Love wins! Fatality!

Posted in Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 26, 2015 by dakofman

Finally marriage equality has come to America! Now too can the queer folk march down the aisle.

Fifteen-year-old me would have loved this. But I am saddened by this.

I had hoped that keeping marriage out of the reach of gay people would eventually lead to a discussion on the current state of marriage and why it even continues to exist.

The questions being asked by most people on the side of marriage equality was “Why can’t gays get married too? What’s wrong with love between two men or two women? ”

When it really should have been “Why does the government have their hand in marriage in the first place? Why are they getting to dictate who can marry who in the first place? Why are there privileges to being married over not?

So this was the last chance to get a look at marriage and why it exists. Unfortunately the easier route was taken. Everyone is placated in celebration so the further look into marriage will not happen.

Hopefully someone tries to marry a dolphin in the future to get us back onto the subject of marriage.

I suppose it is good for gay youth growing up. Now they can feel like their love is as accepted as everyone else’s. So that is one thing I can accept as a victory. That’s cool for them.

But what is next?

The next slip on the slope for people who idolize the past and wish things could go back to how they were.

The next step in progress for people trying to change the world and make life better for people they sympathize with.

There will be more change.

I don’t think it will be for the better like a lot of my peers claim. Nor will it be for the worse like some older people say.

The world will continue to be shit. We’re just spinning around in a circle, pretending we’re going somewhere.

All the problems we say exist we made them all up. They were not here before people decided they were. We’re the only creatures on this planet concerned with progress and slippery slopes.

Dogs don’t give a fuck about rights. House flies don’t live long enough to care who can love who. Lions do not care if they’re properly portrayed in the media. No creature ever had to worry about being in debt to someone before we showed up and said that was a thing.

None of this shit actually matters. We just say it does. It was a cycle of shit before we got here and it’ll be a cycle of shit after we go.

It’s all bullshit! However just because life is meaningless doesn’t mean we can’t have fun while we’re here!

[ File # csp11681771, License # 2614053 ] Licensed through http://www.canstockphoto.com in accordance with the End User License Agreement (http://www.canstockphoto.com/legal.php) (c) Can Stock Photo Inc. / yayayoyo

[ File # csp11681771, License # 2614053 ]
Licensed through http://www.canstockphoto.com in accordance with the End User License Agreement (http://www.canstockphoto.com/legal.php)
(c) Can Stock Photo Inc. / yayayoyo

Or Worse.

Posted in Writing with tags , , , , , , on June 15, 2015 by dakofman

I’m always drawn to darker topics. I try to read more positive things, but there’s just nothing all that interesting about good deeds or uplifting stories. Some guy saves a cat in a tree. It’s cute and all but what else is there to it? Some cat mauls a guy. Why did that happen? How is he recovering? Will he ever trust a cat again? What happened to the cat? Why did it attack? What is the history of cats attacking people? There’s much more there.

I had a fascination with last words for about a month. I had to come to the point in a story where I was killing off a character. I had to decide what his last words would be. I had an entire death speech written out. But then I wondered if that was realistic. What are people’s last words? I read a lot of material on the last words of people; suicide notes, airplane crash black box transcripts, emergency room help stories, cancer patient blogs. I made sure to include of various ages. I read the last words of children who didn’t quite understand what death was, the words elderly who were often prepared for it, and then the middle-aged who didn’t see it coming. There would be fear in people’s writings or messages to their family. Some people raved, begging and screaming for more time. I found those suited the character I was writing so that was the death I gave him.

Now my current fascination is divorce. I don’t know what has brought this up. None of my friends are getting divorced. I just love reading articles about what causes marriages to fail and reading the stories of people fighting an uphill battle to keep their marriages together.

A successful marriage takes two people. A successful divorce only needs one. Isn’t that funny? You can get down on your knees in front of your friend and family, then back out of what you said. Not that I advocate people staying in bad relationships. I’m not against divorce. I just think it’s funny that a person can promise their life to another for better or worse but once worse comes, they can just wash their hands of it.

After a divorce, a person has to recover their identity outside the marriage. For years they did everything with their partner in mind. They bought a house together. They might have taken a job that better fit their relationship. They were like flesh and blood. Now it’s torn asunder. They are not the same person that went into that marriage. They have to redefine themselves.

I read a lot about people feeling like they can breath again. They’re free from a bad environment that was making them miserable.

Another fascinating thing about divorce is how alarmingly high the rate of it is. It isn’t the fifty percent that’s been tossed around since the seventies. I believe around twenty-five to thirty percent of first time marriages end in divorce. So about a third of people were dead wrong when they picked their partner. What is the cause of this? Were issues ignored? How many of these people were rushed into marriage by their families? Did they quit too early? Did they just see marriage as a logical next step and didn’t realize the work that had to be put in? Did they find someone that they loved more?

Or was it irreconcilable differences?

No one is at fault. It was just two people who tried and there was no way to make it work. They’re only human after all. There are people who blame themselves for the failing of the marriage. They carry that weight and it hangs over their future connections. They can’t escape that failure. They made a vow that they couldn’t keep. How can they make the promise to someone else?

I’m hoping my next fascination will be something a bit more upbeat. Last year I was all about barren women and how they’ve been treated throughout history. It has not been good for them. Before that it was missing people who were never found. Are they still out there? I do find myself drifting towards the never-ending cycle of poverty. Why can’t you just throw money at that problem?

Divorce

Divorce

Beauty.

Posted in Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2015 by dakofman

Celebrity worship is one of the easiest things a person can aptly criticize society for. You’ll never be wrong if you point it. There are always more important topics that deserve our attention than the latest outing of Miley Cyrus or the condition of Renee Zellwegger’s face. But still these sort of people get 24/7 coverage and are mauled as they leave restaurants. The demand is there. We want to know more. Who is Justin Bieber dating? Is Jennifer Lawrence really that goofy or is it all an act? Why can’t Amanda Bynes get her life together?

What is it about these people that makes us so curious?

They look good. They won the genetic lottery. Their faces are more symmetrical than the average person. They’re more charismatic. They are beautiful!

We love them for it. We shovel money at them. We love to give them money. Beautiful people can get rich just by looking good and walking down the street. We give them love. People send hundreds of love letters to celebrities. Some take it a bit too far. They get so enamored by their facial features that they have to follow them home and find out every little thing about them. People would buy the water that they bathe in.

And people want to emulate them. They want to look like them. They dress like them. And act like them. They’re trend-setters. Miley Cyrus and her stupid fucking video created the twerk. People still twerk to this day. Because she’s one of the beautiful people.

But what is the real value of beauty?

It doesn’t make you a better worker. It won’t make you a better father or mother. It won’t increase your intelligence. It doesn’t give you better reason. There is nothing virtuous about being beautiful.

Only in the world of love and lust does beauty reign supreme in value.

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This woman was kissed by the late Heath Ledger. He was a man like so many others. But his beauty sent this woman into shock with just the touch of his lips to hers. What a crazy power beauty has.

It makes your heart pump in your chest. You might stutter and slur your words when you encounter it. You can just be left in awe of it. It makes men destroy marriages just so they can have a taste of it. It makes smart women endure pain that no one should just so it can be theirs. It makes fools of us all.

We treat beautiful people differently. The rules do not apply to them. Celebrities get slaps on the wrist for their crimes. People trip over themselves trying to make beauty theirs and lock it down. Beautiful people are given better paying jobs. More people want them to be around.

But no one thinks any thing of it. For beauty is not to be criticized. Its treatment is not be rationalized. It is divine. We all just sit tight and worship it, hoping that it rubs off on us.

The Great Bunny Robbery

Posted in Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on June 7, 2015 by dakofman

And now the time has come for a story about friendship, bunnies, and the nature of man.

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In South Jersey, there was a town called Eggy Township. It was as about as South Jersey as any town could be. The locals were Philadelphia sports fans and spent much of their time denying the existence of Central Jersey. It was close enough to the beach that people pretended to care about the on-going destruction of the shoreline, but not close enough for any of the residents to do anything about it.

There were many houses in Eggy Township. 1,269 to be exact, but only one house relevant to the story about to be told. That house had a hockey rink in the back and a pool in the backyard. There was also a scary dark forest that everyone tried to avoid going into. The home was guarded by a depressed looking lawn gnome and a cat that loved to roam around. Inside the house lived the Tail family. And in the basement of that house lived Reese Tail.

Reese was the youngest of two children. A slim young man with the spirit of stage-dives, kindness and punk in his heart. His hair was sharply cut. He had a strong nimble neck. He is also the hero of this story.

His basement was full of wonders. One could visit this basement many times and still make a new discovery. Reese had not a clue what lay in every nook and cranny. Just the other day, he’d found a box of Poptarts from the late 80s. They might have been his father’s. They quickly became one of his favorite snacks.

Around every corner of that basement was a picture of Jesus. If you headed down the staircase, there was the usual picture of a suffering white Jesus carrying the weight of the cross. In the corner to the right over the old Asteroid Arcade machine was an angry black Jesus smoking a cigar. Above the collection of Chinese opera records and photos of Reese and his love rival/fiancée Karyn, sat a smiling Republican Jesus.

Karyn shared the basement with Reese. She was a young woman who too was very punk. She was heavily speculated to be much physically stronger than Reese. This speculation led to debates about who would win in a fight amongst their friends, families and co-workers. There were those who favored Reese as he was a slippery sort of guy who could slip his way in and out of holds. Most favored Karyn as she had a lot of tattoos and tattoos made a person tough.

Karyn was a tattoo enthusiast. She had song lyrics from her favorite band, The Amores, on her. There was a glow-in-the dark tattoo on the back of her neck. On her left elbow, she had a scratch-and-sniff tattoo that smelled exactly like the inside of an empty movie theater. She had other tattoos too. Use your imagination to come up with more if you life.

Karyn loved all of her tattoos, but she had one that she held above the others. That would be the heart-shaped tattoo of her two adorable bunnies on the back of her left hand. This woman very much loved her two buns, Tempter and Other. Other who will remain unnamed. She’s not relevant to this story at all.

Reese was not on her level. He had only one starter tattoo on the back of his leg. It was a disturbingly high detailed one of a rhino giving birth to Jim Carey inspired by the scene from Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls.

Today they were saying goodbye to Reese’s great and Karyn’s almost friend, Kwame Darkwah. Kwame was as punk as they were but had no tattoos. Unless you counted the tattoo of darkness that nature had inked into his skin permanently. He was a quiet but very mischievous young man.

Kwame had come down from Central Jersey and slept over for the weekend. It had been a great time for all of them. They suffered through an old eighties horror movie that had no plot. They punked out at a hardcore concert. And then finally spent an evening contemplating whether or not Joe Dirt 2 would be worth a watch.

“Great time as always, Kwame.” said Reese.

“I hope I get to see you guys again before the wedding. How’s the wedding planning going? ” replied Kwame.

“It’s a lot of work. I can’t wait until this is over and we’re on our honey moon.” said Karyn.

“We’re traveling across the world in eight hours on a fighter jet. We’ll fly through the air at Mach Speed 2!” almost shouted Reese excitedly.

Kwame put his black hoodie on one arm at a time. He looked down at his cell phone and then at the two bunny cages. And then he and Tempter met eyes. Tempter was a black Netherland Dwarf, the cuddliest of all bunnies in this universe. He wrinkled his cute little nose at Kwame. Tempter seemed to speak to the young African man.

“Take me away from this place. I want to see more than this cage and backyard. I want to see the world. ” said Tempter with his eyes and body language.

Somehow Kwame understood the creature’s plea. Karyn and Reese didn’t notice a thing. They were too busy debating how fast the plane would have to travel to get them home and back in only eight hours. They were distracted, but Kwame needed them gone to make his move.

Tempter had to be set free from the shackles of his life. Kwame was not a religious man, but he looked to Jesus in his time of need. He decided to look to angry Black Jesus. He seemed to be the one who got shit done. A miracle had to happen and it had to happen now. Tempter’s freedom depended on it.

“Reesey! Karyn! Bill’s here!” shouted down Mama Tail.

“Bill! I haven’t seen him in forever!” shouted Reese.

“I love Bill!” announced Karyn.

The two of them ran up the stairs! They tripped and pulled on each other as they made their way up. Each of them wanted to be first one to greet their very good pal, Bill.

“Thank you Black Jesus.” said Kwame.

Kwame knelled down and broke the shackles of oppression from Tempter’s cage. The bunny hopped out. He knew the drill. Freedom was at hand. Kwame picked Tempter up. The bunny wrinkled his nose.

“Thank you for freeing me. Now we are bun-buds. That bond is forever.”

Kwame stuffed his bun bud into his hoodie. He grabbed a bunch of food pellets and shoved them in there too. Now he just had to get out of there. He pressed his ear to the stairs. Bill, Mama Tail, Reese and Karyn were chit-chattering.

“At that speed, you guys would be liquified!” explained Bill.

“Nu-uh! ” said Reese with all the poise of a man who graduated college at the top of his class.

“Mach 3 ain’t no joke, buddy!” pressed Bill!

Their backs were to the basement door. Kwame poked it open. He became like a statue and moved only his feet. He slid all the way to the front door. No one noticed a damn thing.

“We’re out of here, Tempter.” said Kwame into his hoodie.

“Where do you think you’re going?” asked Reese out of nowhere.

The jig was up. Kwame stopped in his tracks.

“You know the rules. Nobody leaves here without getting their hug.” said Reese.

Reese and his incessant need to show love for his friends had damned the bun buds. Reese started to come over. His arms raised in hug position. Kwame knew if that hug happened, Reese would feel the bun inside him. And then it’d be all over.

Kwame rattled his brains for a solution. But his brain failed him just like it did when he had to explain to his younger brother where babies came from.

He looked inside his hoodie and asked Tempter for advice. The two of them were in it together. If he went down, so did Tempter. Luckily the bunny had a plan. He blinked his little brown eyes and wriggled his pointy bunny ears.

“Take the hug. Be casual about it. I’ve got this.”

Kwame swung around.

“Reese, my very best good friend that I’ve known for so long! I LOVE YOU!” screamed Kwame.

And the two friends shared a passionate beautiful hug of friendship. You could tell it was a friendship hug because they patted each other’s back three times.

Kwame pulled away. Reese walked back to the kitchen, very satisfied. KWame slid out the front door and sprinted like a maniac to his old Toyota Camry.

He took out his keys, started his car and got the fuck out of Eggy Township. Once the town was long behind them, Tempter hopped out of Kwame’s hoodie.

“Tempter, how’d we get away with that?”

Tempter replied with a wriggle of the ears, a wrinkle of the nose, and a blink of the eyes.

“I noticed that Reese only pats the upper shoulders when he hugs. So I hid in your lower back on top of your big buns. Could you please open the window?”

Kwame did. Tempter jumped close to the open window and felt the wind blow between his fur. He was finally free!

Meanwhile back at the house, Bill had left the building.

“Bill’s such a great guy.” said Mama Tail. Then she dove right into the nearest couch and went straight to sleep.

This left Reese and Karyn alone to contemplate on where to eat.

“We can get ice cream.” suggested Karyn.

“Nah. That cashier was a huge jerk to us last time.” said Reese.

“That was kinda your fault, babe.”

“I told him I wanted chocolate and watermelon. He comes back with strawberry. I didn’t order no strawberry.”

“You didn’t have to throw it at him.”

“But it was very punk to do that.”

“It was very punk.”

“Let’s just go to Mega Double Super Wawa.”

“Cool. I’ll just feed the buns and then we can go.”

Karyn opened the basement door.

“Nah babe. I took care of that while Kwame was here. The buns are fine.”

“Awesome!”

“Bet I can beat you to the car!”

Reese raced out the back door! Karyn was right after him.

“No fair! You got a head-start!”

Many hours later, the couple returned to the house with their goodies.

“Why does Mega Double Super Wawa have to close at 5? That’s a total bummer.” complained Reese.

“At least Wawa Supreme was open. ”

“Wawa Supreme doesn’t have the Mega Double Super Wawa milkshake. This milkshake Supreme just isn’t cutting it.”

“You left the back door open, babe.” pointed out Karyn.

“Actually it was you cause you got left in the dust!” bragged Reese!

“You cheated.”

Reese shut the backdoor behind them. He peeked into the living room. The television was on, showing previews for a movie that was made to end the career of Kristen Steward once and for all. His mother was still asleep.

“Mama Tail’s out. We should try to keep it down. ”

“I’m beat. I think it’s time for some sleep-sleep.”

“I could go for some sleep-sleep too.”

“You can take a shower first. I’ll put the buns to sleep.”

Karyn walked down into the basement. Reese sipped a bit on his Wawa Supreme Milkshake. Then he threw it into the garbage. He opened his fridge and grabbed himself some apple juice. He went to his cupboard and picked out his favorite mug. He poured out half a mug of apple juice. He looked around for a straw. There weren’t any. He needed a straw if he wanted to truly enjoy this mug of apple juice. He opened up his garbage can. The Wawa Supreme Milkshake was there. It seemed to look back at him, asking to be accepted. Reese got the straw and left the milkshake to its plastic grave. Reese washed the straw off in the sink. He placed it into his mug of apple juice. He placed his lips on the tip of the straw.

And then Karyn screamed. This was not your normal everyday scream of absolute terror. This was the sort of the scream that you didn’t forget because it scarred itself into your brain. Reese had been to hundreds of hardcore shows in his young life. He was usually right there in front next to the speaker. His ears had heard the loudest screams from grunge core metal bands. But none of those bands compared to the sheer magnitude of Karyn’s scream.

Reese stepped down into the basement. His fiancée was tearing it apart! Their bed was on its side. The television flipped over. Books and records flew past Reese’s head.

“What’s going on?” asked Reese.

“Tempter got out of his cage! I can’t find him!”

Reese joined her in her futile task of searching the basement for her missing bun. An hour passed and they were no closer to finding the bunny. Reese watched on as Karyn unscrewed an air vent.

“He couldn’t get in there, babe.” said Reese.

“You don’t know Tempter like I do! He’s always trying to get away. He’d do anything.”

Then Karyn gasped!

“We left the back door and the basement door open. OH NO!”

She went up those stairs like lightning would if lightning was a person! She swung open the back door!

“Tempter!” shouted Karyn into the night. She jumped over the backyard fence and vanished into the spooky forest! Reese got up the stairs too late to follow her.

“Karyn!” shouted Reese into the forest!

“What, babe?!” yelled Karyn back!

“What should I do to help?!” screamed Reese!

“Look in the house! I’m looking out here!”

“Okay!”

More hours passed. Not a trace of that bun could be found in the house.

Reese had searched pretty much everywhere in it. There was this one hole he didn’t check, but he’d know if a bunny tried to hide in there.

He went back to the backyward. The sun was starting to come out.

“Karyn!”

No response. Reese screamed louder. He climbed over the fence and called out her name into the forest. Then he saw a strange green light.

It was Karyn’s glow-in-dark tattoo. She was laid out on the ground, unconscious.

“Babe?”

No response again. Her skin was clammy. Reese picked her up and shook her. This did not help at all and likely worsened whatever was ailing her.

An ambulance came for Karyn. Reese went along with her. Mama Tail was still fast sleep on the couch.

Once they arrived at the hospital, Reese had to wait for Karyn in that room where people have to wait. With all those beeps and people looking sad because their loved ones are probably dead or in the middle of dying.

A nurse came for Reese and brought him to Karyn’s room.

“Dr. Menken will be in, in a few minutes.”

Karyn looked awful. She was hooked up to a bunch of imposing hospital machines. She had all sorts of wires and IV drips coming out of her. Reese grabbed her hand and sat by her side.

In came Dr. Menken with a clipboard that had nothing on it.

“Hello. I’m Dr. Menken. Your cousin is in critical condition.”

“Fiancée.”

“Oh. Good for you. No judging here, man.” said Dr. Menken

Dr. Menken played around with the knobs of the hospital machines. One of them broke off. Dr. Menken put it in his pocket like nothing happened.

“What’s wrong with her?” asked Reese.

“Your cuz-an-cee won’t be waking up for quite some time. The body has a few skin factors that directly pick up on the heat signature produced by rabbits and other rodents. Your cousin had developed a dependency on that bunny for her health and welfare. Her body has gone into shock following the loss of it.”

“How long will she be like this?”

“Maybe forever. I don’t know. It’s pretty bad. I’m having the nurse bring in a variety of cute animals like kittens and puppies to try and replicate the bunny’s heat signature. It’d be for best if you could find that bunny. ”

“I’ll find that bun if it’s the last thing I ever do.”

Reese lived up to his claim. He spared no expense to find this bunny. He bought fliers and handed them out in all of South Jersey. He even bought a billboard in West Philadelphia where he was born and raised to try and spread the word. Reese did not sleep. Reese did not eat. His every waking moment was spent trying to find the key to his love’s only return.

He started to take his campaign north.

Meanwhile exactly seventy-five miles away, Kwame and his bun bud were having the time of their lives. They had gone to a carnival and gotten those photo shoot pictures done. They’d been out to the theater to see the new Fast and Furious movie. Tempter was a huge Paul Walker fan so it was a bittersweet endeavor. Kwame had to dry the tears from the bun’s eyes. Now they were finishing up a binge of the first season of Orange is the New Black in Kwame’s room.

Kwame’s room was not a wondrous place. It was a blue room that had originally been pink since his parents expected a girl. There was a pile of clothes and straight-edge books on the floor. Posters of the professional wrestler C.M. Punk in his various iterations took up all the wall space.

“Piper is such a bitch” wriggled Tempter out through body language.

“I like her. She’s got spunk.” replied Kwame.

Knock. Knock. It was Kwame’s mother.

“Come in!”

“Hey sweetie. Did you get together what you’re going to donate to the old folks home?”

“Those clothes over there. The old people can have them.”

“Oh hunny. Old people don’t need clothes. I’ll come back. Try and think of something to give away.”

His mother left. Kwame’s stomach growled.

“I’m hungry. You hungry, bun bud?”

Tempter nodded. Kwame picked up a bag of bunny food. It was empty.

“Looks like I got make a run to the pet store. Don’t start season two without me!”

But Tempter did. Because he was a prick.

It didn’t take Kwame long to get to Pets Mart. He took a few back roads and ran through a red light. He really wanted to get back and see what was going to happen in season two.

Inside of Pets Mart were bored workers and very neglected animals. Kwame tried his best not to make eye contact with the greeter at the front. He was always butting his way into conversations because he thought people cared about his vast knowledge of animals. They didn’t.

Kwame went into the rabbit section. He had to look for Tempter’s favorite, Organic Teriyaki Feed. Tempter refused to eat anything processed. Kwame grabbed the bag of organic rabbit junk and put in his cart.

“Kwame!” yelled a familiar voice.

A chill ran up Kwame’s spine. This had to be impossible. It couldn’t be him. What could he be doing in Central Jersey?

But it was. It was Reese! In that store, at that time.

“Hey Kwame.”

Kwame threw a bunch of stuff into his cart to cover up the rabbit food. He noticed that Reese had a bunch of flyers with Tempter on them. Reese’s eyes were bugging out from the lack of sleep.

“Hey Reese. What the heck are you doing all the way up here in Central Jersey?”

“So you didn’t hear? Tempter’s missing.”

“Oh. Is he?”

“Yeah. It happened after you left. Karyn and I left the back door open. He got out. ”

“Oh no. I guess you’ll just have to forget about him.”

“Karyn’s in the hospital.”

“Oh my god.”

“Yea. It’s bad. She’s in a coma. The doctor says she won’t wake up unless I find the bun.”

“Excuse me.” interrupted the greeter.

Both men turned their attention to him.

“Did you just say bun? Are you’re referring to that Netherland Dwarf or Oryctolagus cuniculus that you’ve plastered all over windows here without asking? Bun is not a scientific term. It should not be used. The word rabbit was made for common people like yourselves who aren’t intelligent enough to pronounce that species of Lagomorpha by its proper names.” said the greeter with far too much pride.

“Oh kay.” said Reese.

“I’ve got to get going, Reese. Good luck with finding that Lagomorpha.” replied Kwame.

Kwame hurried through the self-check out. He ended up buying a bunch of crap he didn’t need like most Americans do every day of their lives.

He got back to his car. Kwame saw Reese walk out of Pets Mart with his head down. Reese was a beaten man. Reese handed out flyers to an uncaring public. People threw the picture of the bunny away right in front of him. Kwame watched on as Reese got the flyers out of the garbage.

The wind blew them out of his hands. Reese chased after them. The wind was too strong and blew him away too. He crashed and scraped his knees on the sidewalk.

Kwame sighed. He couldn’t do this to his friend. He opened the car door.

“Hey Reese. You alright.”

“Yeah. Just bleeding a bit.”

“Any luck with that bunny?”

“No.”

“Would it hurt our friendship if I told you something?”

“What?”

“You have to promise we’ll still be friends no matter what I say next.”

“Okay.”

“I sort of took Tempter. He’s at my house now just chilling. He and I have been hanging out.”

“You’ve had him this whole time?”

Kwame nodded.

“WHAT?! You bun-napped him! Kwame, you’re a dirty bun-napper!” shouted Reese with justified rage.

“Lagomorpha!” chimed in the noisy greeter!

“You lagomorpha-napped him!”

“It was his idea!”

“Not cool, Kwame! Not cool!”

“I know.”

“Where is he now?”

“My house.”

“You drive! I’ll follow! Not cool, Kwame! Not cool!”

And so Reese followed Kwame’s car back to Kwame’s house. Kwame opened his front door while Reese teared into him.

“How could you do that? Karyn’s in a coma!”

“I didn’t know that would happen! I’m sorry!”

“You’re a bun-napper, Kwame! A bun-napper!”

Reese and Kwame ran to his room. And it was in much better condition than when he left it.

“where is he?!”

“I left him right on my bed.”

Kwame looked at his Netflix account.

“He started watching season 2 of Orange is the New Black without me! Damn it, Tempter. I thought we were bun buds.”

“I’m going to make your orange the new black if you don’t get me that bun!”

Kwame’s mom looked into the room.

“What are you two yelling about in here?”

“Kwame stole my bunny and now we can’t find it!”

“Oh. That bunny? I thought you were donating him. I gave him to the old folk’s home.”

“YOU WHAT?!” said Kwame with an outside voice.

“Kwame’s mom, not cool!” said Reese with an even louder outside voice.

Kwame’s mother gave them the address to the old folk’s home. It was on the edge of Kwame’s hometown. It was an old hospital that had a creepy vibe to it. Probably because it was the last place a lot of these old people would live in. They were left there to rot and fester by their children until their untimely demises. It was really their own fault since they did the same to their own parents.

“He better be here.” said Reese as they pulled up to the place.

“He will be.” said Kwame.

“I still can’t believe what you did.”

“He told me to.”

“Don’t say that man. I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. Stealing buns is not punk!”

“You promised that this wouldn’t hurt our friendship.”

“Sometimes promises are broken, Kwame.”

The inside of the old folk’s home smelled like the inside of a coffin. It looked kinda like one too. The wooden support beams needed to be replaced as they had gotten moldy. Flies and mosquitoes buzzed past Reese and Kwame as they walked up to the front desk.

Reese rang the bell on the desk.

“I hope it’s not a sassy black woman.” said Kwame.

Reese rang it again. In walked, a sassy black woman. She snatched the bell off the desk.

“Who the hell do you think you are? I heard you the first time! You got to give a woman chance to get down here! I don’t need to be hearing this ring ring ring as I’m trying to get my ass down here to help you. I’m going to shove that where the sun don’t shine if you ring it again!”

“Damn it.” muttered Kwame under his breath.

“I’m Reese Tail.”

“And I’m his friend, Kwame.”

“Friend?” said Reese without a hint of sarcasm.

“Don’t do this to me.”

“And?” replied sassy black woman.

“We’re looking for my pet bunny. This guy here bun-napped him and then his mother donated him here.”

The sassy black woman pursed her lips.

“Well Old Man Frank is watching Orange is the New Black Season Two with a bun bud right now. That might be your bunny.”

“Where is this Old Man Frank?” asked Reese.

The sassy black woman brought them to Old Man Frank’s room which also happened to be the cafeteria. Old Man Frank didn’t own a thing. All his time went to watching old shows on Netflix on the cafeteria TV. He was usually the loneliest of loners. An outcast even among those who had been abandoned by their own families since father time had turned their brains to mush. He’d sit at his table way in the back and think about why he never could have the joys of life.

But today was not a usual day for Old Man Frank. He had a smile on his face. He greeted the two boys very happily. He had Tempter in his arms. Kwame tried to make eye-contact with Tempter, but Tempter turned his nose at him.

“Hello there! What brings two bright young men like you to my side today? I truly am blessed. I was settling in to watch a show with my new friend, Mr. Klypzxym. Someone out there with a kind heart graciously donated a pet rabbit to this home and for the first time in my life, I got a friend.”

“Well we-” started Reese.

“I’ve never had a friend before. I had a pet dog for a day before he ran away. The kids at school stayed away from me cause my father killed a man. He got put away when I was three. Never knew him. My mother was there for a bit but not really. She suffered from dementia. My sister ran herself ragged trying to help my mom out. That is until she hung herself when I was five. I found her hanging in the attic. Then I became a ward of the state. I moved from foster family to foster family. One of my foster dads was real bad. I don’t want to talk about what happened with him. Being adopted didn’t make me a hit with ladies at the schools I went to at all. Except for my only girlfriend. Of course she was only using me as part of a prank to get back at her ex-girlfriend. Guess the joke was on me. But here I am with my first ever friend about to do some binge-watching as I hear the kids say when they visit their grand parents here. What can I do for you boys?”

Reese and Kwame were left silent by this diatribe. Then Reese spoke up.

“Give us a second.”

They walked away from Old Man Frank.

“Damn. He’s had a rough life.” said Kwame.

“I feel bad, but Karyn needs Tempter.”

They went back to Old Man Frank.

“I know this is asking a lot and I’m sorry. But that bunny’s name is not Mr. Klypzxym. His name is Tempter and he belongs to my wife-to-be. She’s in the hospital now and needs him. Could you please give him back?”

“No! I won’t give him up. I’ve had no friend in my entire life. You see this on my face. This is a smile. I’ve never done that before. Mr. Klypzxym is the best thing to happen to me. I’m not giving him up. ”

“Old Man Frank. His fiancée is in a coma because of my selfishness. She won’t wake up with out that bunny. I didn’t know this was going to happen. Please don’t make her suffer any more because of my choice. I already ruined my friendship with Reese. I don’t want her blood on my hands too.” butted in Kwame.

“You two are friends?”

“We were.” continued Kwame.

“And you stole his bun and put his fiancée in the hospital? Is that what friends do? Maybe I haven’t been missing out on much then.”

“I stole his bunny because I wanted a bun bud to do bun bud stuff with. It was wrong and I accept that now. Please give us back Tempter.”

Old Man Frank looked down at his bun bud. Tempter wrinkled his nose.

“It’s fine. I’ve had my fun. Thank you for the good time, Old Man. The girl is a mess without me.” Tempter said to the Old Man in his special way.

Old Man Frank pet Tempter on the head.

“Go on then. Take Mr. Klypzxym.”

Old Man Frank said goodbye to his one and only friend. Reese grabbed the bunny.

“Thank you so much.” said Reese.

“Friendship is a gift, Mr. Tail. Remember that.”

“I will.”

The two left the old man behind. Old Man Frank went back to his usual ways.

Back in the hospital, Dr. Menken and the nurse were discussing a very important subject.

“Is there any hope for her, Doctor?”

“Eh. Probably not. I tried those golden retriever puppies. The little kittens didn’t register a response. ”

“What a shame.”

“This is what happens when you develop an unhealthy love to creatures that aren’t people. It’s okay to like your pets but loving them is too far. The human psyche wasn’t built for love of anything but other people. I have a dog at home. I like him. I take him for walks and I enjoy his company. But if he ran away, I would not shed a tear. He’s just an animal. This girl is probably going to live the rest of her life like this. If only someone could have stopped her bun obsession before it took over her life.”

“I’m going to go home and make sure my kids know to only share their love with the most evolved creatures!”

BAM! Reese kicked door off its hinges!

“Why the hell did you do that?!” asked the nurse.

“For dramatic effect!”

Tempter hopped out of Reese’s arms and flew across the room to his owner. He nested into her belly. The hospital machines started to beep like crazy!

Karyn’s eyes opened! She was back!

“Where am I? Tempter?! My bun!”

Her arms wrapped around the bun like she’d never let go again. Reese pumped his fist in the air! Dr. Menken slipped the bill into Reese’s fist.

“That’ll be three thousand dollars plus an eighteen percent gratuity charge of course. I did a good job here.”

“No. It won’t be. At least not for him. I’ll pay that. This is my fault.” piped up Kwame who had snuck into the room.

“What’s he talking about, babe.” asked Karyn with Tempter still in her grasp.

“I bun-napped Tempter.” confessed Kwame.

“What?!”

“It’s true. I’m sorry, Karyn. I’m a dirty bun-napper.”

“Your honesty has touched my cold heart son. I won’t be charging for this.”

Dr. Menken tore up the bill.

“Can you do that?” asked Reese.

“Of course I can. I’m a doctor! I can do whatever the fuck I want.” yelled Dr. Menken. He then transformed into a pterodactyl and soared out the window.

“Kwame, I just thought up your punishment.” announced Reese.

“Okay. I’m ready.”

“You have to plan a pizza party for Old Man Frank. Then we’ll be even.”

“Is that it?”

“And you have to promise to never nap a bun ever again.” added Karyn.

“But he told me to.”

“Don’t go back to that excuse.” said Reese.

“Nah, babe. Tempter is always doing stuff like that. Remember that time your mom took him to Six Flags cause he made her do it? He might be like evil or something. The vet mentioned it once. We can’t be too mad at Kwame. Tempter’s just a bad bun.”

“So we’re still friends then?” asked Kwame.

Reese raised his arms into hug position and they shared yet another hug of friendship.

A few days later, Old Man Frank awoke to a pizza party in the cafeteria. The excitement of the kind gesture sent his heart racing and then unfortunately Old Man Frank died.

But he died with a smile on his face which is more than most of us will get.

That’s the story.

Russell Wilson’s Contract Negotiations End!

Posted in Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 3, 2015 by dakofman

After months of intense negotiations, Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks have finally agreed to terms on a new contract. And this might just be the biggest contract in professional sports history.

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As part of Wilson’s new contract, he will be given 120 million yen, an electric razor, thirty bags of candy corn, five golden rings and a lifetime’s supply of Hubba Bubba Gum. These items will be dispersed over the next five years. In addition to those items, the city of Seattle will be renamed to Russell and Paul Allen, Seattle Seahawks owner, has agreed to rename the Seahawks to The Wilsons.

The former Seattle Seahawks, now Russell Wilsons held a press conference today in front of Centurylink Field with General Manager John Schneider and Russell Wilson to announce the contract signing.

“I’m so glad to have this opportunity to have not only a city named after me but a team too. Not many players get here. God made me for this. I hope to play for the Russell Wilsons for rest of my career. Go Wilsons!” Wilson said to on-site reporters.

“After Cam Newton’s new contract, I knew there was no way we could possibly pay Russ traditionally and keep this team together. I looked in the rulebook and there was nothing that said a man can’t be paid this way.” Schneider elaborated to the audience.

This could have a tremendous impact on the on-going negotiations between Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts. Sources close to Andrew Luck say he may ask for the city to be named after him. This could be a good move for the Colts as nobody is really quite sure how to spell Indianapolis anyway.

In other Wilsons news, Michael Bennett is not expected to be back for training camp. He is holding out for a better contract. A source close to him says he wants more money and to have his beard be the logo for the Russell Wilsons.

Are people happier now than ever before?

Posted in Writing with tags , , , , , on May 12, 2015 by dakofman

thanks google

Answer: More research than a simple Google search needed

The Egalitarians!

Posted in Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , on May 5, 2015 by dakofman

Everybody’s fighting for equality. Feminists. Meninists. The NAACP. The GLAAD. The NSA. The BCCA and many more important acronyms. Each of these groups claiming to have the same goal. Equal rights and equal opportunity for all of mankind.

But I bet if you got all these these equality seekers in the same room, they would be at each other’s throats. The room would turn violent very quickly. Because they all have their own definition of equality. Some say the shaming of feminine traits to be the cause of society’s ills. Others think it all comes down to class and economic disparity. More might say it’s down to racial bias. The only thing these groups would agree is that the world is unequal.

But what if they all got along? They let bygones be bygones. They open their fists and close their mouths. They embrace one another. They burn all their t-shirts, posters and bumper stickers they needed to spread awareness of their issues. They cast aside their old labels. They throw away all their silly acronyms and hashtags. They have the same goal so why fight one each other? Why have different names? Their super equality group will be known under one name.

The Egalitarians.

They will eradicate bias and privilege of any sort. They will be the scale-balancers. Seekers of fair.

What is the first thing on the agenda of the egalitarians? Economic disparity. They go after the wage gaps between sexes and race. They gain ground easily with a frustrated public. A bill is pushed through the government that puts an end to unequal pay.

But that’s not enough. Still there are more male CEOs than women. More white engineers than minorities. Too many minorities in prison. People are trapped in circles of poverty with no way out. The egalitarians are now after equal opportunity for everyone.

They create incentive programs for other groups in science. They shovel money into poor neighborhoods. They improve the education system. It takes them over a thousand years to shatter the circles of poverty, but they manage to get the job down.

But equal opportunity is still not there. The extraordinary are ruining it. They have better genetics than the average person. Their faces are more symmetrical so people treat them better. Their minds are naturally sharper. This is leading to them making more money and taking advantage of more opportunities. A painter can create a beautiful painting and sell it for thousands. Not everyone can be a great painter even with hard work and dedication.

These extraordinary people must be dealt with. They need to be knocked from their pedestals and brought down to everyone’s level. Why should they get more out of life because they were born a certain way? That is unequal and the egalitarians are here to snuff that out.

The egalitarians set up checks in hospitals to enact their final solution for unequal opportunity. If your child is extraordinary, strange or different, it will be terminated. There is some resistance at first, but the egalitarians have too much power to be stopped. The genius, the stunningly beautiful, the mentally deficient, and the ugly are all eradicated. There will be no deviation from the group. Everyone will be on the same playing field.

The egalitarians use to science to modify people into one gender. Why should women get to enjoy childbirth and men cannot? Everyone’s skin color is drained from them until they are a pale grey. And with that, the world is finally rid of sexism and racism.

The egalitarians still find bias amongst humanity. People showing more preference and love to family members. They find comfort in people who are from the same culture as them. Why should you enjoy a person more because they share the same blood as you? This is not equal. And so the egalitarians destroy the family unit. Babies are ripped from their mothers. You are not a child to a person. You are a child of the world. You will show the same love to all children, not that of your blood. Everyone is your family. Everyone is your friend. Everyone is your lover. That is equal.

The egalitarians go out and destroy all forms of culture. Where there is culture, there are those who don’t belong. Those who don’t belong are not treated the same. That is unequal. Every church, temple, mosque is burned down. No more identifying as a group. You are all people. That is the only identification that you need. You do not need the comfort of people who think like you. You will find comfort in your fellow man.

People are moved around every couple of months to prevent them from growing attached to their region. If you love where you’re from, you’ll show love to others who are from there. You should feel at home everywhere.

The egalitarians are pleased by the results. Equality has almost been achieved. Everyone is on the same level. No one can achieve more than anyone. They show the same amount of compassion to their fellow man.

But there still remains the problem of thoughts. There are people who are pretending to be equal. They still have bias in their hearts. They are safe inside their minds to be as biased as possible. True equality can’t allow these pretenders.

The egalitarians build a machine that allows them to see the inner thoughts of every person. They know all thoughts. If you are biased in anyway, the egalitarians will know. They will find you. There is no hiding from the egalitarians. You will be terminated for your bias. It’s the only solution. The egalitarians cannot be lax, not when equality is so close to being achieved.

The egalitarians smile at their just equal world. They wish those of the past could have enjoyed it. The first egalitarians are long gone. This was their dream and they aren’t around to enjoy it. In fact the billions of humans can’t. They’re dead. The people of today and the future will be equal but not those in the past. Why should these people enjoy this beautiful equal future when others cannot? The living should not get preference over the dead. That is unequal.

Then the egalitarians see the truth of equality. So long as a person lives, they are privileged over those who are gone. And those who are gone are privileged over those who never had the chance to exist. Why should the losers in the race to the egg remain forgotten and unknown? That is unequal.

The egalitarians build a bomb that will erase every trace of mankind. Non-existence is equality. True equality at its core. The bomb goes off and with it goes mankind. But it does more than decimate the earth. The egalitarians were kind enough to spread equality through the universe. Why should only lifeforms on earth get to revel in equality? It engulfs the universe, leaving nothing.

Because nothing is equal.

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