be able to carry on in life. It’d bother e but I would get over.

Confident young man.

Now to paint the next stroke of this picture. I’d probably want put Straight Edge next. I do like wearing the shirts and listening to the music. It’s fairly important as it sets the tone of some other sets of my identity.

Straight Edge confident young man

Now next I have to think of how I handle my everyday situations with people. I don’t like idle chit chat. A lot of people get the idea that I hate them. I’m not the biggest fan of saying hi to others and I’m pretty honest about how much I don’t care. I try to be as honest as possible. I view a lot of  social interaction to be fake and not genuine. In fact I would say you could extend this and connect it to my identity as a Straight Edge individual.  I made a mistake earlier. Straight Edge was put on too early and follows this part of my identity. My want to be honest comes before it.” I’m honest “which then leads me to the logical “I’m Straight Edge.”

Honest confident young man

This is missing something. This could be a guy in a suit doing his taxes. This could be a lawyer. This is something a politician would say he is to impress people. I’m missing a key ingredient of my personality. The thing that really makes me who I am. There’s this thing to me that people don’t quite understand. I do a whole bunch of weird things. When I open the door on my way to class, I kick it open. When I wake up in the morning I do a front kick. I play fitting background music while I walk around to class. I laugh at the statuses I make. I say things because in my head they’re entertaining to say. I pretend to take things seriously as a joke. I wrote an entire four page essay for my women’s history final where I just talked about how I knew I was going to fail. I blatantly lied each page promising her on the next page I’d have the real essay. I like to have fun at every minute of everyday. I try to never be in bad mood. When I am, I laugh at myself in head. I laugh at everything I take next to nothing seriously. When I slip and act serious, I’ll  be laughing about it later. Life is a big joke to me. I can’t even really describe this part of me. People just don’t get it. I’ll put it down as zany This word is the closest I can get.

Honest zany confident young man.

What do I see when I think of this statement. When you put down  The picture is majorly changed by this. Honesty and zany are almost two sides of a coin. Where I could once picture a lawyer, I can’t really see anything. The next quality of mine I have to put is Courageous. There’s not much that can stop me. I’ll confront anyone eventually. I’ll talk to any girl regardless of how pretty they are. I always look to conquer my fears. I used to be afraid of a lot of things. I’ve conquered a lot of them.

Honest courageous confident zany young man

I’m not even sure what this sounds like. As I think of times I was courageous, I also have to think of one of my major flaws. I said that eventually I can get over my fears. I hesitate a lot. I stop and always want to think about the options. This helps me often, but from time to time it causes problems. I’m afraid to make a decision with proper judgement. I’m never afraid to make that decision but the time it takes is sometimes too long. I hate to do things that I would regret. I don’t like looking back and thinking “Man I really wish I could back and change that.” I don’t live for the now. This is the first flaw of mine I will put on here.

Hesitant honest courageous confident zany young man

Sometimes I think I’m apathetic. Because I’m confident and not afraid to do what I want when I want. My parents accuse me of this when I don’t budge on issues. I would rather be right than agree that I was wrong just to maintain a relationship. There’s times I say honest things that people think are mean and I don’t care. This is more a projection of what I think people think of me. I wouldn’t say it’s who I think I am. It’s more who I think other people think I am. Apathy may follow my honesty, but I don’t think it comes next. What comes next should be rational. I require rational evidence for everything. I need to always feel I’m right and justified in the ways I think. I constantly brag online about my beliefs hoping to find a person to completely destroy so I can reevaluate them. It’s a type of self-reflection for me. I’ll make a post on a forum dismissing or praising something. I’ll wait for a response. As the years go by, it’s rare that I find people out there that shatter my standings on things. Eventually the discussion breaks down to subjective differences of opinion and I stop caring because I’ve won.

Rational hesitant honest courageous confident zany young man

Next we have to add in cynic. It is part of the name of the blog and for good reason. As a rational person, I am looking for logical evidence. Logical evidence points to the fact that this world sucks and full of sucky people. I can’t see much rational evidence that points to the idea of a good idea. I scoff at people who think that everyone isn’t selfish in some way. At this point of my identity I should change confident to arrogant. It’s a bold claim on my part to think everybody is selfish. I’m generalizing. As confidence leaves facts, it becomes arrogance. I know myself but once I extend my opinion to other people, it’s too much to be confidence.

Cynical rational hesitant honest courageous arrogant zany young man

Now I have two flaws on there. Arrogance serves to describe some other flaws of mine. I find it very hard to see eye to eye with other people. I have difficulty putting myself in other people’s shoes. I feel like I’m dropping to their level instead of side stepping into it. I value my main opinions on things above all, and see everyone else’s below mine but on an equal level within reason on certain topics. The gap isn’t that large. Just a small bit more. I should try to add another flaw. My father calls me lazy all the time. I disagree and say that I only do things when I’m properly motivated to do them. But that falls under honesty.  I don’t do work unless I honestly want to. So what comes next? I don’t buy things for status. I don’t like to spend that much money unless I have to. I don’t care what I drive so long it works. I’m always looking for deals and ways to get out of paying money. I believe the word other people use is cheap. I see myself as Thrifty.

Cynical rational hesitant honest courageous thrifty arrogant ZANY young man

*Note here, I’m finding that zany is downplayed and drowned out when it’s a major part. I’ll put it in bold and make it all caps from now.

Now what do I see when I put all these together? I’m seeing more of myself. It’s just missing  three important identifiers. Man can change to something more personal. I really feel need to add the fact that I’m black since my perspective of the world is different because of the tone of my skin. I’ll use a word to divide it from the last word as I don’t see myself as a black writer. An at this time, not doing drugs is a major identifier. I’m certain years from now it would added later. Straight edge is a youth oriented movement so once young leaves my identity, that will be downplayed. As of now, I’m having a lot of fun with it.

Straight edge cynical rational honest hesitant courageous thrifty arrogant ZANY black young writer

Now I’m starting to see me. I could add stuff like wrestling fan, computer surfer, and more stuff along those lines. I could add my status as a brother, son, cousin etc. This looks nice though. Several neutral qualities, some positive ones, and some flaws. I could put the fact that I see myself as happy, but I think that’s fine enough for me.

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