Who Am I?

The Piece to My Puzzle

I’ll start this off with something very simple. I’ll go with a gender identifier. When I wake up, I feel my beard and stretch out my legs. At my most basic level, I’m a human being but that’s a given. Since I only have an identity amongst other people, there’s no need for that to be my first identifier. The same reason I’m not writing down a two-armed two-legged man. It can be a piece of identity for some, but not for me.

A man.

I have to think about what comes next. I’m a man. Then the next piece that keeps the pieces of me together could be where I grew up. I couldn’t be the same if I wasn’t from Jersey or if I went to the schools I did. But I’m not the biggest fan of New Jersey.. If someone asked me who I was, I wouldn’t mention my hometown. I’d only say that if they asked me where I was from. I wouldn’t ask myself that question. I don’t think that comes next. I’d say my age comes next. I see myself as young.

Young man.

Arrogant and confident both come to mind as something I want to put next. I think I just wish I was arrogant.I have to put down confident because a lot of the time I don’t care what people say or think. I dress how I want. I say what I want. I know that even if all my friends hated me, I’d still be able to carry on in life. It’d bother e but I would get over.

Confident young man.

Now to paint the next stroke of this picture. I’d probably want put Straight Edge next. I do like wearing the shirts and listening to the music. It’s fairly important as it sets the tone of some other sets of my identity.

Straight Edge confident young man

Now next I have to think of how I handle my everyday situations with people. I don’t like idle chit chat. A lot of people get the idea that I hate them. I’m not the biggest fan of saying hi to others and I’m pretty honest about how much I don’t care. I try to be as honest as possible. I view a lot of  social interaction to be fake and not genuine. In fact I would say you could extend this and connect it to my identity as a Straight Edge individual.  I made a mistake earlier. Straight Edge was put on too early and follows this part of my identity. My want to be honest comes before it.” I’m honest “which then leads me to the logical “I’m Straight Edge.”

Honest confident young man

This is missing something. This could be a guy in a suit doing his taxes. This could be a lawyer. This is something a politician would say he is to impress people. I’m missing a key ingredient of my personality. The thing that really makes me who I am. There’s this thing to me that people don’t quite understand. I do a whole bunch of weird things. When I open the door on my way to class, I kick it open. When I wake up in the morning I do a front kick. I play fitting background music while I walk around to class. I laugh at the statuses I make. I say things because in my head they’re entertaining to say. I pretend to take things seriously as a joke. I wrote an entire four page essay for my women’s history final where I just talked about how I knew I was going to fail. I blatantly lied each page promising her on the next page I’d have the real essay. I like to have fun at every minute of everyday. I try to never be in bad mood. When I am, I laugh at myself in head. I laugh at everything I take next to nothing seriously. When I slip and act serious, I’ll  be laughing about it later. Life is a big joke to me. I can’t even really describe this part of me. People just don’t get it. I’ll put it down as zany This word is the closest I can get.

Honest zany confident young man.

What do I see when I think of this statement. When you put down  The picture is majorly changed by this. Honesty and zany are almost two sides of a coin. Where I could once picture a lawyer, I can’t really see anything. The next quality of mine I have to put is Courageous. There’s not much that can stop me. I’ll confront anyone eventually. I’ll talk to any girl regardless of how pretty they are. I always look to conquer my fears. I used to be afraid of a lot of things. I’ve conquered a lot of them.

Honest courageous confident zany young man

I’m not even sure what this sounds like. As I think of times I was courageous, I also have to think of one of my major flaws. I said that eventually I can get over my fears. I hesitate a lot. I stop and always want to think about the options. This helps me often, but from time to time it causes problems. I’m afraid to make a decision with proper judgement. I’m never afraid to make that decision but the time it takes is sometimes too long. I hate to do things that I would regret. I don’t like looking back and thinking “Man I really wish I could back and change that.” I don’t live for the now. This is the first flaw of mine I will put on here.

Hesitant honest courageous confident zany young man

Sometimes I think I’m apathetic. Because I’m confident and not afraid to do what I want when I want. My parents accuse me of this when I don’t budge on issues. I would rather be right than agree that I was wrong just to maintain a relationship. There’s times I say honest things that people think are mean and I don’t care. This is more a projection of what I think people think of me. I wouldn’t say it’s who I think I am. It’s more who I think other people think I am. Apathy may follow my honesty, but I don’t think it comes next. What comes next should be rational. I require rational evidence for everything. I need to always feel I’m right and justified in the ways I think. I constantly brag online about my beliefs hoping to find a person to completely destroy so I can reevaluate them. It’s a type of self-reflection for me. I’ll make a post on a forum dismissing or praising something. I’ll wait for a response. As the years go by, it’s rare that I find people out there that shatter my standings on things. Eventually the discussion breaks down to subjective differences of opinion and I stop caring because I’ve won.

Rational hesitant honest courageous confident zany young man

Next we have to add in cynic. It is part of the name of the blog and for good reason. As a rational person, I am looking for logical evidence. Logical evidence points to the fact that this world sucks and full of sucky people. I can’t see much rational evidence that points to the idea of a good idea. I scoff at people who think that everyone isn’t selfish in some way. At this point of my identity I should change confident to arrogant. It’s a bold claim on my part to think everybody is selfish. I’m generalizing. As confidence leaves facts, it becomes arrogance. I know myself but once I extend my opinion to other people, it’s too much to be confidence.

Cynical rational hesitant honest courageous arrogant zany young man

Now I have two flaws on there. Arrogance serves to describe some other flaws of mine. I find it very hard to see eye to eye with other people. I have difficulty putting myself in other people’s shoes. I feel like I’m dropping to their level instead of side stepping into it. I value my main opinions on things above all, and see everyone else’s below mine but on an equal level within reason on certain topics. The gap isn’t that large. Just a small bit more. I should try to add another flaw. My father calls me lazy all the time. I disagree and say that I only do things when I’m properly motivated to do them. But that falls under honesty.  I don’t do work unless I honestly want to. So what comes next? I don’t buy things for status. I don’t like to spend that much money unless I have to. I don’t care what I drive so long it works. I’m always looking for deals and ways to get out of paying money. I believe the word other people use is cheap. I see myself as Thrifty.

Cynical rational hesitant honest courageous thrifty arrogant ZANY young man

*Note here, I’m finding that zany is downplayed and drowned out when it’s a major part. I’ll put it in bold and make it all caps from now.

Now what do I see when I put all these together? I’m seeing more of myself. It’s just missing  three important identifiers. Man can change to something more personal. I really feel need to add the fact that I’m black since my perspective of the world is different because of the tone of my skin. I’ll use a word to divide it from the last word as I don’t see myself as a black writer. An at this time, not doing drugs is a major identifier. I’m certain years from now it would added later. Straight edge is a youth oriented movement so once young leaves my identity, that will be downplayed. As of now, I’m having a lot of fun with it.

Straight edge cynical rational honest hesitant courageous thrifty arrogant ZANY black young writer

Now I’m starting to see me. I could add stuff like wrestling fan, computer surfer, and more stuff along those lines. I could add my status as a brother, son, cousin etc. This looks nice though. Several neutral qualities, some positive ones, and some flaws. I could put the fact that I see myself as happy, but I think that’s fine enough for me.

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Nothing Else. Nothing More

He doesn’t get to be anything else. No matter how much time passes, this boy’s story is finished.  He doesn’t get to grow up. He doesn’t even get to go to high school.He didn’t get a chance to make a facebook. He’s trapped on myspace. He doesn’t move on. He’s done. 50 years from now, the story will be the same for him.

He’ll always fall to his death. There’s no revelation. He just stays a dead kid. Forever. I didn’t even know him that well. He was in my gym class and I think I spoke to him once.  He made a mistake. And it can never be undone. He fell 30 feet to his death. Nothing can ever change that. No matter how far you go into the future, he’ll always be dead. It’s over for him. It’s been over five years since it ended for him. At fourteen years old, he’s finished with life.

I don’t know why my mind drifts to this stranger who I didn’t know from time to time. Maybe it’s because it bothers me. Middle school is the end. So much changes after middle school. He’ll never know. He’ll never make another friend. He’ll never have another opinion. He didn’t get to see the first black president elected. He didn’t get to suffer through the mundane classes that my high school had set for him. He’s stuck. There’s no moving forward. Just fourteen years. That’s no time at all. He had potential. He was somebody’s son. He was somebody’s friend. Gone. Forever. I didn’t know him and I never will. He doesn’t amount to anything now except a sad news story. All that’s left of him is a myspace, some memories that are fading away. Maybe there’s some pictures of him left. Maybe his clothes are still around. No mind. No body. No person.

Nothing more. Nothing else.

Stupid old fucks.

The internet is going to die and it’s going down at the hands of stupid old people who can’t tell the difference between a toaster and a calculator. Are you fucking kidding me? This is America? This is the great country that I hear praised all the time on July 4th and September 11th? What a disgrace. What a complete and utter disgrace.

This country’s government sickens me. We keep losing rights each year. Corporations are somehow people. They can control the politicians and the politicians control us. Obama said he would bring change. But what happened? Nothing. I was so excited in 2008 about the first black president and he’s done nothing. Zilch! Zippo! NADA! I don’t usually like talking about politics but to see a group of old people decide for the entire country when they don’t know the issues makes me want to vomit. What is there to look forward to after this bill is passed? How does this help the common person? These people don’t even understand the difference between piracy and actual stealing. How can people so unqualified be in these positions? We place so much emphasis on getting degrees and being qualified for things to day to stand out. It’s worthless. It’s all a waste of time.

There are few things that can break my heart in this world. This isn’t one of them. I wish it did, but deep down I always knew this was the truth. It’s the reason I’ve always avoided politics. It’s the reason I don’t vote. It just doesn’t work.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I misunderstood something. Somebody please help me make sense of this nonsense.

Why John Cena will never turn heel.

There was once a man. He had ruthless aggression. He was something new. He soon began to rap. He disrespected top stars in the WWE. The people loved him. They cheered for him.  He became their champion. He became the most popular star of the modern era. Children loved him. Women oogled him. Men thought he was pretty cool. He became a marine. He told the fans that he would never give up.

Today it’s pretty common for half of the crowd to boo John Cena. Sometimes even more than half. John Cena has moved from one of the most liked superstars to possibly the most polarizing wrestler of all time. WWE shows are filled with dueling chants. “Let’s go, Cena. Cena sucks!”

This is not the response that a face is supposed to get. Faces are the heroes of the wrestling world. John Cena gets more boos than the majority of the heels (villains) in the company.

The usual response would be to turn John Cena into a villain. The WWE likes to control their audience. They want to elicit the right response from the crowd. However that will never happen. John Cena will never turn heel for a number of reasons. (In the event that you’re reading this after John Cena has turned heel, prepare yourself as the end of the world must be near.)

If Cena turned heel who would he fight? How would he turn heel? If he attacks the Rock, it won’t make him look heel. The Rock has attacked Cena many times. It would just be seen as a response. If he attacks Punk, it would work better. I guess then you have him do a segment where he tells the fans why he did it and that he hates how they boo him when he busts his ass. That would be good, but where does he go from there? He faces CM Punk in a feud that just wouldn’t be as great this time around.

In their previous feud, Cena was already the villain without changing his character. He was the face of the WWE. Fans could get behind CM Punk or John Cena. I don’t think any of their matches would have benefited from Cena being heel. He already got the crowd reaction that a heel would get. After Punk, a heel John Cena has no one to fight on RAW. There’s no second big face after Punk. Would he fight Kofi Kingston or Zack Ryder? Those feud options don’t seem that interesting to me.

Like I stated earlier, Cena already gets boos so why turn him heel? If you turn him heel, he’ll only be hated by his fans now. The fans who boo him now would be indifferent because Cena gets a lot of his hate from being around all the time and winning a lot. His wins would go down as a heel, but I really feel like that portion of the audience just won’t ever be able to get over Cena’s overexposure and get behind him.

Alienating Cena’s fans is very dangerous. His merch sales are very high. People pay to see John Cena. CM Punk is getting up there, but he’s not at Cena’s level yet. He gets more cheers and he moves merchandise, but he’s not a Cena’s level of overexposure and I doubt he will ever reach it. CM Punk’s character is one that appeals to older wrestling fans. John Cena appeals to kids and parents which I think the WWE is really trying to target now.

John Cena also does the most Make a Wish foundation visits. I don’t think that it would be a good idea to turn him heel and end that stuff. I think what John Cena needs is a slight character change and to be less exposed. I think the WWE needs to be less afraid about having John Cena go to the mid card. I would love to see him and Zack Ryder be a tag team together to get that division started up again.

The First World Problem of Myopia

Do you know that at this second, somewhere a child is starving to death? Somewhere a parent can’t afford to put money on the table for their child. Somewhere a parent can’t even afford to have a table to put nothing on. Somewhere right now someone is being brutally murdered.

It really makes the problem of what grade I’m going to get on my women’s paper not matter at all. Is it wrong for a person to be concerned about mundane things such as those when other people have to worry about merely surviving?

I can make a choice between getting a Blackberry or an IPhone. Someone somewhere else doesn’t even get the choice to wear clothes. We know that there are people out there suffering. Yet we block it out if it doesn’t affect us and those around us.

I like to people watch when I walk around campus. I like to listen in on conversations while I eat at the Dining Hall. I hear the problems that many of the people at my college have.

These problems are major to their lives but if you think about it, they’re really stupid things to complain about. Things could be so much worse. I get lost in my own problems. I’m guilty of the same thing. Should I be worried about the rates of tiger attacks in India? Or how many children are starving to death at this very second?

Once you start to think of all the problems in the world, the burden on your heart can get very heavy. There’s nearly nothing I can do to stop those things. Just like everyone else, I block it out and focus on the problems in my own little world made up of my friends, acquaintances, and family. Even to that extent, I can think of several cases where I wouldn’t worry about the problems an acquaintance of mine has.

Is this a problem with humanity? We can just move on and function even with all these horrible things going on to our own kin. Should things be different?