A Beginner’s Guide to Straight Edge

Some people out there are confused about the Straight Edge lifestyle. They are confused and they ask several questions. Don’t worry! I’ll clear up all the confusion by answering questions sent in by people from across the world! My associate, Andy from Salt Lake City will be aiding me in answering these questions!

Question 1 from A. Jarvis: What is straight edge?

Me: This is one thing many people are horribly confused about.

Andy: Straight Edge is defined as no drinking alcohol, no smoking, no recreational drugs, and no promiscuous sex on page one of the Straight Edge handbook. That’s pretty much it. Anything else you’ve heard is just bullshit.

Me: We should probably talk about caffeine too. That’s controversial.

Andy: I don’t touch the stuff but I’m not going to kill someone for drinking coffee. People can be addicted to that  stuff like other drugs. Some need it to wake up in the morning. I don’t need it because I’m never tired. I get the right amount of sleep every night unlike the rest of America.

Me: I drink coffee either but sometimes I forget soda has caffeine in it. So I’m tricked into drinking it!

Question 2 from T. Tang: Where does Straight Edge come from?

Me: Minor Threat. Ian MacKaye didn’t like the way people in the punk music scene treated people who didn’t do drugs. They made fun of them. So in 1980, he wrote the song straight edge talking about he was just a person like all of them except he didn’t do all the drugs they did. This gave straight kids like him an edge. Straight-Edge. Then he wrote Out of Step. You should look up Minor Threat’s discography and listen to get it.

Andy: Ian MacKaye is one badass motherfucker. I hope I can rock the bald look when I’m his age.

Me: I don’t think he’d appreciate how you live your life, dude.

Andy: What are you talking about?

Question 3 from J. Nelson: Why do people need to call themselves straight edge? Why do you need to tell everyone? Why can’t you just keep it to yourself?

Andy: It’s because doing drugs is so absorbed by our culture that when people see you without knowing you, they assume you’re a pathetic drinker just like them. That shit pisses me off. That’s why I got an X tattooed on my face. It’s the only way people will know what I am.

Me: It’s nice to have a name for what you are.

Andy: Yeah. If it wasn’t called straight edge, it’d be called something else.

Me: There are people who don’t take the label and share the beliefs.

Andy: Those people are fucking idiots who think straight edge is a cult.

Me: It’s also an easy way to find other people who share your beliefs. Like in college, this one guy was wearing a Have Heart Straight Edge shirt. It was then I knew we would be best friends forever.

Andy: It almost makes me feel more important because I’m a part of something bigger than me.

Me: It’s like religion without dealing with that god bullshit.  A power that comes from within not outside.

Question 4 from P. Obsessive: Why are Straight Edge people jerks?

Me: This is a generalization. Similar to asking why are all americans fat?

Andy: Because they are sick of the shit thrown in their face everyday by a poisoned majority. Straight Edge is a movement towards human progress. White supremacists thought Martin Luther King Jr was a jerk but he got shit done because he was vocal about it.

Me: Straight edge also breaks down into several groups of beliefs. Not everyone who is straight edge shares the same beliefs.

Andy: Yeah. That’s very common.

Me: There are the only for me people. They are drug free but don’t care if people do drugs around them either because they just don’t like the feeling of drugs or they don’t care what other people do.

Andy: The uncle toms of the straight edge movement.

Me: That’s not nice. I have a friend like that. he plays beer pong and has someone else drink for him

Andy: That’s the most disturbing thing I have ever heard. How can he wear an X proudly when he falls in line with society’s problems. Being tolerant of them is the problem. Intolerance isn’t a bad thing. Your friend needs to learn that

Me: Then there’s people like me. I’d greatly prefer to never see drugs or alcohol again but I have to live with it in my life because my friends do the stuff and going through life with no friends is boring.

Andy: Get new friends who don’t do drugs. Surround yourself with people who share your beliefs. Otherwise you’ll be miserable. Once I became straight edge, I ditched all my old friends and got new ones who were  functioning human beings

Me: That’s not possible. This leads to my last group of Straight Edge, militant.

Andy: You’re just as militant as I am. Being militant doesn’t mean you carve Xes in people’s backs and burn down bars. It just means you care a lot about a movement.

Me: You do carve Xes in people’s backs, man. I’m pretty sure you burned down a bar last week.

Andy: This is a war on drugs, dude. We are the soldiers. Me, you, and your buddy from college. We have to set humanity on the right path. Look at the lives lost per year because people have to have “fun”. The youth of today has to learn the difference between right and wrong. In my eyes, Straight Edge is right. Our mindset is the best one. We’re the only ones that have heart in today’s world. We have to stand up and show that we aren’t a minor threat to society. We must carry on in this battle. I’m sick of it all man. I’m ready to fight everyone and slapshot every druggie I see.

Me: I kinda agree but one day you’re going to go to jail for the things you do.

Andy: Martin Luther King Jr. went to jail. I’m ready, dude. Bring it on. I’ll bust some drug dealer heads in jail

Question Five *Blog Exclusive* from Z. Chong: What is the worst drug out there?

Andy: You’d think it’d be like heroin, but actually it’s alcohol.

Kofi: I completely agree. People think alcohol is harmless and it’s shoved in the face of children. I remember I used to watch TV as a kid and I used to want to drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade thinking it was a better version of lemonade.

Andy: Society makes alcohol worse than everything because it’s accepted. Cigs are bad but smokers are second rate citizens. They are being taxed to poverty. They can’t smoke in buildings or where I eat. Commercials tell you all the time that cigs are bad, but not alcohol. I won’t rest until people who drink are treated as second class citizens.

Me: Okay. Well that’s all the time we got. I hope people out there are less confused about this lifestyle I live.

Andy: Hopefully we convinced some of these spineless losers to put down that beer and make something of their lives. I doubt it though. Social norms have a tight firm grip on the balls of people so I doubt any of them are strong enough to be straight edge. They’ll pussy out and continue to live meaning lives.

Me: Alright bye bye now!

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10 thoughts on “A Beginner’s Guide to Straight Edge

    1. I’ve given you ample time to respond sir. I’m going to assume you have seen the errors of your way and now live a drug free non-homophobic lifestyle.

  1. Straight Edge is just another name for Mormons that fight. Just a bunch of ignorant brainwashed people that came up with a stupid name to sound hardcore and care about what other people are doing rather than themselves.

    1. Interesting perspective. I believe you’re generalizing here a bit too much. While there are Mormon straight edge gang members, not everyone who is straight edge is one of them. Straight Edge is not limited to Utah or Mormons. It’s all around the world. I’m not certain why you believe people who refrain from doing drugs and alcohol are “a bunch of ignorant brainwashed people.” I have never been brain washed, but I may be ignorant on some things. But then all human beings are.

      I am not a religious man. And I never sought to be known as “hardcore” to anyone. Thanks for the reply.

  2. I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs or have sex freely. I hate punk music, I love fall out boy and their drummer is straight edge (Andy Hurley). Am I straight edge even if I dislike straight edge music?

  3. Militant Straight Edge is a dumb and intolerant position to take. You’re not a bad person for letting your friends do shit like smoke/drink. There’s nothing wrong with kicking back with a little weed and a beer every once in a while after a long day and/or week. Really. I know you get this idea that it’s terrible because you went through D.A.R.E. (read up on that more dude, there’s a reason people laugh at it now), but it’s not. Are there destructive people who shouldn’t drink or do drugs? Of course. Are there perfectly normal, functioning members of society who drink/smoke? Hell yes.
    My brother-in-law owns a $560 million solar energy company. It’s clean energy, it helps poverty, and it’s based in a third world country. And I’ve never seen anybody booze harder at parties. But guess what? He’s a riot. He doesn’t get behind the wheel of a car, he doesn’t get violent, he just has a great time. My mother and father are similar. My mom works as a nurse, saving lives on the daily, and my dad owns a hugely successful small business.
    Your friends act as if every person who ever drinks is some sort of evil person. Whoever Andy is is a gigantic toolbox. You guys act as if drinking a beer is the equivalent to smoking meth. I can assure you, it isn’t. It’s just a way to relax and have some fun.
    For people who abuse drugs/alcohol, it’s because of a personality they already have that is exacerbated by drug/alcohol use. There is no correlation otherwise. That’s when it’s up to their friends/family to intervene and get them help. Sometimes, they won’t have that. Sometimes, they just get dealt a bad hand in life and there’s no hope.
    Based on your other blog posts, you’re a deeply cynical and unhappy person, and that’s probably not your fault. It’s fine if you don’t drink/smoke. I have tons of friends who don’t. Just be more tolerant. Life is too short to be so pissed and judgmental all the time.
    Oh yeah, and your hero, CM Punk? He went to the bars with his buddies all the time. Of course he didn’t drink, but he didn’t give a shit if Samoa Joe or Hernandez got piss drunk. Be more like him.

    1. Andy isn’t a real person. He was a combination of different militant straight edge people I had read about. This was an attempt at satire and a way for me to work through some frustrations I had at the time. I wanted to take that frustration and work with it. Good for your brother-in-law, mother, and your father. If that works for them, fine.

      I don’t plan on being more tolerant on this issue. It’s something I have a strong opinion about and that will not change. I’ve tried being more but I don’t enjoy being around people who are incredibly drunk or drinking at all. It’s not my scene and I hold a particular dislike for it. CM Punk is a different guy than me. What works for him doesn’t necessarily work for me.

      Being pissed and judgmental is who I am. Life is short, but this is how I choose to spend that short time.

      I appreciate your comment and the sentiment.

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